Haulin' Ass

Literally. I am noticing my changing body, and while I don't carry much extra weight on my posterior, I can feel the saggy aftermath of the weight loss. Hrm, it appears that I will not be immune to the horrors of extra skin following weight loss. My butt is feeling, uh, less firm, and my wobbly double chin skin has a definite...changed appearance to it. Loose. Empty. This displeases me, but the fact that I am seeing changes to my body pleases me.

My buddy and I just finished our 20-flight stairclimb. And even better, we turned around at the top and went back down eight flights to my floor. While today seemed more excruciating and painful than yesterday, we were pleased to see that we shaved 28 seconds off yesterday's time! 8:30 today, from 8:58 yesterday. We are hoping to be at 7:30 by the end of the week. I think we can do it: today we lingered on a landing to allow someone coming down to pass. We didn't stop otherwise, but had several long pauses at the bottoms of flights. You know, because our lungs and thighs were on fire.

So, I am feeling good about all that! I've pictured today's food, above. It's about 4 oz of salmon (I have a half-ounce or so nub left), 4 oz of Sunday's Pagliacci sausage lasagna - this is not weight loss food, but at least I am getting four-plus meals out of the one serving size, and 2 oz of oven-roasted asparagus. Yum! I ate that lasagna for breakfast, the asparagus mid-morning and the salmon for lunch. Trouble is, the salmon sat in my stomach like a bomb. I think I ate too much/too fast. Good news: I called my friend and begged to run the stairs early to work it out. Look at me incorporating exercise into my everyday life as a way of making myself feel better! Shocking!

Still pouting about attending Sarah Vowell by myself last night. Hrumph. Tonight it's Dan Savage with a friend and I am greatly looking forward to it. Here's the thing: I loves me some Dan Savage. He's a Seattle boy, too, and I am sure we would be marvelous friends. However, I will not be seeking his autograph (along with his partner's) and photo for my copy of the book. Why? Well, I am a longtime fan and Dan Savage is pretty openly prejudiced against fat people. And if I went for his picture (I would not be content with an autograph, haha, I'd go all groupie on him and want a photo), I'd either be feeling self-conscious or all up in his grill about how I don't hate on him for his homosexuality, how 'bout him not hating on me for my obesity? Hrumph. And then I would break down in tears and apologize for raising my voice to him, 'cause I just adore him. It's better that I hold off on the autograph seeking. ;) It might lead to a restraining order.

Seriously, though, as I said, I am a longtime fan, both of his spoken and written word. I find him smart, HI-larious, and over-all good-hearted, if not a little hard to take sometimes. And I respect his opinion of obesity: fine for you, not for him. When it comes to dating advice, he openly encourages hitting the gym and making yourself marketable. He talks about his caveats to his relationship: grow facial hair or get fat, and you're out. Sometimes I find this hateful or grating, but other times it makes good sense. He takes care of himself, it's reasonable to ask the same of his partner. I saw a comedian, Christopher Titus, who said the same thing: partners should stay within five pounds of "first date weight." (I happen to feel the same way about obese men and facial hair. I realize this is hypocritical - due to my weight, not my facial hair - but it was a reality I started facing when I started dating. I am not attracted to obese men. However, when my own ex gained some forty pounds, I didn't think a thing of it. First impression thing, I guess.)

I guess these things affect me because I very much let myself go after I got married. Part of the reason I think I let myself go was *because* of the marriage, but the fact remains. And my ex never said a thing about it. This, I think, works both for him and against him. Sweet that he loved me no matter what the size. Questionable because, with him, he may well not have even noticed. Sad that he was probably the only one who might have been able to give me the kick-in-the-butt motivator that would have woken me up to what I was doing to myself. Sadder that I didn't give myself my own wake-up call.

Regardless - it is something that will stick with me. Dating as an obese woman is not one of life's most pleasurable experience. In my limited experience, I am nearly invisible to men I meet in person. I give extraordinarily "good phone," I believe, because when I talk to contractors (a generally horny bunch, anyway) at work, I am frequently hit on. But in person, I don't garner a lot of attention. Online, I have not attracted the caliber of man I am interested in. And strangely, since losing some weight and not being super-obese but not being regular-sized, I am actually getting less attention. This confirms my suspicion that as a morbidly obese woman, I was attracting either a) the men who did not think they could do better, or b) the men who simply wanted to sleep with a fat woman.

I've got news for you, gentlemen. I am on my way. And pre-marriage, I was smoking hot. Not in a super-model way, but in an accessible-to-men-damn-she's-cute way. And I am coming back. But now, I am much, much savvier to the ways of men, and I know exactly what I want.

Dan Savage - you'll be begging to take your picture with *me.* ;)