Today will be my first round-trip bike commute into work. I was going to throw the bike on the bus this morning and ride home, or ride to my Wednesday night ride meetup spot. It was so nice this morning, though, and I had time, so I just thought, what the heck, let's do this thing.
Riding in, I told myself I wasn't going to think about time or speed, just enjoy the ride and be happy that I'm doing it at all. So, wouldn't you know it, when I got to work and checked my Strava GPS app, who got NINE PERSONAL RECORDS for segments along the ride?
It's impressive to me that I'm getting so much better at cycling, I'm just naturally getting faster and stronger as I go along. I have a bike computer on my bike, and it is interesting to see my speeds on the flats hovering around 17-19 mph. Sucks, though, that I am still slow enough on the hills that I lag behind my Wednesday night group on the hills. Although I did notice last week that there was only one other woman I was lagging behind, which made me feel better. I think it's more difficult to ride with men, in general. They are often times just a lot faster.
I may have to skip my group ride tonight. :( I am having a conscience-crisis. Their dad forgot some other appointment and asked me to keep the kids this evening. When this sort of thing happens, I try to oblige, because I know he does the same for me when I need it. Anyway, I reluctantly said yes to keeping the kids until about 8 p.m. Problem is that I would be getting home from my group ride at about 8 p.m. That leaves the kids at home alone, fending for themselves for dinner. I hate thinking of them being lonely, plus if they're all three together it means F-I-G-H-T-I-N-G.
Sigh. I'll probably skip it. That's why I rode my bike in to work, so if I do skip, I'll still have gotten a couple solid workouts in today. (My ride is just less than 12 miles and takes me 50+ minutes to complete.) If I can get my butt bike commuting, this takes a HUGE pressure off me to fit in workouts during the week. I'm happy with 24 miles on the bike a few times a week. Wouldn't you be? Then I can do weekend rides for leisure and entertainment, not because I feel like a sloth.
Well. I am also on Day 13 of the Squat Challenge, which means I have to do 130 squats today, which I gotta say, I am really dreading. :) They are exhausting. I am glad to be doing them with Sabrina and her friend, because it is helping with accountability.
Everything is going so well on the man front. I am greatly enjoying being back with Greg, and he with me. The nice thing about him is that he is rather genuine and direct, like me, and so I feel like I can have a pretty high degree of trust in "the new Greg." Who is just like the old Greg but is totally into me and we both know it, haha. Things are moving quickly, but in a way that I am comfortable with.
This weekend, we were at the store and he bought his fishing license. Last year I bought mine with him (for almost a hundred bucks, yikes). He looked at me questioningly at the store and I said, "No way - I don't have that kind of money right now." And wouldn't you know it? He bought mine for me. Then he asked me to drive his new muscle car...I told him between the fishing license and driving his car, it was as good as a diamond ring. He laughed and said that was on the horizon.
Today he told me his friend texted about carpooling but he said he was staying at my place. The friend texted back a picture of a Zales storefront and said maybe they should go there at lunch. I thought this was funny (intriguing?) but more so that he showed it to me, haha.
Well, we're not moving that fast but things are moving quickly and we've been fairly inseparable. I am including him in my life with the kids because I need him to be immersed in it to see how well that will fit on both sides. My boys have always been crazy about him (Reid calls him "Greggy," as he called Mr. Wonderful "Matty-Matt-Matt." Reid loves everyone.) and my daughter also likes him, although mostly my daughter just likes me and would love to keep me all to herself. But just as I won't get rid of her brothers to accommodate her wishes, I am trying to see how we all fit together.
We'll see. It all feels really good right now. I hope I'm not re-reading this post in a year wondering WTF I was thinking. In case I am, I'll just tell Future FreeJulie now, "Hey girl, you gave it a try. No regrets! You were just doing the best you could." And I'll give myself a consoling little pat on the shoulder. (Hopefully I won't need to be re-reading this with a WTF mindset, haha.)
I told my mom today that I am seeing Greg again. Yikes - and then I washed my ears out with soap to get out all the nastiness she threw at me. EEK! My mom said she and my dad knew I'd be getting back with him when I said that he had contacted me again, and then later that I had broken it off with Matt. So I let her give me an earful. And at one point I was going to say that I need to be careful about my body issues because, as with Lance Armstrong, I bring my own brand of insecurity and crazy to the table when it comes to my body and weight loss. Remember when I was *destroyed* about my perception of Lance Armstrong's take on my body? (I'll see if I can find the link.) And when LA and I talked about it later he was like, WTF are you talking about? That was a case of my rampant insecurity blowing up in my face. When I got back with Greg I decided to forgive him and forgive myself and give us both a clean slate. I told Greg that the only thing he is allowed to say about my body is, "Damn, girl, you are HOT!" and that's pretty much what he says every day, haha.
