Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Sassy New 'Do

Woo boy! I wanted to do something different with my haircut, and did I ever get it! I really like it, but it is going to take a little time to get used to - good thing for me I'm home the rest of this week to get used to it and play with it. Today, it has sooooo much product in it. We were playing around with different things, talking about what would work best when I style it myself. Fortunately, he said it will be a pretty low-maintenance, self-styling cut. Today, it wasn't, haha. He played with it a lot.

Monday, January 30, 2012


Good morning, bloggies! I am happy to report that my gallbladder-ectomy and no-more-babies procedures were a success. Surgeries went well on Thursday and by that afternoon I was home recovering comfortably. By today, I am feeling pretty much human and am perfecting the art of vegging quietly in front of the TV.

I am curious to hear from my WLS surgeon, who removed my gallbladder. I'm getting information second hand, but my mom said the surgeon removed scar tissue around my gallbladder - whatever he said led my mom to believe that I possibly didn't even need the gallbladder out, but they did it anyway. Ah well. My surgeon was totally gunning for that gallbladder - it might have been prudent to seek a second opinion on that one. But, as my surgeon had told me when I asked him whether it really needed to come out, "At least it will remove it from the equation." (See, I told you he was gunning for it.)

The ablation and tubal ligation also went well. If I am feeling any pain from either procedure, I am not aware of it. Mostly it's just the achy pain from the incision sites and general feeling of being hit by a very small truck in my mid-section. No complaints whatsoever. It is conceivable that I could be back at work today, but I am happy to have the opportunity to lay around and recuperate.

On Wednesday, I'm going back in for another iron IV infusion, which I will have done monthly for the foreseeable future. I've actually had fairly good success taking the iron pills lately, so I may increase my efforts to take those instead of do the IVs. Although the IVs are nice because it's over quickly, doesn't give you any constipation, and they wrap you in warm blankies like a spa visit. :)

After my WLS, I lost a lot of hair. People say this is the lingering after-effects of the general anesthesia, although I do not remember this side effect from any previous operations. At any rate, I'm hoping that's not the case, because my hair is mostly feeling back to normal after WLS, and I will mourn the loss of any future hair.

I had a nice recovery at home. Cappy stayed with me the night before the operation, which was nice for calming my nerves. I did get a little nervous this time! Not sure why. I've had many operations and I've endured them all nicely, with little side effects or lingering recoveries. He also stayed with me after the operation. On Thursday, I was feeling well enough (by Friday I felt pretty crappy when I woke up) to play a bit of a nursemaid prank on him. He came over after work, and I left the front door unlocked. I had set myself up on the couch, surrounded by bottles of pills, a heating pad, a hot water bottle, and a giant bucket with a hand towel over the edge. When he came in, I had the blankets tucked up to my neck and I wanly called to him that the door was open when he knocked.

He came in and saw all the implements of recovery, and gave a bit of a yuck-eye to the bucket before peeking in. I told him it was just a precaution, since I'd had uncontrolled vomiting all afternoon, but I was feeling a little bit better now. I told him I used the anti-nausea suppository prescribed to me (they really did!) and had my fingers crossed for good results. Ha! That will test any new relationship! He took it totally in stride, haha. Then, with great flourish, I whipped off my blankets to reveal my regular clothes and sat upright on the couch. I was fine. We had a good laugh, although I could see him mulling over exactly how stoned those pain meds had me, haha.

(Hrm, maybe it wasn't that funny. It was to me, at the time, anyway. Silly pain meds.)

I was hoping to wake up feeling as great on Friday, but I didn't. I was pretty sore, and awfully tired. I vegged, and on Saturday morning I felt good. I stopped taking the oxycodone, which was making my head very foggy and my vision weird. I felt like I was on pretty serious drugs, and surprisingly, I didn't like it. I switched over to vicodin, which kills the pain without making me feel loopy.

Sunday, some vicodin, mostly the mega-strength ibuprofen they prescribed. Today, no drugs, although I'll probably take some ibuprofen shortly, just to make sure I continue feeling good. And I'm heading back to bed very shortly, I'm in the middle of a good book and I want to read myself to sleep. :)

Whew - today, finally, I can poo! File that under "too much information." Every time I've had surgery, my intestines are on the slow side to wake up - all the doctors say so, haha. I think it was yesterday when I ate and felt like everything just sat in my stomach, immobilized, for hours. I will be happy to return to normal.

