The Agony...

Ugh, worst week ever!! Today, the scale is up an unbelievable six pounds. My weight has been jumping up all week - taunting me with the reminder that I shouldn't weigh myself every day.

I am loathe to even blog about it because I am so mortified, so frustrated and irritated. But again, I want to look back and read this and remember, "Oh yeah, these things happened. And it all turned out fine." And for whatever reason, these things are happening.

Maybe I'm pregnant. (This is not scientifically possible - but NEITHER IS GAINING SIX POUNDS OFF THE FOOD I'M EATING. )

Clearly, something is all whacked out with my systems. My periods cycle radically: I'm on-again, off-again every four days or so. I wonder if I'm bloated - but I only drink about 40 ounces of fluid a day (not enough, but it's reality). I thought about taking one of my prescription water retention pills, but with my fluid intake being what it is - well, it doesn't seem prudent.

I've expounded ad nauseum about my digestive issues. Food in = nuttin out. I am drinking fiber, I'm trying the stool softener again. (I promise, I am about DONE talking about my digestive issues here. Not trying to be gross, just trying to figure out how this new body works.)

My eating. I am able to eat a larger quantity of food, but still, the larger quantity is not much. Last night, I ate a whole garden burger patty (of the Costco variety) for dinner. I thinly sliced some cheese on top, and ate it with A-1 sauce.

For lunch, I had quite probably my biggest meal since the surgery: a thin-sized bagel with turkey bacon, avocado slices, tomato and lettuce. Jalapeno cream cheese. I actually felt pretty badly about this one, because in order to eat it, I did what I'm not supposed to do: took a long time. I bought it, brought it back to my desk and ate about 1/2 of it. Then later in the afternoon, I ate the other half.

Breakfast was a protein shake (again the Costco variety). Last night, stressed about eating, weight gain, and going to a school event where I dreaded sitting with ex and his new girlfriend and his mom, when my own family couldn't attend...well, I bought a Push-Up at the gas station.

So, my "worst" eating day looked like this:

Protein shake - 160 calories
Bagel sandwich - I don't know the calorie count from the restaurant, so we'll have to break it down:
   - turkey bacon, two slices: 80 calories
   - jalapeno cream cheese, 60 calories
   - thin bagel, 110 calories
   - avocado, 60 calories
   - lettuce and tomato, eh
Garden burger - 160 calories
Push-Up - 90 calories

So, my baaaaad day eating was 720 calories. Give me a break. For this I am mentally torturing myself over blowing this whole surgery?

It's my body. It's adjusting. Maybe larger portions have it thinking, "HURRY - she's eating - let's save it for when she starts starving us again!" Maybe my womanly cycles need to regulate themselves after all the surgery and reduced eating trauma. Maybe I'm carrying an immaculate conception baby. (Whom I would immediately turn over to monks to raise.)

I've decided a couple things from this week's trauma. It's time for me to start logging my food. Even though I *know* in my heart I am not eating to destroy my efforts, when the scale doesn't go my way, I immediately start beating myself up over food. If I acknowledge my eating on a daily basis, hopefully I'll steal my self-flagellation thunder away. Can't beat yourself up over what you're not doing wrong.

Whole foods. Right now, I need to know what's going into my mouth. When I saw the scale this morning, I immediately freaked out over how many thousands of calories that Noah's Bagels sandwich must have had. Even though I *knew* it was not bad. But still, I need peace of mind while my body works itself out.

Also, I'm comparing last night's dinner of a Gardenburger to this morning's breakfast of a hard boiled egg. The garden burger was bigger, yummier, went down easier. For pete's sake, my hard boiled egg is sitting in my stomach like a bomb and it's been three hours since I ate it. Perhaps this is what I need right now. With the garden burger, I ate faster and I ate more. With the egg, I know my stomach is oh-so-skeptical about eating them, so I eat slowly and I don't drink for a long time after eating. As in, I just had my first drink since eating it. (Which puts me far behind in my Snapple in the morning, Snapple in the afternoon liquid intake plan, haha.)

Eggs are harder to digest, but I do a better job following program. And even if the scale went up 10 pounds in a week, if I were eating eggs, plain tuna, etc. - well, I wouldn't even think to beat myself up over what I'm doing wrong.

So maybe it's time for a little back to basics eating. I've gotten more adventurous with my eating, and maybe there's nothing wrong with that, but my feelings of success really took a beating over it this week.

p.s. - In titling this post "The Agony," it is my most sincere and fervent hope that next Friday I will get to write a post sincerely titled, "And the Ecstasy." Keep your fingers crossed for me!

p.p.s. - And if you think I am shoving that weight loss counter upwards, you are sadly mistaken. :) I won't push it downward to my lowest weight achieved, 219 pounds, but I'm not pushing it back up either. I reached that milestone, I just tripped over my shoelaces and fell back a couple steps.

p.p.p.s. - Also, in the midst of writing this post I took a break and climbed twelve flights of stairs with my friend. And I'm meeting another friend in an hour for a brisk walk. I *am* trying. :)