Anyway, I started to tell my mom this and I said, "I need to be careful..."
"To not gain weight and piss him off?" she interrupted.
Yikes. Mama Bear has her hackles WAY WAY UP when it comes to Greg.
Well, we talked. And they'll be fine, they are just protecting me because I am their 43-year-old baby. I gave her these points that I have thought about as I defend/justify/break it to friends and family that I am *that woman* who went back to the bad boyfriend:
- I am not stupid. I know what he did to me and it will not happen again without me ending it.
- I bring my own craziness and insecurity - a lot - to the equation w/ regard to my body and weight issues. For as much as we have talked about it, Greg fails to fully understand how badly he hurt me w/ regard to my body and I have to accept that part of this is his personality, a certain degree of obtuseness/insensitivity, and also, how I viewed everything through my own damaged filter. I decided to forgive us both and give us both a clean slate.
- If it works out with Greg, great, if it does not, I will know I tried.
- I have dated *a lot* of men since my divorce. I do not feel like I am rushing a decision to be with "someone." I also feel like I have developed a pretty clear idea of what I want.
- Of all these men I have dated, I have never felt such a strong connection and desire to be with anyone, and I felt it from the night I met him. Remember when he brushed the hair out of my eyes at the car? I see him and I get butterflies.
- I know from dating the rich Navy guy and Matt that I will not settle, even if it all looks great on paper and they are wonderful men. My heart simply will not let me settle. Believe me, with Matt, I tried to talk myself into it. Hard.
- Greg is unable to fake it and he doesn't lie. So it makes all the things he says now easier to believe, he's not going to put on airs to impress me. He's a thoughtful guy and he has said, and continues to say, everything I need to hear.
- I have a confidence in myself that I did not have last time around. He's a strong personality - I didn't want to lose him and I stifled myself to be who I thought he wanted me to be. I don't give a shit anymore We're looking at a lifetime together and I would get exhausted pretending to be something I'm not.
Well, that was such a fun conversation, as you can imagine. :| I told her to let me do this, I am a big girl. I told her I expect them to be nice to him. She said she and my dad know he is a good man and a hard worker and good for me in many ways. She said she thinks he will always say what he is thinking and not give a shit if it hurts anyone's feelings. I pointed out that this is one of my own weaknesses and maybe it was no coincidence that I would be attracted to someone who shares my directness. I don't like hearing "what I want to hear" and with Matt, for example, this was a huge problem for me. I steamrolled X and I am sure I would have to Matt, too, so it's no surprise to me that I would be so attracted to Greg, who will not be steamrolled.
I think I'm doing the right thing. Famous last words, maybe, but it feels good and right and we'll just roll with it for now. I decided I would regret more not trying than I would trying!
Hey - who asked about the "move out of stuff" with Mr. W? Oh boy, that was awful. I bawled, which did neither Mr. W nor me any good because it further fed his hopes that we would get back together. He is such a good, good man. He as much said that he wants to just give me time and then try again. I told him repeatedly that something is not right between us - we are missing something. He disagreed. Well, he took most of his stuff I had boxed up, leaving me with a bike pump ("you need one, and you need to learn how to use it"), the lemon squeezer (he already had one), the daylight simulator floor lamp (for your "SAD"), and probably a couple other things. The treadmill, which he said he has no use for and didn't want to transport. Alli doesn't like it, so right now it's just stuck in the garage.
Anyway, it was awful and he really had the impression he just wanted to give me time and I felt badly about that but it would have taken being mean to him to clarify that and I couldn't do it. I did not tell him about Greg but I almost did a couple times in the days that followed when he texted and said he bought a second tennis racket and did I want to go hit some balls with him. Another couple similar texts. Finally I said I just need space between us and I haven't heard from him since.
Yuck. It was awful. I felt badly and I felt guilty. And a little guilty for feeling so happy right now, but I'm just going to relax and enjoy myself. If it ends badly, I might as well have had fun while it lasted, haha. I do not think it will end badly, though. :) I'll keep ya posted.