Thursday, March 3, 2011

I Know What Evil Looks Like

I should have walked away. I knew that the mini-mart by my house has nothing of value for me, food-wise. I was hungry, I wanted breakfast. I had no time to go to the grocery store, I told myself. I asked the cashier where their little bags of almonds were: but even as I asked, my tummy said, "hmm." Wasabi-flavored almonds, while delicious, are probably not wise right now. As I mulled over the almonds, the face of evil locked eyes with me. I blame 23imaginaryfriends and her daughter, who introduced me to the homemade version of this incredibly powerful monster!

I bought the bag. I told myself I was being ridiculous. I am ever so reluctant to blog about this major transgression, because I am embarrassed and disappointed in myself. However. This blog is a chronicle of my experience with weight loss surgery. In a year, in two years, I want to be able to look back on my experience and know where I came from, where I am now, and how I got there. Making bad food choices is part of that journey. Will I get a handle on it? Will I overcome the problems that led me to reach 263 pounds? Will I ever learn?

Yes. I am confident I will. I cannot pretend that I have solved my eating issues overnight just by virtue of the surgery. I can admit to myself, however, that poor eating choices may put myself at risk of physical harm. This excerpt is from the obesity forum today, the story of someone who has lost 150 pounds in a year. This person learned some lessons the hard way, too:
"Once after about two or three months out I ended up in the hospital with severe stomach pains. Never had that much pain in my life. My doctor ordered blood work, abdominal X-Ray , CT Scan, Upper endoscopy all test came back negative. He...did a leak test and discovered a leak and repaired it...All this was due to me going carb crazy when I deviated from program two days before my pains. I didn’t think that my deviation two full days before I experienced any pain was related to my symptoms but looking back I think it was. This is why I always advise people to stick to program. You never know what the results of a little deviation can do, especially when you’re a newbie."

Powerful lesson. Over the course of the day, my listless, feeling sorry for myself day, I ate the whole bag. I don't think it was 10 oz, I think it was 7 oz. But really, does that matter? It was 7-10 ounces of poison. Poison to my body, poison to my hopes, poison to all the hard work I've been doing.

I will learn. I am DONE with obesity and food addiction and all its related self-destruction and stupidity. DONE.


  1. Awwww Julie. Hugs. You are right, this is a LEARNING experience and surgery doesn't fix everything. Sorry you are learning some hard lessons. Cereal (in general, ANY kind) was one of my downfalls before surgery, I have only had about 10 handfuls of it in the last 4 months because I know it is slippery slope for me.

  2. Oh you! So sorry about your big screw up. I think it's always important to place blame, so my Ali takes full responsibility.

    I find it ironic that I'm drinking a protein shake for lunch right now...I'm here for you! Get back on that horse right now missy!

  3. Thanks guys. :) I think my surgeon's admonition to not drink protein shakes is actually hurting me in this regard. I *did* look at the Muscle Milk at the gas station but turned away from it. Apparently I'm missing the logic leap that says, "Don't drink protein shake...unless the alternative is Chex Mix candy."

    I am learning some hard lessons! WHY SO MANY, THOUGH?? Grr. And cereal, or any light crunchy carb, is extremely bad news for me, always.

  4. And Ali? Yes, it's time to place blame squarely where it's due. That kid is nothing but trouble, with her "let me make yummy food for you" sinister ways.

  5. I'm able to do protein shakes whenever - I'm almost 3 months out. I don't have carbs (other than the little that's in fruits and veggies) until I'm out 6 months probably because of them being the slippery slope.

  6. Good for you for seeing where you can get better!