Alas, I'm going back to the drawing board on Cappy, I believe. That warrants its own post, perhaps another time. Such a wonderfully weird, sweet man. I absolutely adore him, but I am looking for a boyfriend, and heat, and new romance. With Cappy, although I just enjoy him so much - that is not what we share. He's depressed, I think. I am sure of it, actually. He's starting to see a counselor tomorrow. And I have been grappling with waiting it out because we do have a lot of chemistry, or cutting him loose and telling him to come back when he gets his head together. I'm afraid if we continue on like this, it's awfully hard for either of us to move forward, and decreases the likelihood of our relationship moving forward. I know, certainly, I will not date while I'm seeing him - he is a known quantity that I have *such* fun with, it's too tempting to spend all my time with him. And really - I don't know him well enough to justify spending all this time with him while he's feeling down. On the one hand, I think, "well, I don't have anything else going on," and on the other, I know the only reason I don't have anything else going on is because I'm spending all my time with him. The mask over his depression is slipping a bit and selfishly, I'm being subjected to more of the down mood than I have a tolerance for right now. It's a real balance between what you'd do for your friends and what you'd do for a lover...he is caught somewhere between that friend and lover classification, and with either, really, it's a bit too much, too soon, I think.

Super-selfishly, probably my favorite thing about seeing Cappy is cuddling with him at night. Oh my, have I ever missed having a man to hold me while I sleep, and he is quite masterful at it. That's what you really miss out on when you're single - sustained human contact. I could lay in bed and cuddle all day (and we did this weekend, haha). But however tempting it is...eh, it's probably best to give up this particular perk if I'm looking for love. And while I haven't ruled out that possibility between us...it's just not happening. Ah well.

My weight was back down to 151 the morning of the surgery, but has since been stuck at 154.6. I am peeved, especially since I'm not eating a darn thing. I know it's just after-effects of the surgery, maybe fluid retention, maybe 4+ pounds of poo stuck in my system, whatever. But it is vexing me, and I'm eager to see the scale start moving again.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Hidden Track

I was going to start this entry by saying I'm feeling back on track this morning, but I realized that not much has changed except my poopy attitude from yesterday. :) But that's quite probably the biggest step!

Fun stuff - I tried on a pair of jeans and a blouse that my coworker brought in, and they fit! I was a little stressing, wondering if they'd still be too small and thus make my crappy mood even worse, but noooooo, I was looking good, baby. The blouse was a little too tight too wear, but that was because I'm still so boobalicious. I'll have to get the jeans altered - I'm a shortie, so it's rare that anything but petite pants fit me out of the gate. Tonight, maybe I'll try on some more stuff. I had to leave the big bag here yesterday since it was raining so hard and I had taken the bus. Today, I drove in so I can make a quick escape.*

*A "quick escape" by car has changed dramatically to mean "A much longer commute home, except for I'll be quite comfortable in my own car." The State recently started tolling a nearby bridge ($7/round trip!!) and everyone has, very, very rudely, moved down to *my* bridge. This has impacted my commute in a most negative manner. At any rate, it has served to make taking the bus much, much more appealing to me. Stupid tolls.

Scale was down to 152 this morning, so for that, I am definitely feeling more on track. I can see that WLS and weight loss has made me a complete and utter scale whore. That bounce from 151 to 155 had me GROUCHY!!! Or was it 154? Anyway - I had several doctor appointments last week and at least then, the scale said 155 and it ticked me off. Shows you what a fickle creature I am! On the morning of my WLS last year, on 1/11/11, the scale said 255 as I went into the operating room. What's a hundred pounds among friends?? A bad day on the scale is all relative, haha.

Tomorrow is my gallbladder, tubal ligation and uterine ablation surgery. The female procedures will leave me unable to become pregnant, which adds value to my life because it keeps me from leaping from the top of my little skyscraper should I become "with child." It leaves me just the tiniest bit wistful, however. But not much. You couldn't pay me to have another baby at this point in my life. This is interesting in a couple regards:

