Oh Dear, Where Did I Disappear to?

Wow, I see that I last blogged on Sunday. No particular reason! It has been a very bad weight loss week, though. In fact, the scale was up ridiculously this morning, but I am ignoring it.

Well, not *ignoring* it exactly - because I also put myself back on a protein shake diet today. I am so over food. I am tired of thinking about what to eat, when to eat, how little or much I eat, etc.

I need a handler. Or a team of ladies in waiting. Or something. Someone to manage my life and say "Here, this is exactly what to do. It is the perfect thing."

So...why is the weight up? Well, one, I am still plugged up. I did buy gummy fiber chews, (thank you for the suggestion!) which I used for a couple of days. This has been a terrible, terrible week for taking my pills. Remind me, when I have to have my gallbladder taken out, remind me exactly how unsuccessful I was at taking my anti-gallstone medication, which I am supposed to take twice a day.

I used stool softeners one day oh, about a week ago, thank you for the comment suggestion! By the way, thank you all for your comments, suggestions, support, concern...all that wonderful good stuff. I am always so appreciative of it, even if I don't respond. I always read them and am thankful a) that people are reading my blog and b) that I have such nice, meaningful feedback coming back to me.

So, yes: stool softeners, immediate effect. Not one I would want too often - eep! Maybe if I took just one instead of two. And perhaps took it at night. I didn't notice an effect from the gummies, but I only took them for a couple days before the bottle disappeared. Grr.

Today, I am drinking Benefiber! I bought the unflavored stuff - my motto is always "Buy what Costco tells me to buy," and they said, "here, this is what we sell." I mixed it in with my Snapple diet iced tea. I cannot taste it or feel it, not even a little bit. Good!

But this blog isn't about poop. It's about a poop-like life. :) Why am I feeling down? I have battled depression in the past - when I got divorced, I battled it long and hard. (I always feel like qualifying here, I do not regret losing the *man,* I am well rid of him and was pretty damn tired of him, even if I didn't realize it at the time. What I regret was losing the *marriage* which was rather unexpected, if not long overdue, and even though I pretty quickly figured out that it was absolutely the right thing to do. Then when I say this, I always feel like qualifying it further by saying, yes, I am well rid of the man and would not want him or take him, but truly, he is a good man and a wonderful father. It is still possible to acknowledge this and vacillate between feelings of respect/gratitude and outright hatred, I assure you.)

So, this week has been hard, and obesity/food/work/children have done nothing to assuage it. Here is the likely crux of the problem: I live in Seattle. I love Seattle. I have lived here since I was a toddler. I know nowhere else. But. at. this. time. of. year. the. weather. makes. me. suicidal. and. homicidal. (Remember, if you are feeling suicidal and homicidal, always go after yourself first!)

It rains, all the freaking time. And when it is not raining, it is dark and gray and gloomy. I mused to my friend this week that I wonder, truly, truly wonder, how my life would be different if I lived in a sunny climate. In the rain, I shut down. I do not want to go outside, I do not want to pass go, I do not want to collect $200. I want to lay on the couch and watch tv.

This is not an effective plan for 6+ months out of the year.

But when the bad weather starts in the fall, I am accepting. I can tolerate months of it. But by this time of the year, when we are *just* on the cusp of maybe possibly getting some decent weather in only a month or two...well, I am losing my freaking marbles.

Sadly, it has taken me years to figure out the pattern. I do not readily associate it with the weather. Instead, I turn on myself: all my imperfections, flaws, weaknesses, reasons that my life deservedly sucks.

This year, I'm taking a different approach. I am contemplating a long weekend away with a friend to the sunshine. I cannot afford it, but I don't care. And yesterday, I hired a girl to clean the house. This was actually a bit more depressing: the problem with our tiny townhouse is not so much mess as clutter. And not clutter like knick-knacky type stuff, of which I have practically none. It is things like, oh, CANNED GOODS that won't fit in cabinets. Teeny tiny galley kitchen, teeny tiny living room/master suite. I have HAD IT living in such small quarters.

Oh magic genie, gimme a life makeover. I have served my penance from reckless spending, divorce and financial ruin. I earn a good living, I want to live like a grown-up again. I want a kitchen and a bedroom and cabinet space and sunshine. Sunshine first. :)