Monday, August 13, 2012

Pro/Con List

I did a pro/con list about my relationship with G, and I am not terribly surprised to see that most of the pros were hobby related:

- motorcycle
- boat
- crabbing
- fishing (I *did* love this, I tell you!)
- gardening
- cooking

It turns out maybe I'm not in love with the man, maybe I'm in love with his interests, I guess. Interests that I can largely develop on my own, or find someone new to pursue them with.

Damn, I will miss that motorcycle. You have no idea. I should buy my own again. I obviously have some sort of motorcycle lust. But it turns out I like riding on the back more than I like riding it myself. Something about taking the responsibility away and I just get to enjoy the ride!

I ran into him on this street this morning. That's going to happen: I work downtown and he works on a street crew that largely works downtown during my work hours. He waved when he saw me and then came over to meet me when I crossed the street. We spoke for a few minutes. He said he is sorry, he said he misses me and cares about me.

I told him I saw his online profile back up on the dating site. Asshat. Okay, I saw his when I was putting up *mine,* but, sheesh. I said it's clear it's not that he doesn't want to date, it's that he doesn't want to date *me.* He said that wasn't true at all.

I feel like I'm caught in an episode of "He's Just Not That Into You." If I saw me on TV, I would be screaming at me to "RUN AWAY!!!" I'm no dolt, I assure you. I know what I *should* do, I just don't wanna do it.

Plus, I have a million more reasons to break up with him than he does with me. The fact that I have lovingly penned this blog for well over a year but would be embarrassed to tell him about it is high on the list. The fact that my friends and I went river rafting without him (what had been "our" trip) and I had a stinking blast...well, that's a good reason, too. Sure, I would have had fun if he had been along, but it's a different trip. I wouldn't have jumped in the freezing river, for one thing. I probably wouldn't have gotten drunk in the sun while I floated down the river, for another. And I had *fun* while being drunk in the sun on the raft! There is a side to me, an extra dimension or volume, which I always turned off for Greg. I do not turn it off with my friends. :)

Of course, I jumped in the river while I had my iPhone in my running belt around my waist, so maybe it would have been better if Greg were along. I'd still have a phone, wouldn't I? But wouldn't it be nice to have a boyfriend who would JOIN IN that ridiculousness of the day? We would have had fun if he was along, but it would have been a different trip.

Our rafting guide probably would have liked to have him along, haha. We were fairly obnoxious, I think.

Anyway. I put my dating profile back up this weekend, and I did a three-month membership to eHarmony. Bah. Right away I got "questions" (indicating interest) from two men, both 5'4" tall. Sigh. Plus most of my matches are in their mid-50s. I am 42. I do not feel grown up enough to date men in their mid-50's, plus, if G, at 44, was turned off by young kids - how would the parent of college graduate(s) feel about them??

I'm actually emailing with two nice men from the other site. One is a long-term public servant like myself. A bit higher level. Seems like a very nice guy. We will actually have some people in common, I think, just because of the professional circles we're in. Photo-wise, well, he's a middle aged man with very kind eyes. It's so hard to tell.

The other guy would be a good replacement for Cappy, I think. You remember Cappy? He is very funny and we probably have very little in common, but I exchanged several emails with him and enjoyed myself very much. At least, if I do end up meeting him, we have a lot more in common than Cappy and I ever did, and he is a nice, normal looking attractive man (6'3" tall, woohoo!).

Both men are very, very sharp and articulate. Sorry, G, but I have to say they've got you beat there, big time.

We'll see. I wished that when I was talking to G, I would want to spit on him or stomp on his steel-toed boots, but I just wanted him to hold me. :( Jerk.


  1. this totally sucks! Will cross my fingers that someone great comes along!

  2. Aww sweetie, at least you havent lost your sense of humor.

    Writing a pro/con list is exactly something I would do (I made one before I told my ex I wanted a divorce) :)

    What youre going through now is what makes me dread dating again. Right now I only want the fun, but I know I fall fast and if I put my heart into it, I take the risk of it getting broken. I know Im not gonna settle for anything less than I want and deserve though! (I may end up a loney spinster:) )

    Sounds like you know in your heart he is not the right guy for you. Most importantly, your kids are your #1 priority for the foreseeable future and if that's a hard limit for him, then nothing else really matters. Easier said than done, I know.

    So glad you had fun on your girls week-end. Isnt it awesome to no longer have all that fat that held us back from doing fun things???


  3. Well, him putting up his profile after breaking up with you in a text...well, let's just say I can think of a million other names besides Asshat. You are being too kind. Aaargh!