  • Cappy doesn't have kids. Uh, that may be the most sexiest thing in the world. No custody schedules to coordinate, no exes to deal with, no blending of families, etc. I may exclusively date childless men from now on, haha. When I first considered dating, I was a little suspicious of men who did not have children. What if they don't have them because they don't like them? Now, I find it just plain *hawt,* haha. I am, however, still suspicious of men in their 40s who have not been married.
  • Oh, but the interesting thing about him is that I get the sense that he is not opposed/closed to the idea of having a baby. Not with me, bucko. But will this be a wedge in any future developments? I can honestly say, if it is, it is - this is a non-negotiable for me. And besides, I have scads of them. Stick around and I'll happily share. ;)
  • Is a barren womb unsexy? I have enough experience with men to conduct my own sampling, and I have found that men are turned on by the possibility of making a baby. (Conversely, I am terrified by the thought of making a baby, haha.) Will this flip a switch on the hot sex? Ah, I doubt it. No matter.
Well, I am a teensy bit nervous about the surgery tomorrow, and my recovery time. Luckily, I have had gobs of surgeries in my lifetime and have not experienced any complications or detrimental effects. With the exception of when my young nurse actually killed me with morphine following my spinal fusion in 2004, but you know, they did the Code Blue and brought me back, so it's all good. Over the course of the day, I guess I'll get a little more nervous, but it will be manageable. Surgery just isn't something you delight in. And Cappy is spending the rest of the week with me, so I'm hoping I'm not about to walk into the death of this budding relationship because of some unexpected difficult recovery. It's a little soon to have him stand-in for this sort of thing, but selfishly, I just wanted to see him. And didn't want to go back to my mom's and spend the night - I want my own bed and home. By all accounts from doctors and friends, I should be just fine. I'll blog 'atcha on Friday to let you know how it went. Oh, and it's outpatient surgery, so I should be back home within banking hours tomorrow. 

My doctors put down for FOUR WEEKS off following surgery, though! Really??? I will have follow-up appointments next week - I just think that is very unrealistic and unlikely. I am, embarrassingly, asking for sick leave donations from my coworkers, though....eek. 'Cause this hot mama ain't got no Paid Time Off in the bank. Yeesh. One day, I'll be able to pay it forward, when children are grown or at least more self-sufficient, and I'm not always whisking off to a school meeting, doctor appointment or nursemaiding little people at home. Gosh, what an exhausting time in my life this is.

It's times like this that I wonder if I should be looking for a serious relationship, after all, haha. I hope if I find one, it's with someone who is willing to both slog through this challenging time in my life AND be willing to zip around the world laying on various tropical beaches with me in ten years or so, haha.

I'm changing my hair. Maybe next week while I'm home recovering. I'm thinking some sort of soft pixie cut style - just shake things up a bit. And I'm in the market for a cute little black jacket to replace my standard polar fleece I wear around the office. I have a vision of what I'm looking for, now I just need to go find it. Look at me, giving a rip about how I look! There's your post-WLS non-scale-victory for the day, teehee. T'wasn't too long ago that "getting ready" meant getting up and getting out the door, with very little regard for anything else. I am having fun. :)

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Don't Blow It, Girl

When you are planning WLS, and reading the WLS forums (myself, I always read obesityhelp.com), devouring every written word about your upcoming life change...it doesn't seem real. Sure, you read about "honeymoon periods" and how a year out, you can eat so much more than at three months out, etc.

And you think, "Nah, that won't be me."

Uh, sister, it's you. Granted, for sure, I still have incredible "restriction" with my sleeve. I'm not going to sit down and chow down on a big meal. Or if I do, I won't get very far. :)

But I still battle the boredom eating, the bedtime eating, the eating until overstuffed. And it's winter time, so I think my body thinks I'm getting ready to hibernate. My lowest weight I reached was 151.x (I don't keep track of the tenths - if the big number changes, that counts!). A couple days ago I was at 155.x and today at 154.x. Slippery slope ahead, woman, watch out!!

At this point, I'm not terribly worried. I'm having surgery on Thursday, after all, and I think that will do a fair amount to curb my eating and alcohol consumption, for a few days, anyway! Hanging out with Cappy has done a lot to increase my liquid calorie intake, a major red flag. Lots of empty alcohol calories being consumed.

Here, I'll just note that drinking post-WLS is an interesting animal. I have to really watch myself, for several reasons:

- I am 112 pounds lighter than I was, and thus not used to drinking at this smaller size;
- I don't eat very much, which equates to pretty much always drinking on an empty stomach;
- The sleeved stomach behaves differently when it comes to processing alcohol, I believe; and
- I don't eat/drink a lot of sweets, so yummy fruity flavored beverages taste soooo good, it's easy to overindulge!

