Mind Freak

Starting weight: 151.8
Freakout weight: 145
Today's weight: 148.8
Freakout factor: Ugh.

I had a little revelation today, as I was thinking about my seemingly permanent weight gain. I think my body still looks great: if pressed, I'd have to say I've gain this ten pounds in my boobs, which now have a bit of form to them (more on this in a moment), and my butt, of which you could never call me bootylicious (more on this in a moment, too).

Here's the thing: I feel great at this weight, except. Except I feel really ashamed of myself for the rebound weight gain, which I promised myself I wouldn't do. When I had the VSG surgery, my doctor said patients tend to lose 65-85% of their excess weight, then regain about ten pounds. Well, I lost 100% of my extra weight, and, wanting to beat the statistics, said I wouldn't regain any of it.

I have my six-month follow-up with the plastic surgeon next month, and I am due for a re-check with my VSG surgeon, as well. I don't want to go to either, because I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel like I've let them down, and feel like I've let myself down, too.

That's the thing about the weight loss - I think there's some permanent head-fruckery involved. Here I am in better shape than I've ever been in in my adult life. I can run (a relative term, haha) up sixty-two flights of stairs without pause. I'm a bicycling fool. I could crank out a half marathon next week, if I had to. Do you remember when I blogged about running all the way around .25 miles of the middle school track? I was soooo excited about doing that, and it truly was as far as I could run at the time!

I'm in great shape. My muscle definition, although not in itself astounding, astounds me sometimes just because I've never had any. :)  I have nothing to be ashamed of. Heck, some of this has *got* to be muscle weight. But I don't wanna go see those doctors. :(

Today I wore my jelly bean pants and my old lady shoes. You remember Sabrina in my office - she's in charge of my regirlification, and she told me she never wants to see these shoes again, haha.

Frump Shoes are going to Goodwill.

Anyway - that's enough moping! There's good things going on, too. Sabrina and I are on day six  of a 30-day squat challenge. I did seventy-five squats this morning, although she showed me up by doing them while holding a 12-pound weight. Although I have knocked out 200 squats in a day several times, I always end up paying for it. With this challenge, after I complete the day's squats, I am glad to be able to stand up from a chair without crying, haha.

We're going for bootylicious, here.

It looks sunny-ish outside this afternoon after a crappy morning, and that means I'll be going on my Wednesday night ride tonight! I'm so glad - I've been looking forward to it after its brief hiatus. They have it on the calendar every week through the end of May, and I'm planning on attending all. I am aware that I can ride by myself on Wednesdays, too, haha, but it is fun to go on pre-planned group rides.

Oh, as far as the boobs go - I went in for a mammogram last week. Hadn't had one since 2009. The tech was very nice and said that with all this weight loss, my breast tissue will certainly have changed a lot, and to go ahead and expect a call back for a follow up appointment. She made me promise not to worry if I did get called in to have more films done. I promised. So, of course, when they called the other day, I started to worry. I have to go in for more films on Friday and while I'm not terribly worried, I'm slightly worried. Ah well. It's an early morning appointment and the radiologist reads your films immediately, so by the time I leave I'll know what's going on.

Happily, Greg is picking me up from work and making dinner at my place while I'm on the group ride. Me likey. That's all going very well, I'm happy to report.

When was your last mammogram, if you're part of the over-40 crew? Did the experience bother you? Mammograms don't hurt me in the least, even when I was PMS'ing at the time of last week's appointment.