Sunday, April 17, 2011

There's No Crying in Corpse Pose

Hot yogini.
Whew. I made it through the class. And I didn't think I was going to! First, I made myself late by deciding to hide Easter eggs before I left (the kids will be home soon, but they are with their dad next Sunday, so I decided to do Easter today). Second, Jen at Runner...maybe's first official 10K made me late. The route closed off the streets to my yoga studio! Third, the class started at 9:45, not 9:15 as I thought, so I wasn't late, I had time to chill out and watch the previous class ending.

I go into the studio, I introduce myself to the instructor, and I learn that this is not an intro class, as the schedule says. The schedule changed a month ago but they haven't printed new schedules. He says I am welcome to stay, and just do the best I can.

I am quickly psyched out. The other students are much more advanced, the pace starts very quickly, they are doing poses I don't know. I feel like crying. I wanted so badly to just walk out, not do child's pose as the instructor had suggested if I wanted to take a break. I wanted to GO. But I am not a quitter, and I thought, well, hell, I will just do the very best I can. Who cares if I look stupid? (For some reason, I always imagine the eyes of the class are on me - what an odd thing to think, because if you are absorbed in your own yoga even just a little bit, you know you aren't watching others. Except maybe once in awhile to make sure you have the correct pose going.)

So, I just pressed on. And it was *so hard.* I was exhausted, I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't bendy enough. But I kept pushing the negative thoughts out of my head. I am here to get my work out. At my level, and nothing else matters. And I did. Sure, it wasn't pretty, I skipped many advanced poses, I crapped out early on others.

After class, the woman to my left (to whom I had confessed I thought I was attending my second intro class) told me I did great and she was very impressed (so much for not watching others, haha). The instructor told me I did wonderfully, and I was welcome at the advanced classes any time. I felt like a million bucks.

I cried during corpse pose, I'll admit. The instructor read from Journey to the Heart: Daily Meditations on the Path to Freeing Your Soul. He read July 25th's entry: A Fresh Start. It opened with (paraphrasing) "Sometimes in life it is necessary to make a fresh start. In love, in your may not seem fair, it may seem too difficult to order to become who you want to be, you must make a leap of faith." Of all the days to pick to read out loud today, why July 25th? Such a perfect message for me today, as I'm on the edge of both packing up boxes and calling and withdrawing my application. A sign? Maybe. It spoke to me anyway. (I had another sign on Friday morning, when my car made a mysterious and unhappy "clunk." What would you do if it needed expensive repairs? I thought. The answer was call my dad, haha.)

Tears and sweat ran down my face as I pretended to be dead. I took the kids to see the house on Friday and turned in my application. I'll find out tomorrow if I get it or not. I have agonized over this decision, just agonized, now and for the last year or more. It will be hard, but it needs to be done: for me, for my kids, for my family. I am scared, nervous and excited. And obviously, since the tears flowed so freely, it is all right underneath the surface for me.


  1. Wow! "Not bendy enough", I know how that feels. However, I don't have the courage to show up to any yoga class, I much prefer succeeding/failing at it in my own home.

  2. Best of luck on the new digs. Sometimes the best decision isn't the easiest one.

  3. ADVANCED YOGA CLASS! You ROCK! That would totally freak me out! Great job sticking with it though. It was perfect weather for a run this morning! Maybe next year we can do it together!!! Something to plan for in 2012.