Okay, so it's important to check myself before I wreck myself. I'm not down to my goal weight yet, and even though that is just a number, I am not satisfied with my body size at this time. I wonder how much of that would change with plastic surgery? I have to say...and here I'll throw in the standard disclaimer of "I'd rather have loose skin than the fat that caused it"...ugh, my naked body is the stuff of nightmares. :| Eep. It's amazing how GOOD you can feel about something, and how BAD, too!

Along the dating front, Cappy and I are still spending nearly all my free time together and having a blast. Gosh, I like him. It is not the wild romance I'm looking for, but I do not think I have ever enjoyed myself so much with a man before. He is fun and funny and smart and interesting. I have a feeling this will play itself out here sometime, but I am enjoying myself very much in the meantime. It's okay if it doesn't work out: there are some obstacles that I am not sure we'll overcome. But for now, I'm willing to let it ride, as I truly enjoy being with him so much. If nothing else, he has been a great re-introduction into serious dating, and an inspiration to the fact that there are great men out there, just waiting to be found.

I'm not writing him off. It's more of a struggle than I would like, but I have this prevailing sense that he is worth the effort and patience. I kid you not - I don't think you could find a nicer guy. Here, I struggle with whether to let this be my WLS blog or my life blog...

Oh, and dating him is notable for my own post-WLS body concerns and fears. UGH, the LOOSE SKIN! I swear, the first time I was naked I felt like saying, "Look, I know this warrants an explanation." I am feeling very badly about it right now. The big turkey waddle under my chin, the crepe paper boobs, the horrific hanging stomach. The batwings. The wrinkly upper thighs. It is all painful to think about, and today is not a day when I'm celebrating all the successes that led to this loose skin.

It's not a sexy-time day, in other words. Today I am feeling...old. A little despondent over a lifetime of damage to the one body I get. A little paranoid about, "hmm, just how horrific is it for this poor guy to see me naked?"

I had a longtime lover, previously, who was with me when I was 263+ pounds and was with me until not all that long ago at one of my lowest weights in many years. It was a torrid affair. But the thing that I got out of it was this guy made me feel sexier than hell at my highest weight and at my lowest. Damn - my weight or loose skin didn't even occur to me when we were together. I'm trying to tap into that mental energy - that sexiness and desirability and *confidence* that exists when you are feeling great and not beating yourself up over your flaws. My feelings of attractiveness and confidence with him weren't *created* by him, it was an energy that I was allowing myself to feel and enjoy.

Anyway, none of this has anything to do with Cappy, except that I really do feel badly about my body right now. And that has nothing to do with him, either, it's all me, baby.

Hey! Good news, though! My coworker brought in a MASSIVE BAG of clothes for me today!! WOW!! And she's young and hot - so they are all Banana Republic, Abercrombie, Kenneth Cole, HOLY SMOKES!! Jeans and shorts and slacks and dresses and cute tops...WOW!! I should get off my mopey butt and go try on some of these clothes in the restroom, that will probably have me feeling a lot better! Sexy mama! Fashionable mama!!

Monday, January 23, 2012


Well, that week sure went by quickly, didn't it? Let's see, Monday was the MLK holiday and I was home from work Tuesday-Thursday for impending snow and actual snow. Today, nothing short of a blizzard would have kept me home from work. CABIN FEVER! I would make a most miserable hermit, I tell you. I wouldn't last a day in solitary confinement, either.

Anyway - back to the real world. The snow days weren't entirely unproductive, although I did watch more tv than I have in a long time. I also completed several lingering, but entirely unnoticeable, household chores. I scrubbed in, on and under the microwave oven. I stood on the kitchen counters and scrubbed cobwebs from the corners. I took down the Christmas lights and raked up the last of the maple leaves from the front yard. (The back yard is still about 3' deep in maple leaves, plus now there's 5-6" of snow added to the top. It will continue to be a wet, stinky job to put them in the yard waste bin. Note to future self: the leaves will not go away on their own. Rake them while they are dry. You have been warned!

Friday afternoon, I indulged in a little unnecessary retail therapy. I blame SBUX, because the SBUX in my lobby was closed due to weather. So I had to walk through the tunnel to the other location. And in between, there was the shoe shine stand selling cute vintage silver jewelry. If I am going to fall for jewelry, it will be cute silvery stuff.

