Freakout weight: 149.9
Today's weight: 140.5
I post the freakout weight, not because I am freaked out, but because I am putting myself on watch for two things: gaining weight and starting smoking again. I can honestly say I do not feel at risk for either one, but I know me, and I know I need to be vigilant right now.
G. dumped me yesterday. By text. I wasn't even going to blog about it, but it's hanging on every single thought I have since it happened: "oh, we need toilet paper...G dumped me." "I'll have a venti single Earl Grey with a little bit of soy...G dumped me."
I might as well spew it all here and see if it clears my head a little. I'm planning to throw myself into my work as a distraction, too. Blech, it's going to be a long week!
It was unexpected. It may or may not be final. For my part, I am undecided if I want him back. I do love him. I am in love with him. He is very much not perfect, but neither am I. For his part, he has been working around the clock and is under tremendous family pressure right now...he may not have room for me in his life. I think he is feeling cornered.
I don't help the situation. Try as I might, I am insecure and suffocating. It's as if I spent months being so afraid that he'd break up with me, that he ultimately broke up with me. Now, I'm not running around "Are you going to break up with me? Do you love me?" Blah blah blah. But I set an expectation that we spend a lot of time together: pretty much all my kid-free time. I'm not the only one who set that expectation: until his daughter moved in, he wanted to spend every minute with me. Then she really struggled with it, so we dialed back - then he wanted more time with me and we ramped it up again.
I think what happens is that when his life becomes too much pressure, he can't handle having an ever-present girlfriend and it becomes my fault that I'm still bopping along the path of spending all our free time together. And instead of him just saying, "I need to take this weekend and deal with my family, I'll talk to you next week," he gets mad at me for making plans to be with him. So it's a little presumption on my part and a little bad communication on his part.
Since we haven't talked, I don't know if there's more to the story. I know that as we have gotten more serious, he continues to struggle with the fact that I have young kids. I suspect this may ultimately be a deal-breaker for him. He is a planner to the nth degree, and he has a plan for his life, and I honestly do not know if there is room for young kids in it.
I think he loves me - I think he's irritated as hell with me right now. He has been working many hours in fire retardant clothing (special heavy fabric to your wrists and ankles, steel-toed work boots) in 90 degree Seattle weather, and he is exhausted. His sister is leaving her partner and moving in with him, along with her two English bulldogs. He is a neat-freak and does not like dogs. His daughter has a long-haired cat which already drives him insane. He is a very, very unhappy guy right now.
It's like there's a target painted on my forehead. He's looking for jetsam and flotsam in an overwhelming life, and I think her name is Julie.
Oh well. I want him back, or at least today I do. I'm really not sure. I love him. He is not perfect. I am *seething* that he dumped me by text, and whatever got him to the point of dumping me was not something he could talk about. My X did this, too. Maybe I am especially hard to talk to. Maybe I keep pairing up with men who can't talk. Oddly, though, G is actually very good at expressing himself - it is just hard for him and he doesn't like it.
Anyway, I responded to his text by asking if we could wait and talk about it in person. He said yes. I said that I feel like I have been suffocating him and I am backing off. We haven't spoken since, and I'm not contacting him.
There are a lot of reasons for us to break up, but there are better reasons to stay together. Just last week, I texted Kim at 10:41 pm, "Ugh, I don't want to see him anymore. Moody asshole. I am texting you instead of him, on the off chance I feel differently about it tomorrow." He has had a lot of shit going on and he was not pleasant last week. We'll see where this goes, I really don't know if he's interested in pursuing it. I am...but only just. We'll take some time and see if he misses me (I already miss him terribly.) and just go from there.
If not, it's back to the drawing board. But I have to say, I'm really glad I have this new interest in running and fitness to draw on. I am looking forward to a massage for my shoulder and knee this afternoon, following by kicking some ass at the YMCA. Endorphins, here I come!!