Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Weigh-In Wednesday: My Brand New, Smashed to Bits Scale

Well, I bought a new scale for the master bathroom this week, not wanting to deprive my daughter nor G of the sheer joy it is to step on a scale once in awhile. Plus, my daughter's bathroom is so much nicer than mine, and when I weighed in her bathroom, I used her shower. Which made me feel sorry for myself with my teeny tiny shower stall. Which made me resent my 15 year old daughter for having such a luxurious space to herself. Which made me beat her. Oops, okay, that part didn't happen! But I did decide that perhaps downstairs bathroom people should stay out of the more plush upstairs bathrooms unless they planned to either wallow in grief for their tiny shower stall, or drag themselves all the way up the stairs to take a shower every morning. First world problems, I know!

So. New scale. Let me start by saying that the morning started off rough, as sleeping with G can be like sleeping with a newborn baby. He is up on the hour, every hour, it seemed, or at least last night he was. Most nights, it seems, although I have become better at cultivating my ability to sleep through it, haha. But at 1 a.m. he bashed his leg on the footboard of the bed for oh, I don't know, the 1000th time this week, but THIS time it surprised him and he screamed loud enough to wake me out of a dead sleep.

Plus the night before, I had a horrific nightmare about a spider, and I went to sleep afraid that I would dream about it again. What did this nightmare spider do? It existed. That's all it needed to do. In my dream, I ran across it in a crowded corner of a garage (not ours, thank goodness, or I'd be afraid it was a premonition). It was HUGE. With a fat, round purple body. In my dream, I was so terrified of it, I couldn't move. And it was trying to get away from me, but in doing so, it CAME TOWARD ME. In my dream, I was so scared I was even unable to scream, or move. It finally ran down a wall and its spell was broken and I was able to run across the garage. But horrifically, I could still see it on the wall from across the garage, it was so huge. 

In my dreams, I can never scream. Most of my nightmares center upon how utterly without voice I am, at a time I need to be able to scream. I hope, should the awful need arise in real life, I could manage more than the raspy squeaks I eek out in my dreams. I pray I never have to find out. :)

Well, two days later you can see how badly that spider dream terrified me, but it was no match for the horror I found waiting for me on the new scale:

Haha, I wish. I guess that's the New Scale Motivational Sticker.
Before I share my shame, let me make my excuses. I was so EXHAUSTED this morning, I utterly and truly forgot it was Weigh-In Wednesday until I was happily in the shower, minding my own business. And you know I have a weighing routine on Wednesdays: pee, weigh, shower. Never the three shall be done out of order.

Except today. I decided that I was really just postponing the inevitable if I didn't weigh in. Things are not going well and me and my bloated body know it. G and I rode the motorcycle to work yesterday for the first time in a long while, and when I put on my pants after the long season of not riding, I thought, "Okay, you've got maybe a couple more rides at this rate before you have to go buy new motorcycle pants." The pants that fit me from the time G and I first met (they were his son's quad-riding pants) do not so much fit me right now. I couldn't button them (to stay buttoned) although I could zip them. It would be mortifyingly embarrassing to have to buy new motorcycle pants, I'm telling you. And what a waste of money!

I can't feel my ribs and hips the way I've gotten so accustomed to doing, anymore. My breasts feel huge and round and heavy. My chest, or d├ęcolletage, feels puffy and padded. I am miserable in my own body.

Another excuse is that I had some major dental work on Thursday, and spent much of the next several days on pain pills, which wreak havoc on my digestion, despite all my best efforts. But I remedied that situation on Sunday - although I still took some pain pills up through last night, I have been really suffering. :( So, constipation is an issue, but it's not *the* issue.

Finally, who's to say the new scale isn't more accurate than the old one? I may replace the one in my daughter's bathroom, too, it's so dramatically different. How old is that old scale, I wonder?

And the new scale wasn't going to pull any punches, either. Look how bright those numbers are! They seared themselves in my eyes. Blech. 

Oh sure, *now* you'll orient the pictures in the right direction.

I can say all the things I need to say, but I keep saying them without doing the right things. So for right now I'm just gonna shut my g*d mouth. That's the biggest thing I need to do to take off the weight anyway, hahaha.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Weigh-In Wednesday: Stoopidhead Scale Edition

How fun it is for me to post Weigh-In Wednesday pictures week after week, as I bounce up and down the full gamut of the 160s! It has become one of my very most favorite things to do, and talk about. Not.

I do believe, if nothing else, that Weigh-In Wednesday has done a lot to get my weight in check (argh, and even that's all relative), although I'm clearly not losing. Things had gotten ugly with the scale and my scale avoidance, and my I've ruined it all now, I might as well eat whatever I want philosophy. Nice to know that even after all the weight gain, surgeries and weight loss, I'm still my same old food-ufcked twisted self underneath it all. Insert deeeeeep self-pitying sigh.

I'm so over it.

Now, at least, I'm hoisting my ass onto that scale every Wednesday without letting myself off the hook. I started back up with and yesterday's eating was 1248 calories. This is actually a lot, considering I had only protein shakes during the day! But what I hate?? HATE??? My Fitness Pal says "if you ate like this every day, in five weeks you would weigh 163 pounds."

I simply do not need many calories to operate this machine. I hate that the reality is that 1200 calories don't go very far, and if I eat that, or certainly any more than that, I gain weight.


