Tuesday, July 12, 2011

When I am a Waif-Like Skinny Bitch

who struggles to keep my weight over 110 pounds...who must eat rich, high caloric foods in order to keep my weight from dropping too low...

I am going to drink half and half in my tea all day. Right now, I drink, oh, five bazillion cups of Earl Gray tea a day, with two or three ounces of whole milk. When SBUX is out of whole milk on the drink station, I "force myself" to use half and half. And it is the most decadent treat ever. The rule is that I can't use half and half unless the whole milk carafe is empty - you can imagine how HAPPY I am when I stumble on an empty carafe! Unfortunately, it hardly ever happens: my SBUX staff is much too efficient. It happened this morning. I am a happy camper!

Also, when I am a Waif-Like Skinny Bitch (WLSB), I will drink wine freely and without guilt. Alas, my little banana-tummy can only hold so much food, so I must indulge in the empty calories. What else can I do?

My aunt (and her husband) and grandma are coming up from Missouri/Georgia next month. They are wispy little bird women. I took after my mother's side of the family, none of whom are wispy or bird-like. I am glad that I will not feel like such a gelatinous blob around them this time. Ack, when I look at pictures from their last visit several years ago...well, they are uncomfortable photos to look at. I do not know my dad's family well at all, but I like them. My aunt's husband is HILARIOUS - I just fell for him right away when I met him. He and my aunt are very successful small business owners. He is also a dyed-in-the-wool Republican. I find this amusing in small doses. ;)

I had a reality check this morning. Oh, two actually. The first (and easiest) one: uh, I could stand to dress a little nicer. Now that I am slumming it with the regular folk on the bus every day, I realized that I am quite possibly the most casually dressed on the bus. Me: jeans, t-shirt, Keen tennies. Others: business casual. Perhaps they are the ones slumming it with me! Ok. Well, I am just a very casual person, anyway, but I suppose it really is time to take it up a notch. I'm 45-57 pounds off my goal (my first goal is 140 pounds, but my true goal is to be in my 120s: 128, specifically. However, I have absolutely no frame of reference for this weight range, so it's hard to pick a real goal. It is important to me to get to 140 and a normal BMI, then I will figure out what a good permanent weight is, e.g. the weight that I must force myself to drink wine and tea with half and half to maintain.

Anyway, 45 pounds seems rather doable, yes? Not even as a long-term goal, but as a "let's knock out this last 45 pounds!" goal. I am not quite sure what to do about clothing in the meantime, because it was a bit exciting exasperating to have bought a top for Nancy's birthday dinner that was too big to wear the next time I tried it on. I will continue to mull over the nicer wardrobe. Really, you just feel better with a little bit of glam on. Case in point: two people have told me today how nice my make-up is. Uh, I just put on some mascara. See, my fans are just craving a little bit more glitz from me, if mascara is a compliment-worthy occasion. ;)

I could try a little harder, in other words. :)

Second revelation (you forgot there was one coming, didn't you?). Now that long-since closed doors are re-opening for me, it's time to shove them open and celebrate. Specifically - my weight has long, long been a (self-)limiting factor for me. Oh, I can't do that, I'm too fat. Excuses range from "not being able to fit" to "exceeding weight limits" to "looking ridiculous."

Well, at 185 pounds, I was thinking, I probably don't need to worry about weight limits and fitting into things anymore. It may not always be a comfortable fit, but I would probably fit most places just fine. And I don't think I really exceed any weight limits anymore, either. And I may look ridiculous doing some things, but I am just tough enough not to care.

Specifically, I was thinking of a few things. Today's groupon or dailydeal or whatever is paddle boat lessons. This looks very fun to me. But I would not have done it because I was too big. I love the water, swim like a fish, love to kayak, etc, but nope, even in today's in-box, I ruled that out automatically, even though I found it appealing.

Hrm. It's time to stop thinking like a fat chick with self-loathing issues. It's time to stop selling myself short. There is no reason, except my poor beleaugured checking account balance, that I can't take paddle boat lessons. Also, Kim over at 23imaginaryfriends.blogspot.com did a "Dirty Dash" last weekend. I have two boys whose eyes would go bigger than moon pies to do something like this. So I automatically thought about taking them to it, but never did I think about *doing* it with them. Until I did. Hey, I would have a blast doing that, too. It's time for me to get off the sidelines. Again, money plays a limiting factor, because for the family, this would be a pricey adventure. I am actually thinking of driving all the way to Spokane in August to let the boys do the "Piglet Plunge" for 12 and under, which is only $5/person.

Anyway. I may not be a Waif-Like Skinny Bitch, yet, but I think it's time to work on adopting her mindset, and letting go of the sad, sitting on the sidelines, mindset of the woman who stopped trying a long, long time ago.


  1. WLSB--I love that! I'll be stealing it, just so you know.

  2. i hope you will get fast result for your plan

  3. You will be a WLSB when you drop that last 45. You look tiny compared to your before photo already.

    All the way to Spokane, huh? Honestly, your boys would love the mud and yuck at the Dirty Dash. What a nice mom you are to consider taking them.