I feel so dainty. And it was sized perfectly for me. :)
Cute! And Sexy Sabrina is working on me to do a dramatic short hair style. She was pushing for a major change in hair style tied to my 100 pound loss, but I let her down by only getting a trim. ;) We are arguing about whether or not I have a mannish face. I say mannish at best, carp-like at worst. She saw a barista at SBUX with a very cute pixie-like cut and immediately jumped on it for me. She says the barista is cute but I'm even cuter. Is it any WONDER I was desperate to get back into work to see Sabrina?? :)

My weight is stuck, and don't think I don't know the reason. I've been eating and drinking like I plan on hibernating.

I meant to post this on Friday but ran out of time. Later today I will be back with an actual weight-loss related post, and it is not a good one. Grr.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Well, That Didn't Hurt, Did It?

Happy Friday! O-M-G has it ever been a long week, and I am delighted that it is approaching the end. The kids and I were struck by the plague late last week: I had to take a taxi home to pick up my littlest from daycare, he got so suddenly and violently ill. My oldest has been home from school the entire week. One day this week, I had to have the carpets professionally cleaned as a result of this illness - I'll let you draw your own conclusions on that one!

Submitting my timecard yesterday, I had the unpleasant realization that I am completely out of paid time off. Ugh. This is not a pretty scenario as I head into my surgery next week. Next week? Um, the week after. January 26th.

Oh, anyway, I had another very fun couple of evenings with Cappy thus far. I told you, yesterday, about the gaffe with my friend starting to talk about my weight loss while we were all at dinner. (Believe me - I am an open book. I am very hard to offend and I blather on about all the details of my life, so I *GET* why my friends wouldn't have thought a thing about talking about it, haha. Everyone is surprised, myself included, when we run into these little pockets of neuroses I've got hidden around!)

Last night, being ultra cool and hip as I now am, I was out with Ray at some bar to see a couple of very cool bands (uh, which did not start until 10pm. On a work night.). We had arrived early and were sitting around chatting. When we had been out shopping on Broadway earlier, he had found a vintage Pendleton coat that he was super-jazzed up about. Now was moving on to something to complete the look.

And just as smooth as butter, I just opened my pretty little mouth and said, "I'm getting to rebuild my wardrobe from scratch. I had surgery on my stomach (bah! Couldn't say it all the way, could I? haha) last year and I've lost a lot of weight."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I finally pulled the trigger on saying something that is so ridiculously easy for me to talk about, except when it's not.

His response? "Cool." Or something like that.

The whole thing was pretty overly dramatic.

Now, let's talk about #holidayboyfriend, shall we? He passed through the holidays and now our respective birthdays. I sure am enjoying spending time with him, he is great fun. In many, many ways, he's like the ideal guy. I have been lamenting for a long time that my friends and I were in a rut: doing the same things, going to the same places. I freely admit that I have been going stir-crazy for awhile. I've been trying to branch out on my own, because I really was becoming unhappy with how I spent my free time. Loneliness and boredom were creeping in on me, a lot.

Oh, but this is about Cappy. How incredibly cool to meet someone who likes to do all the same stuff I do. And then he likes to do all this stuff that I've never done, which is even more fun! Yesterday afternoon, in anticipation of going out, I'll admit, my ass was dragging. We had been out late the night before. I was having a long day at work. I ran myself out of paid time off (not related to him at all). I was stressed, and the thought of another night on the town?? Ack! I was feeling every single one of my newly minted forty-two years. But it was his birthday, and I'm always up for an adventure.

And this morning - I'm reflecting on the experience. I am tired, yes, but I had such a freaking good time last night. I am so glad I went. I would rather my ass be dragging a little because I'm out doing something I really enjoy. With him, I've been going places that would have been outside my comfort zone, but would have always wanted to do. (Jeez, no place that crazy - we're not swinging from chandeliers or anything.) Places like this and this (my first gay bar!) and this and this and this and this and this (okay, this was the site of my awful art exhibit - I'm still irritated about it) and this. Gosh, that's a lot of bars. Well, I have also watched more football in the last month than I have in the last 20 years.

Continuing my stream of consciousness writing - when I write about Cappy and the emphasis on clothes and vintage fashion and how he took me to my first gay bar and did I say that our little Capricorn goat horns locked one night over the "to dance or not dance issue" (you know I am a novice dancer, and there is a delicate alcohol-to-embarrassment ratio which must be attended to if you want me to dance)...well, anyway...

