Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Pre-Holiday Silliness

From: Julie


To: ALL_EMPLOYEES

Subject: *REWARD* Missing Rubbermaid cart *REWARD*

Hello, all! We are missing a beige double-decker Rubbermaid cart that is clearly labeled in black Sharpie: (department/division/floor) (uh, it was clearly labeled like a week before the re-org, unfortunately…) A photo of a similar cart is attached, although there is no way to represent in film the love and affection we bestowed upon this cart. Truly, it’s like one of our dear coworkers has gone missing! (Although we would probably have launched the manhunt sooner, in that case.)

This cart has untold sentimental value to our project managers, as it is the Motivational Cart, which inspires us all to quickly review heavy plan sets and contract specifications, specifically by using the cart to block access (or occupy a large percentage of square footage of) to cubicles and offices.

Reward offered! Good karma abounds! Please look around your work areas and see if the cart is hiding in a nook or cranny.

No questions asked on how or why you had a cart in your cube for months that is clearly marked as belonging to another work unit…I’m just sayin. ;) I am willing to arrange an anonymous exchange of the cart and the reward in a discreet location so as to protect your cart-hoarding identity!

Call me. Start 2011 knowing that you returned a loved one to its family. We’ll never, ever, ever let anyone borrow it again it out from under our loving gaze.

JULIE
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From: P
 
To: Julie

Subject: RE: *REWARD* Missing Rubbermaid cart *REWARD*

I don’t know where it is, but this is pretty funny and that will prompt me to keep an eye out for it.

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From: D


Sent: Wednesday, December 22, 2010 9:58 AM

To: Julie
Subject: RE: *REWARD* Missing Rubbermaid cart *REWARD*

Hello Julie,

I checked (outlying work area) and did not see your cart.

D
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From: R
To: Julie
Subject: RE: *REWARD* Missing Rubbermaid cart *REWARD*

Is that the same one I saw for sale on Craig’s List??
______________________________


From: Julie
To: P, D, R
Subject: RE: *REWARD* Missing Rubbermaid cart *REWARD*

That’s all I can ask, guys – “someone, somewhere, knows something.” ;)

Have a great day!
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From: B

To: Julie

Subject: RE: *REWARD* Missing Rubbermaid cart *REWARD*

This looks suspiciously like my lovely wife's garden tool cart in our garage…I was wondering what the (department/division/floor) meant!

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From: B


To: Julie
Subject: RE: *REWARD* Missing Rubbermaid cart *REWARD*

*UPDATE* The missing cart has just been spotted northbound on 8th Ave at Madison loaded with groceries and being pushed by an elderly lady with a shawl.
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From: Julie


To: ALL_EMPLOYEES

Subject: **UPDATE**FOUND (sort of)** Missing Rubbermaid cart **FOUND (sort of)**UPDATE**

Friends, a monster walks among us. Or, even worse, a clutch of monsters! A work unit so devious, so sneaky, that they have not only kept a cart from its loving family, they have kept it bound in chains and ropes, and what I believe may be an extension cord?? ARE YOU EVEN FEEDING IT AND GIVING IT WATER?? Look at this picture I received in an unmarked envelope!



**UPDATE (WITHIN AN UPDATE)**

The culprit has called and identified himself. I will protect his “good” name in hopes that he actually delivers the cart, as promised! And get this…he’s blaming a RETIREE, a good wholesome man who worked hard his whole career and is no longer here to defend his honor! Really, do we believe this story?? And (really, really outlying work area you would never suspect), I can promise you, I would have never, ever thought to look there. :)

Hi Julie,

Your cart, which Eric commonly referred to as “the dim sum cart” arrived at (really, really outlying work area) approximately seven months ago. It’s been well-cared for.

There’s a fine line between a ransom and a reward… I could either arrange to have someone meet you down at the docks for the exchange, or I will have it brought downtown to you tomorrow.

-S

(oops, I “forgot” to protect his good name, just like he “forgot” to tell me for seven months that he’s been hoarding my cart!)
 Thanks all! I appreciate the department rallying to find the cart, identify suspect coworkers, and offer empathy, support and candlelight vigils.

As you were…

Julie (I’M BUYING A BIKE LOCK FOR THAT CART THIS WEEKEND)
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From: K
To: Julie

Subject: RE: **UPDATE**FOUND (sort of)** Missing Rubbermaid cart **FOUND (sort of)**UPDATE**

If food, water and shelter was not provided, we could investigate. Our officers are Humane Law Enforcement officers after all.
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From: C
To: Julie

Subject: RE: **UPDATE**FOUND (sort of)** Missing Rubbermaid cart **FOUND (sort of)**UPDATE**

Julie, we enjoyed your comments over here at (a place where lots of calls are received) (of course we also “feel your pain…”). We’d like to encourage you in exploring a sideline career in standup comedy or writing! C
_____________________________________________
From: J


To: Julie

Subject: RE: **UPDATE**FOUND (sort of)** Missing Rubbermaid cart **FOUND (sort of)**UPDATE**

GOOD News!!!

I’ll call off Homeland Security and the FBI!!!
______________________________
From: J
To: Julie

Subject: RE: **UPDATE**FOUND (sort of)** Missing Rubbermaid cart **FOUND (sort of)**UPDATE**

Julie, I haven’t met you yet, but I wanted to tell you that you made my day with this e-mail exchange. The next time I have to write a department-wide e-mail, I’m going to enlist your amazing writing skills!

Thank you,

J

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