Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Divorce Diet

Well, one good thing will come of being dumped, anyway. Let's see if I can push that weight down below my last two goal weights: one half of me gone (131.5 pounds) and breaking into my 120s (129.9999 counts, haha).

Freakout weight: 149.9
Today's weight: 137.5

I'm participating in the Run with Jess Lose a Half Marathon Challenge - I'm pretty sure my starting weight was 144, so losing 13 pounds would put me at 129: exactly where I want to be. This is week 7 (of 13?). Maybe it will happen! Last week, I was featured (hey, I was the first one listed!) as a Scale Crusher on Jess' page (I linked to the exact post, above) for losing more than five pounds.

Nope, haven't heard from him. Bah. I will, I just don't know when or what we will say. I must tell you that as more time passes, I am wanting to keep him less and less. Like *getting pissed* wanting him less and less.

Here's another thing. I was thinking about this yesterday while I was running the track with my daughter. It wasn't exactly blazing heat, but it was pretty close. The track had a lot of shade, actually. G is a healthy man, whom I am immensely attracted to. ;) However. He lost about 60 pounds since his divorce (a year next month) and he smokes. A lot. When I met him, he said he was going to lose another 25, but maybe having a hot new girlfriend stalled those efforts. His weight has creeped, he says five or so pounds, since we met. I say more like ten, based on what he told me he weighed then and now.

Two things that I have struggled with my whole adult life: weight gain and smoking. As I was trying to run myself stupid at the track last night, trying to clear my head, I wondered. How smart is it for me to be with a man who struggles with the same demons as me? It would be one thing if he were battling the demons, but he will not try to quit smoking. He has quit once in his life for a month and re-started. He is a big, solid man with a big appetite.

Fishing with my son. 
It took me 40+ years to decide I had enough. Enough of the weight fluctuations, enough of the perpetual gaining, enough of throwing in the towel on my health. And I am fighting the battle, hard. And with my WLS, I can't gain back all the weight I've lost, but my freakout weight surely proves that I can screw this up. Regain after weight loss is very common with WLS patients. Now, I would absolutely, truly pick true love if it came with a few extra pounds. :) But that's not the point.

G is not going to be someone who shares my new passion for fitness. He has a physically demanding job, and he's not going to jump at the chance to go for a run with me after work. Mayyybbbbeeee a walk around the neighborhood. But he's a busy guy and he's got lots to do around the house and yard. If I'm with him, my commitment to fitness is going to remain absolutely, wholly my responsibility. No partner spurring me on, challenging me, encouraging me to try new activities with him. He has no interest in things I love and want to return to, like kayaking and snorkeling...things I would love to try, like scuba diving and maybe even some method of propelling myself down a snow-covered mountain. Skiing, maybe. Snowboarding.

When I was an obese smoker trying online dating, it peeved me to no end how many men's profiles said "absolutely no smokers" and "physically fit only." How shallow! Monsters! As a smoker, I thought, jeez, it's not that bad.

As a non-smoker dating a smoker: it's that bad. And I'm still in my honeymoon period of quitting again, so I am more tolerant of it than I might be a few months down the road. I still sometimes catch a whiff of smoke and think, "Yum!" rather than "Ugh!" haha.

Even though G carries some extra weight, I would characterize him as very physically fit. He is strong and healthy. But he will continue to battle his weight, as I will continue to battle mine. The difference being that as of right now, anyway, I have had enough and he has not. How would I feel if he followed my old patterns and regained the weight he lost? And then some? While I'm out running half-marathons? Hmm.

Anyway, these were my thoughts as I was running around that hot track, thinking about a future with G. I have other concerns, too. (Ask me how pissed I am getting about being broke up with by text message - just ask me, haha.) I am in love with that man, and I know that part of my ruminations are self-preservation. Protecting myself for the breakup, if that's where it's going. But whether I decide to leave him behind, or he decides (or has already decided) to leave me: it will be important for me to remember that while there are many, many great reasons to be with him, there are also lots of good reasons to keep looking.


  1. I hink your inner thoughts are your answers.

  2. I know you will land on your feet NO MATTER what happens. Sending you a giant hug!

  3. I'm sorry he broke it off and hurt you but I really think there's someone else out there who is a better fit for you. ((hugs))

  4. Ugh. Sorry you are having a hard time of it right now. Personally, the text msg thing would really not fly with me. I can't fathom that. Such disrespect.

    Anyway, I wish you peace with whatever the outcome is.