Friday, March 18, 2011

The Agony...

Ugh, worst week ever!! Today, the scale is up an unbelievable six pounds. My weight has been jumping up all week - taunting me with the reminder that I shouldn't weigh myself every day.

I am loathe to even blog about it because I am so mortified, so frustrated and irritated. But again, I want to look back and read this and remember, "Oh yeah, these things happened. And it all turned out fine." And for whatever reason, these things are happening.

Maybe I'm pregnant. (This is not scientifically possible - but NEITHER IS GAINING SIX POUNDS OFF THE FOOD I'M EATING. )

Clearly, something is all whacked out with my systems. My periods cycle radically: I'm on-again, off-again every four days or so. I wonder if I'm bloated - but I only drink about 40 ounces of fluid a day (not enough, but it's reality). I thought about taking one of my prescription water retention pills, but with my fluid intake being what it is - well, it doesn't seem prudent.

I've expounded ad nauseum about my digestive issues. Food in = nuttin out. I am drinking fiber, I'm trying the stool softener again. (I promise, I am about DONE talking about my digestive issues here. Not trying to be gross, just trying to figure out how this new body works.)

My eating. I am able to eat a larger quantity of food, but still, the larger quantity is not much. Last night, I ate a whole garden burger patty (of the Costco variety) for dinner. I thinly sliced some cheese on top, and ate it with A-1 sauce.

For lunch, I had quite probably my biggest meal since the surgery: a thin-sized bagel with turkey bacon, avocado slices, tomato and lettuce. Jalapeno cream cheese. I actually felt pretty badly about this one, because in order to eat it, I did what I'm not supposed to do: took a long time. I bought it, brought it back to my desk and ate about 1/2 of it. Then later in the afternoon, I ate the other half.

Breakfast was a protein shake (again the Costco variety). Last night, stressed about eating, weight gain, and going to a school event where I dreaded sitting with ex and his new girlfriend and his mom, when my own family couldn't attend...well, I bought a Push-Up at the gas station.

So, my "worst" eating day looked like this:

Protein shake - 160 calories
Bagel sandwich - I don't know the calorie count from the restaurant, so we'll have to break it down:
   - turkey bacon, two slices: 80 calories
   - jalapeno cream cheese, 60 calories
   - thin bagel, 110 calories
   - avocado, 60 calories
   - lettuce and tomato, eh
Garden burger - 160 calories
Push-Up - 90 calories

So, my baaaaad day eating was 720 calories. Give me a break. For this I am mentally torturing myself over blowing this whole surgery?

It's my body. It's adjusting. Maybe larger portions have it thinking, "HURRY - she's eating - let's save it for when she starts starving us again!" Maybe my womanly cycles need to regulate themselves after all the surgery and reduced eating trauma. Maybe I'm carrying an immaculate conception baby. (Whom I would immediately turn over to monks to raise.)

I've decided a couple things from this week's trauma. It's time for me to start logging my food. Even though I *know* in my heart I am not eating to destroy my efforts, when the scale doesn't go my way, I immediately start beating myself up over food. If I acknowledge my eating on a daily basis, hopefully I'll steal my self-flagellation thunder away. Can't beat yourself up over what you're not doing wrong.

Whole foods. Right now, I need to know what's going into my mouth. When I saw the scale this morning, I immediately freaked out over how many thousands of calories that Noah's Bagels sandwich must have had. Even though I *knew* it was not bad. But still, I need peace of mind while my body works itself out.

Also, I'm comparing last night's dinner of a Gardenburger to this morning's breakfast of a hard boiled egg. The garden burger was bigger, yummier, went down easier. For pete's sake, my hard boiled egg is sitting in my stomach like a bomb and it's been three hours since I ate it. Perhaps this is what I need right now. With the garden burger, I ate faster and I ate more. With the egg, I know my stomach is oh-so-skeptical about eating them, so I eat slowly and I don't drink for a long time after eating. As in, I just had my first drink since eating it. (Which puts me far behind in my Snapple in the morning, Snapple in the afternoon liquid intake plan, haha.)