He's not gay. Haha! No, he's much cooler than that - he's the super cool guy you can bring around your gay friends and he's not going to get all weirded out and drive you nuts and make everyone uncomfortable.* The gay guys do like him - he said it, and I have seen it myself, haha. And when I first showed my Sugar Daddy his picture, SD said, "Well, if you don't want him, I'll take him." He's just super likeable and fun, and I am trying not to let it get to me that he dresses a lot better than I do and actual has a very finely refined sense of his own style. This is interesting to me in that all my previous men have been of the jeans and t-shirt variety. When he was talking about various vintage clothing shops around...I purred that I planned to stop by Target and pick up another t-shirt. :) I do not think he's terribly impressed with my own sense of style, haha, but he hasn't given me any derisive looks or comments. ;) And hey, I'm new to this.

Anyway - if there was a point to this post, I have long since forgotten it. I am having fun. Probably a little too much fun. When I put it out to the universe that I wanted a fun guy who drinks socially and likes to do stuff - well, the universe gave it back to me in spades, I think. As far as a couple, or forecasting where this will go, or otherwise...I'm just trying to let it ride. It is not quite right...but worth pursuing for now.

*Many years ago, X  had a gay coworker who told him he looked very handsome in a red shirt. To my knowledge, X never wore red again, and certainly not to work. So this is an example of how you can be a good, open-minded, liberal, gay rights supportive person who is still just weirdly threatened. I find it irksome.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

If You're Gonna Lie - Make Sure Your Friends Are in on it First

Not lying, really, just non-disclosure. You know, more and more I think when I started dating Cappy I should have just said, "Hi, I'm Julie, I had WLS." I think, now, the perfect opportunity would have been when he first saw me naked, and I could have said, "Uh, yes, well, this requires some sort of explanation, doesn't it?" Hahaha!

SERIOUSLY! When does this come up in conversation? We are laughing and talking about whatever, enjoying ourselves, and I just have not felt like bringing it up.

Oh, but my friends will. >:) God bless 'em, every one.

Last night, we're out for the big birthday festivities - it's me and Cappy and my three closest friends. Regretfully, my Sugar Daddy has been very ill for days now and could not join us. Sexy Sabrina was also having a horrible medical day and couldn't make it. But we had a really wonderful evening.

Scene: cozy Capitol Hill bar, the five of us seated on two leather couches facing each other. One of the leather couches (mine and Cappy's) is very uncomfortable, by the way. We are sharing several plates of sushi and drinking yummy cocktails.

Friend #1 to Friend #2, proudly: So did you get to see our little Julie's transformation year collage??
Julie: (making SHUT UP faces wildly at Friend #1)
Friend #1: (looking confusedly at Julie, mouthing "What? What?")


Bahaha. Ooops, I guess I tell them everything, but forgot to tell them that I hadn't mentioned the weight loss to Cappy.

I don't think there was any resolution to that issue. I have no idea if/what Cappy interpreted from this, thankfully he was engrossed in his sushi and at least appeared unaware of what was going on.

As soon as Cappy got up to go to the bar, Friend #3 smart-assedly declares, "Alright - let's get your lies straight - what does this guy know about you and what have you led him to believe?"

I told friends, "Oh, I forgot to tell you - I'm 35 and I don't have any kids. Don't blow my cover." :)

Anyway, my friends really like him, and I do, too. He likes them. It's a big lovefest. The men are planning March Madness viewing parties. It is making it difficult for me to set and/or enforce term limits as he is ingratiating himself in with my peeps. I, being an overthinker and overanalyzer, have not decided what role Cappy plays in my life, but I am surely enjoying spending time with him in the meantime.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

One Year Surgery Anniversary (Surgiversary)

Oh, I'm still not all that wild about the word "surgiversary," but you can't beat it for summing it up! :)

One year ago today I started on an amazing journey. I cannot begin to say how happy I am with my decision to have VSG. I have lost 112 pounds, and I am 11 pounds off my first goal of a "normal BMI." Amazing. A year ago, I was battling depression and I had reached a point of utter futility and hopelessness in many facets of my life. VSG surgery was an opportunity, a gift I gave myself to try to shake up my life the way it so desperately needed.

It worked. :) I have always known I am strong. I have lost weight and battles the associated demons of obesity many times in my life. What I couldn't do was keep the weight off. This lead to that increasing feeling of futility. Losing weight meant gaining more back. I could not bear the thought of weighing any more than I did.