Can you tell how cranky I am about this this morning? Haha. Yesterday I had three Muscle Milk Light protein shakes from Costco (which are lactose free and thus did not give me the nausea, gas and bloating that the Costco Premier Brand shakes had started doing to me so badly). Dinner was not a wise selection, as when I learned that Greg was working surprise OT until midnight, we switched from the planned grilled salmon and broccoli to canned chili over Fritos with lettuce and melted cheese. Haha! Hello, children, Mommy's home! Did you have doubts that Greg is not the lynch pin to all this wonderful eating and delicious meals? Nope, when he's gone, the old mommy resurfaces! ;)

Well, in my defense, there was a reason. We had the salmon all defrosted and a yummy meal planned, and G was looking forward to it, too. And yesterday, running for the bus, which I very nearly missed AGAIN, I hurt something in my back, or hip, or thigh, or something. I did this last week, too, but yesterday my body SCREAMED out in protest. Really super painful. My objectives last night upon arriving home were to take a hot epsom salt bath and find the right combination of drugs and alcohol to make my body stop killing me. ;)

Frito taco salad was a perfect meal to direct my 12yo budding chef to prepare without assistance, in other words. :)

I need to go see a physical therapist about whatever is going on. I fear that the 30-day ab challenge situps have done horrifying things to my lower back and spinal fusion. This is an awful nerve pain, I have something way tweaked and I'm a little scared. :( When I had that spinal fusion, they said it's an excellent 10-year remedy to all the pain, and December 2014 is ten years. :'( I truly believe that this is just aggravated from the sit-ups, which I will surely not be doing any more of. I have been largely pain-free for so long, I am not toooooo worried about returning to the old pre-fusion days of back pain so bad I didn't care if I lived or died. But I am a teensy bit scared.

Anyway. This is day two of protein shakes during the day (which are vile, but better than the Premier brand for me). I am delighted to have found something that I can use to kick-start myself, as I think I need a mental reset with regard to eating, eating, eating...always seem to be eating these days. Yesterday, I thought I would starve. to. death but today I am feeling good about taking control.

Onward and upward. Err, downward. You know what I mean. :)

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Weigh-In Wednesday: On-Time Edition!

Hey - it's Wednesday and I weighed in, as usual, but I'm actually posting it on Wednesday! Or that is my intention as I start out, haha.

The scale pleased me this morning.
Weigh-in day got off to a lurching start as I remembered the event as I was stepping into the shower. Because I am superstitious and ridiculous, I only like to weigh in before I take a shower. God only knows how much water weight that adds on in the shower! So I turned off the shower, left the bathroom to retrieve my phone, came back in to hop on the scale. Which was nowhere to be found in my tiny downstairs bathroom.

I had a pretty good idea who may have taken the scale, so I grabbed my camera/phone and ventured upstairs to my sleeping 15-year-old's room. Sure enough, there was the scale in a corner of her bathroom! I decided to leave it there, as it is probably good for her to have access to it, as well. I just took my picture there - her bathroom floor is so much nicer than mine, don't you think?

So, Alli and I are on Day 9 of the 30-day ab challenge. I was dragged into participating, but I'm glad. I am a little concerned that since embarking on this great adventure, my low back spinal fusion has been very sore. Like sore when I go to bed, sore when I wake up. Yesterday was a rest day, so when I do today's challenge I will try to use really great posture. When I was briefly lifting weights, I had this same sort of problem, but it was mid-back above the fusion. I expect that was probably due to poor posture while lifting, and my back is just not at all forgiving about that sort of thing. I am thinking, as I sit here in pain first thing in the morning, that probably sit-ups and crunches are not going to be a great thing for me to be doing. However the ab challenge also includes Leg Lifts! and Planks! so I will modify as necessary to continue doing the challenge with Alli.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Weigh-In Wednesday: Very Belated Edition

Oops, I did weigh in last Wednesday, but have been super, super busy and didn't have time to post it here. Just holding steady, I guess!

I do not understand the random photo orientation on these pictures!
Well, I am not happy with the numbers but I am not unhappy, either, I suppose. This week I did do my mini-workout of walking my youngest to and/or from school several times. I also pooped out on it several times. :) It was COLD here last week! Also, my oldest made plans for my limited evening hours on at least one occasion, demanding to be taken grocery shopping or else she'd wage war on me. Teenage, hormonal war, ugh. I'll pick the unplanned trip to the grocery store every time, haha.

Last week was busy with, among other things, the parade to end all parades! The city was *OVERRUN* with Seahawks fans, and I was happy to be out in the incredibly huge throngs of crowds along with everyone else. Crazy! They say 750,000 people or more crowded onto the 4th Avenue to cheer the Seahawks for their Super Bowl win. I wouldn't doubt the estimated numbers, I have never seen anything like it. I have some pictures, but the one I wanted to post here was the one that reminded me that even though I am struggling with my weight, I don't need to beat myself senseless about it, either. This is a nice picture of me and my coworker, whom you may remember I call my Sugar Daddy*.

Greg says Don and I make a nice looking couple, haha.
*Well, Sugar Daddy is tongue in cheek, as when I started working with him, he and his longtime partner, Doug, owned two beautiful homes in Seattle, both of which were for sale. They had decided to live in whichever one didn't sell first. I was very recently a single mom, and I lobbied hard for him to give me one of the properties, which he did not. Even though I offered him the ready-made family his mom had always longed for from him, haha. Anyway, Don doesn't deliver often on his Sugar Daddy role, but he does occasionally treat me to lunch or SBUX. :)

Aw, I take some of my favorite pictures with Don.
A trip down memory lane: this was from August 2012.

Alright, more later! My oldest turns fifteen today, it's a happy occasion!