There's No Crying in Corpse Pose

Hot yogini.

Whew. I made it through the class. And I didn't think I was going to! First, I made myself late by deciding to hide Easter eggs before I left (the kids will be home soon, but they are with their dad next Sunday, so I decided to do Easter today). Second, Jen at Runner...maybe's first official 10K made me late. The route closed off the streets to my yoga studio! Third, the class started at 9:45, not 9:15 as I thought, so I wasn't late, I had time to chill out and watch the previous class ending.

I go into the studio, I introduce myself to the instructor, and I learn that this is not an intro class, as the schedule says. The schedule changed a month ago but they haven't printed new schedules. He says I am welcome to stay, and just do the best I can.

I am quickly psyched out. The other students are much more advanced, the pace starts very quickly, they are doing poses I don't know. I feel like crying. I wanted so badly to just walk out, not do child's pose as the instructor had suggested if I wanted to take a break. I wanted to GO. But I am not a quitter, and I thought, well, hell, I will just do the very best I can. Who cares if I look stupid? (For some reason, I always imagine the eyes of the class are on me - what an odd thing to think, because if you are absorbed in your own yoga even just a little bit, you know you aren't watching others. Except maybe once in awhile to make sure you have the correct pose going.)

So, I just pressed on. And it was *so hard.* I was exhausted, I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't bendy enough. But I kept pushing the negative thoughts out of my head. I am here to get my work out. At my level, and nothing else matters. And I did. Sure, it wasn't pretty, I skipped many advanced poses, I crapped out early on others.

After class, the woman to my left (to whom I had confessed I thought I was attending my second intro class) told me I did great and she was very impressed (so much for not watching others, haha). The instructor told me I did wonderfully, and I was welcome at the advanced classes any time. I felt like a million bucks.

I cried during corpse pose, I'll admit. The instructor read from Journey to the Heart: Daily Meditations on the Path to Freeing Your Soul. He read July 25th's entry: A Fresh Start. It opened with (paraphrasing) "Sometimes in life it is necessary to make a fresh start. In love, in your residence...it may not seem fair, it may seem too difficult to accomplish...in order to become who you want to be, you must make a leap of faith." Of all the days to pick to read out loud today, why July 25th? Such a perfect message for me today, as I'm on the edge of both packing up boxes and calling and withdrawing my application. A sign? Maybe. It spoke to me anyway. (I had another sign on Friday morning, when my car made a mysterious and unhappy "clunk." What would you do if it needed expensive repairs? I thought. The answer was call my dad, haha.)

Tears and sweat ran down my face as I pretended to be dead. I took the kids to see the house on Friday and turned in my application. I'll find out tomorrow if I get it or not. I have agonized over this decision, just agonized, now and for the last year or more. It will be hard, but it needs to be done: for me, for my kids, for my family. I am scared, nervous and excited. And obviously, since the tears flowed so freely, it is all right underneath the surface for me.