At the same time, I also had reached a point where I didn't give a rip what I weighed anymore. I knew the path I was on, and I knew it was a bleak and grim path, and I just didn't care. It was time for a major upset in my life, and I pursued surgery exactly as it was: a lifeline.

Wow! And here I am! A hottie-patottie! And just to show that even 112 pounds lighter, it is still a battle of mental imagery. This morning on the bus, I felt fat. My thighs were squished out on the seat, the banded waist of my cute new top (you like?) had rolled up. Ugh.

I got to work and checked myself in the full-length mirror. Oh no, not fat! Hawt!! You go, girl! It's your surgiversary and you RULE THE WORLD!! ;)

Here's some pics. Later this week I'll pontificate on some one-year post-op thoughts, wins and losses, dragons slayed and demons still in tow. But today, I just wanna look at my one-year collage and this morning's pic. :)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Happy Birthday to Meeeeeeeee!!

OMG, my surgiversary is tomorrow, too! WHAT A BIG WEEK! Hopefully, I'll have a burst of super-organization and I'll be able to post a progression of my monthly weight loss pictures. Don't hold your breath. But I'll get to it sometime soon, if not in time for tomorrow's post.

Unless there is an overnight weight loss miracle, I don't see myself busting into my 140s in time for tomorrow's weigh-in. This morning's scale very inflexibly said "152.0." Ah, well, it will come!

OMG (again) I went shopping at the Rack yesterday - can I just say that one of the most funnest things ever to do is try on something and "darn it, it's TOO BIG!" What a super cool feeling. "Gosh, I'd get this, but it's too big." "Oh, I better see if there's a small on the rack." (this is not always the case - I seem to be fairly squarely into the mediums, with a bend and flex toward either smalls or large, depending on the garment.

Seriously, there is a boob job in my future. I decided I have such a hard time finding a bra because there is just too much to roll up and stuff these days. It's gotta spill out somewhere. I think I will start some plastic surgery consults. I don't know if I'd go with boobs or belly first! Magic wand, where are you?

I bought a cute top (I hope you think it's cute, it's a little out there) for tomorrow's one year pics and for tomorrow night's evening out with my buddies to celebrate my birthday. It is fun to start buying new clothes again!

Hmm, I think I've ran out of stream of consciousness blogging. I'll be back later, or at least with a one-year surgiversary post tomorrow! Yay!!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Welcome 2012!

I am not much for making New Year's resolutions - it has just never been something I've done. But I'm all about the bright shininess of a crisp, clean new year! And many good things are on the horizon for this year. I've got my one year "surgiversary" on the 11th (I *will* get under 150 pounds before then!!), and my gallbladder/tubal ligation/uterine ablation surgery on the 26th or thereabouts. Throw in my birthday on the 10th (and Cappy's on the 12th) and it's a busy month!

My gallbladder has stopped hurting - knock on my wooden head for luck - so that's a relief. I had been worried about the month between learning I needed to have it out to the surgery date, but I think it will be just fine. I had an iron IV infusion last week (12/27), and it does great things to perk me up quickly. Right now the plan is for monthly infusions to keep that ferritin level stabilized. Just as aside, they discovered my ferritin levels were in the toilet *before* my WLS, so this isn't something that was brought on by the gastric sleeve surgery.

Whew, it was a great weekend! It sounds funny to say, but it will be a relief for the kids to be home this weekend so I can get some rest, haha. This dating business is fun stuff. And while I did have the embarrassment of taking him to see an art exhibit I was interested in, which turned out to the HORRIBLE...so bad I told him I felt like I should give him gas money. I won't even link to it here because I don't want you to have to suffer. What a joke that turned out to be! Hint: it's the current exhibit at the Frye Art Museum. Horrible. Really embarrassing to have taken someone there. Turned out to be giant framed photos of....nothing. Like a pure white background. Argh. Ridiculous, really. Thank goodness for good sports. And I love the Frye Art Museum - but I was physically pained to have visited this exhibit. Bah.

