Friday, March 25, 2011

WLS: Not a Magic Wand

I am still pretty discouraged - tomorrow is my WLS support group at the hospital, and I am remembering that I am only down a pound from my last meeting on 3/10. (The group meets the second Thursday and fourth Saturday of the month. Like many people, I will eventually switch to only attending once a month, but right now, it is good support for me and I look forward to both meetings.)

It has been a tough month, weight loss wise. I did spike up those six pounds, and thankfully have taken that all off. I am down to my lowest, but again, still just hovering here.

I am a messy jumble of conflicting emotions about the current state of my weight. On the one hand, "Hello, who's lost 44 pounds this year? Yeah baby, it's me!"

On the other - grr. Weight loss has pretty much crapped out lately. You can see on the above graph how things have slowed down. I refuse to acknowledge the spikes in weight and subsequent loss, haha. I record lowest weight only!

There are things that I can change. I am impressed with myself when I get in 40 ounces of liquid (Diet Snapple tea) a day. I should push this more. I need to track my food, but I loathe doing so.

I eat my protein first, but I doubt I actually get in enough of it. Today, for instance:

2 hard boiled eggs
2T light mayo
Squirt of mustard
Squirt of pickle relish

Right now I am drinking a protein shake - 160 calories and 30 grams of protein.

Yesterday, it was the egg salad, 2T of peanut butter, a SBUX oatmeal package of nuts (100 calories but I can't remember how much protein.

And then, here is the one thing I need to change in order to adopt a more pragmatic view of the rate of weight loss:

I am a night eater. I have always, always been a night eater. Like right before bed. Last night, I attended an event for a friend. Stupidly, they did not serve food there, and I was expecting to be able to buy dinner. Afterward, I bought a small protein-laden salad (chicken breast, salami, garbanzo beans, mozz cheese) and a personal pizza. (Ok - at some point I just need to acknowledge that I need to cut breads out of my life completely for awhile.)

Now, I can't eat much, so I don't disparage myself much for what I ate. One slice of the pizza, not the crust. A fair amount of the protein off the salad, a couple bites of lettuce. When I finished with the salad, it pretty much looked untouched.

What I need to change is *how* I eat - pretty much only at night. I can't eat much, but I kept eating when I knew damn well I was full. I ate until I was physically very uncomfortable. And when I was no longer in physical pain from eating - well, I decided I wanted some frozen blueberries. Again - it wasn't the quantity. It was one ounce or so in a two ounce bowl. It is the uncontrolled nature of the eating that kills me.

Pre-surgery, I ate until stuffed, pretty much every night before bed. The worst time to eat like this. Post-op, I have proven to myself again and again that WLS is not a magic wand. I am not hungry. I was not hungry pre-op, either. And still, I eat to the max I am allowed.

I hate this. A friend and were talking about it today, and she was brainstorming the whys - and I said, well, for as much as I've thought about it - it really doesn't matter *why,* at some point, I just need to stop. Whether the calories sabotage me or not - this is the only thing that I am doing that is actively destructive to my weight loss goals.

If I can stop it - I can acknowledge that my weight loss will have ups and downs and varying rates of success. I accept that I am doing my best, and that is enough.

But first, I have to stop this nighttime eating. And it is so hard. I have battled against this all my adult life. It is just my time to decompress, or self-medicate with food, or wind down, or ??

It ends now. I need to have a clear conscience about my weight loss so I can enjoy the journey. This nighttime eating weighs heavy on me (figuratively/literally) every time I'm struggling.

ETA: I did do 12 flights of stairs today (my friend had the day off and has the card key access to our 20th flight, haha. I did 12 to my floor and decided I would rather stop than go up 20 and back down 8. I wimped out, but I was super busy at work today. Also, my lunch walking buddy wasn't around, but I did get out by myself and take a nice walk. Glad I did, because it was beautiful at lunch but STORMY now - we had a couple great days of sun, and now the forecast is another week of rain, bah.

Also, I always feel a little embarrassed/sheepish when I re-read posts like this, confessing I am a major nighttime eater. But then I figure, hey, you all don't think I got fat by eating apricots. ;)


  1. It's so important to be honest with ourselves (and others who may struggle with similar issues). 12 flights is uber impressive! Good for you for walking during lunch!

  2. I, too am starting to figure out what 'works' for me and what doesn't...the stuff that doesn't work is the hardest to let go of. And please don't forget that -44lbs is freaking fantastic!!!!!!!!