Eggs are harder to digest, but I do a better job following program. And even if the scale went up 10 pounds in a week, if I were eating eggs, plain tuna, etc. - well, I wouldn't even think to beat myself up over what I'm doing wrong.

So maybe it's time for a little back to basics eating. I've gotten more adventurous with my eating, and maybe there's nothing wrong with that, but my feelings of success really took a beating over it this week.

p.s. - In titling this post "The Agony," it is my most sincere and fervent hope that next Friday I will get to write a post sincerely titled, "And the Ecstasy." Keep your fingers crossed for me!

p.p.s. - And if you think I am shoving that weight loss counter upwards, you are sadly mistaken. :) I won't push it downward to my lowest weight achieved, 219 pounds, but I'm not pushing it back up either. I reached that milestone, I just tripped over my shoelaces and fell back a couple steps.

p.p.p.s. - Also, in the midst of writing this post I took a break and climbed twelve flights of stairs with my friend. And I'm meeting another friend in an hour for a brisk walk. I *am* trying. :)


  1. You read my mind in the p.p.s....good for you.
    How about just weighing yourself once a week? Maybe on Friday mornings, before the weekend starts? That's what I try to do, but usually forget, then end up weighing on Saturday mornings. We always have pizza or go out on Fridays...not smart.

  2. I don't count calories at all. I count protein only and stay away from carbs because carbs turn to sugar and if not burned...fat! NOOOooooo!

  3. Stalls are agony, but weight gain, maybe that is agony on crack? Agonyx2? Agony gone awry? UGH! SO sorry and you are right, so your WORST day you ingested 720-ish calories. Remember when half of your loaded baked potato and chicken fingers was 720 calories??? Anyway, you know the drill, start logging what you eat, drink enough water to drown an elephant, and soon this will be a distant far-off memory that you can soon erase completely from your brain. HANG IN THERE LADY!

  4. DOnt forget, if you havent pooped, its all in there, adding to your weight.
    Maybe just dont weigh yourself til you've pottied.
    And BTW....I think its time for a straight up laxative. If the stool softeners aren't doing the trick after this long, its NOT good. You can get really sick from that.
    Water will help move things too.
    I feel for ya, I do.

  5. Ya something is going on with your body adjusting ...maybe after you go potty it will help. Also, what kind of exercise are you doing??

  6. You have to learn to accept it. Don't get me wrong, it is a pain in the ass, but "it is what it is". "It is what it is" is usually a sentence that pushes my buttons because in all the reality TV shows, people say it after they fudged something up and I want to scream "No, it's not what it is, YOU made it that!!". In our case though, it really is just that and largely out of your control. Just keep doing what you are doing, there is almost no way that you DON'T lose at this calorie level - the only thing I'd recommend is almost to up your calories to about 850 calories. This is especially true if you are very consistent, and not if you alternate your calories anyway.
    Just sit it out - it's like a winter storm, nothing you can do about it, but it will get over all by itself! If you are logging at MFP, open your diary, maybe we see something that seems "off".
    Also, some things that are sometimes neglected:
    Benefiber has 15 to 30 calories
    Gummy vitamins have 15 to 30 calories
    A1 has 30 calories per tablespoon
    Are you weighing your protein? If I go by scoop, I am about 30% over compared to weight.
    Where is the cheese that you had on the garden burger? That could be another 50 calories.
    Do you put milk/coffeemate in your coffee? Maybe 30 calories?
    Avocado has about 300 calories for the whole fruit, did you have less than a quarter?
    I am not trying to give you crap, I am just trying to see where 100 to 200 calories or even more can creep in easily and remain unaccounted for. Tracking helps a lot if you are meticulous about it. I use because their smartphone app is awesome!
    Otherwise, I guess we all feel your pain, hang in there!!!