I have been enjoying hanging out with someone fun, though (and especially a good sport about that dreadful exhibit) and we have been spending a lot of time together. A few observations in the WLS vein:

- I have not mentioned anything about my surgery or weight loss. Not because I am ashamed of it, although I am probably more than a little embarrassed, when I think honestly. Nor has he asked.
- It is rather difficult to "explain oneself" about post-WLS eating. Umm, I don't eat a lot. And I don't eat very frequently. It is noticeable. I really should say something at some point. It's something that you wouldn't notice if you ate with me once in awhile, but have a string of meals with me and it's pretty obvious. And I am a total food mooch these days, anyway..."Oh, I'll just have a bite of yours." It really is silly to order a separate entree. I have noticed that Cappy, like my good friends, is at a bit of a loss when it comes to eating with me. We have eaten out together *a lot* over the last several weeks - it really merits some sort of an explanation.
- So what's up with that?? Here I am happily blogging away about my journey - my friends know every little detail, too. But this is somehow hard for me to talk about. I guess it would be just like Sheila said before - "Oh, did I mention I used to be 111 pounds heavier??" Buzzkill. Or, per Arrested Development, my all-time favoritest show ev-ah, which I have been happily watching with Cappy, who also loves it..."Douche-chill!"

Hmm, I am picking up where I left off yesterday - I thought I finished this and posted. Clearly, I have been a little distracted. We'll just go with some other random things:

- My friend gave me a small bottle of Chanel No. 22 for Christmas, along with some Chanel lip gloss and some little sample bottles. I am enjoying feeling (and smelling!) like a rich woman. ;)
- I am heading out at lunch today to buy Cappy a too-expensive-for-the-newly-dating birthday present, but it is something that he adored and I figure, what the hell. It's part of that smelling-like-a-rich-woman-thing, I think.
- He will probably not get me a birthday present because we are newly-dating and (see below) are in the process of killing something which would otherwise be quite great, I think, and I will feel awkward but it will be worth it to see him enjoying it.
- He and I are both overthinkers (Capricorns), so we will clearly run this relationship into the ground before it ever really gets going. But it is very fun in the meantime. I am really enjoying dating again for real for the first time since my divorce. With or without Cappy, it will continue.
- My sugar daddy (optimistically-named but with sadly little follow-through on his part) is splitting with his partner of 30+ years after a long prelude and a very bad New Year's weekend. I am sad for him but TOTALLY GET the "I'M SO OVER THIS" sentiment he is expressing, and I am his self-appointed cheerleader. It is worth mentioning here that my dear, dear, dear friend Kim jumped back into my life after a long absence (thank you, facebook) in the midst of my divorce and cheer leaded, hand-held, supported, slapped around when I needed it, and unequivocally took my side throughout my divorce and I will never forget what it meant to me. Never.
- A gay dissolution of domestic partnership in Washington State is every bit the headache and financial disaster of a divorce in Washington State. I realize and acknowledge I carry some baggage from my own divorce (where I was delighted to escape with my pension plan intact), because as I'm looking at forms and papers and websites with SD (Sugar Daddy), I am genuinely filled with a "why do people do this to themselves" feeling and a very real reluctance or outright resistance to doing it again. And if I do - I will have a pre-nup to protect that pension plan.
- Cappy is twice-divorced, himself, so I dare say neither of us are beating a path to the altar, here. And why is it that when I was looking at online dating sites, a man in his forties who had not been married would give me the willies, and when I think of someone twice-divorced, I am less-stressed than "never married" but still stressed. Can it really be that there is a "right amount" of divorcedness in dating?? Once is desirable, twice is suspect??
- I may be supporting SD's divorce/dissolution so earnestly because I still have lines on moving in with him into his beautiful Capitol Hill home that I adore. I'm just sayin'. Giant clawfoot tub. Loads of gorgeous wood trim. It is one cool house. I picked out my bedroom the first time I saw it.
- Something is a little broke in me because when SD told me about the split, I was immediately in full-support, let's-git-er-done mode, not mourn-the-marriage mode. When he later told Sexy Sabrina while I was there, she cried, then he cried. Umm, I forgot to cry. (Part of that is because I've never met his partner - to me, he's been a faceless energy-suck on my friend.) I think even 2+ years after the divorce (and coming up on three since we split), I am not entirely recovered. I jumped right into Dan Savage's DTMFA (Dump the MF'er Already) mode. Oh, hardened heart. ;)
- I caught the early bus in today and almost had to jump in front of the bus to stop him. The driver said, "Oh, you surprised me! No one ever gets on here!" Uhh, but people stand at the stop waving and ready to board and this doesn't interest you? :)
- I caught the early bus in today because my house guest works early. ;) And that's all I'm sayin' about that.