Oh look, we're back to weight loss surgery issues on my weight loss surgery blog! Don't worry, though, I'll manage to work that new man o' mine into the story, somehow, though! ;)
I'm not complaining, but I was thinking the other day how many friends I've "lost" from the weight loss surgery. Not in a direct way: I know of others who have actually lost friendships due to the weight loss. No, for me, I've just lost a lot of camaraderie in my building. I've worked here for twenty plus years, you know. And I've really noticed how many people no longer recognize me. On any given day, I'm passing people that I used to work with, and I'm giving a chipper hello or a little wave, or whatever. Usually, it goes unrecognized: like if I'm passing someone on the stairs or at the elevator.
I'm not complaining. But it does kind of make you feel silly. :) I have just so completely changed not only my size, but the way I dress, the way I wear my hair, and in general my overall appearance. I'm not tripping people's radars as someone they know. It's kind of surreal. And it is a little embarrassing when you call out, "Hi so and so," and they don't even hear you. Or, they'll acknowledge you, but it's pretty clear they don't know who you are. Plus, I've even changed my name (taking my maiden name back after the divorce). So I've had a couple instances of really just not being able to jog people's memories that I ever existed in their lives. Sort of odd. Obviously, these aren't close friends, haha. But I have noticed it's made me less likely to say hello in passing around the building. I've noticed it at school events, too, where I've never been much of a player. So I just assume people don't know who I am - I've had several people tell me they didn't even recognize me.
Isn't that funny? It's funny, too, in that *I* am still the same person, and everyone still looks the same to me. So you sort of forget that you've changed a lot. Along those same lines, I have noticed that I am noticing more when people around me gain weight. It's a little surreal to wonder how people noticed and thought about me going from a 19-year-old hottie in my mini-skirts at work to a 263 pound Jabba the Hut, which is, sadly, how I felt about myself.
Okay, along those lines, it's time to talk about the boyfriend again. And yes, I am sort of optimistically/cautiously thinking of him as my boyfriend.
Ugh, I suppose it's time to spill the beans to Greg with all the gnarly details of my surgery and weight loss. Yuck. I don't wanna. But he's been interested, and while I have told him I've had weight loss surgery and lost a considerable amount of weight, he has been gentlemanly and not pressed for details. I am not too interested in planting a mental image in his head of me at 117 pounds heavier. But I have to be careful, because the driving factor behind his divorce, which he initiated, was dishonesty and deceit. So this is a real hot button for him. And wouldn't it be ironic, me, the MOST OPEN PERSON IN THE WORLD, to lose a man who valued openness ABOVE ALL ELSE, because he thought I was keeping too much from him? Very ironic, I'd say.
It's about this godawful loose skin. We all know I'm a hottie-patottie with my clothes on, haha, but I have considered making people who see me naked sign a release of liability. It is fearsome. I know I've more than alluded to it here, hahaha. My boobs, my belly, my upper arms, my thighs (yes, even those have been added to my complaint list). Not pretty. So Greg this weekend, apropos of nothing, really, asked if he could ask me a question without me getting hurt or embarrassed. Oh boy, you know you always love those types of questions. I was a nervous wreck about him being around the kids, though, so I figured he was going to ask me to choose between them or turn over custody to X or something, haha.
Nope. The skin, which has taken on a life of its own. Did I get all this loose skin from losing weight too quickly? he wanted to know. See, part of me questions the need to even discuss it. It is here. But part of me wants him to befriend it and become comfortable with it, like my fourth ugly, annoying, ever-present child. The one no parenting plan or custody agreement will address. Embrace the loose skin.
Naw, I think he asks because he wants details. He wants to open his mind to the horror that is the mental image of me at 117 pounds heavier. And I suppose he's an adult and can take it. I think if I don't just come clean, tell him how much I've lost and show him a picture....well, he's going to start feel like I'm withholding information. Ugh. And again, knowing how sensitive he is to that...well, I suppose I'll just put all my cards on the table.
I asked him if the loose skin bothers him. "Um, yeah, a little," he said. Well, points for honesty. :) It bothers the hell out of me, too. As someone who is so honest, I find it very cool that he is honest and open and can talk about what he's thinking. But still, HEY, OUCH!! Part of me just thinks, *sniff* well, what am I supposed to do about it? :( I've already told him that I plan to have a tummy tuck and a boob job. He was sweet and talked about how working out and weightlifting can help a lot to tone everything up.
I think he just wants to align his image of my hot sexy self dancing around clothed for him with the saggy wrinkled self in bed with him. I try not to let my loose skin put a damper on my confidence or sex appeal, but, you know. He's a new guy, it's a real weak spot of mine, blah blah blah. I am using this as an opportunity to spur myself onward to tone up as best I can, so when I do have plastic surgery, I will know that I've given myself the best possible shot at great results.