Monday, July 25, 2011

Confession, Monday Miscellany and Gratitude

Confession: I have been laughing for a week about Jen's comment on my bomb suit post that the bomb suit made my legs look skinny! If only I could wear a bomb suit around to emphasize my skinny legs! Seriously, every time I pull up my blog, or think of that post, or that day with the police department, I am laughing about my figure-flattering bomb suit. Thanks Jen!

Other miscellany in my head right now:

- I am so over food. It is a pain to figure out what I'm going to eat every day. I need to do a better job with this, because if I don't have a plan in mind, I run amuck. What's that saying? "Failure to plan is a plan to fail." My eating is not bad, but it is unstructured. I should start using again because sometimes I actually wonder if I'm starving myself to death! Other times I wonder if I have found a way to completely circumvent the sleeve and take in 10K calories a day.

- Along those lines, I have to say one of the most striking things about eating/eating issues/binging tendencies etc with the sleeve is that the *amount* of food changes, but the feelings don't. Yesterday I had two falafels from Costco (I don't actually recommend them - they were very dry, even with my pseduo-tsaziki sauce I made with greek yogurt and a little sour cream.). Two falafels: way too much food for my stomach (they look like they're made in mini-muffin pans). Also, since surgery, my sleeve gets very irritable with certain dairy foods, so when I tried to eat the yummy greek yogurt/sour cream concoction, my stomach immediately started rumbling unhappily.

But I was *gonna* eat those falafels and dip, and I did. That's the bingey eater in me. And so I laid there with my overly full, unhappy stomach, feeling every bit as badly as I used to when I put away a ton of food, pre-op. The feelings are the same. The behavior is the same. Only my sleeve restriction stops me from doing what I used to do. Thank goodness for that! But I need to find a way to *mentally* control this, rather than *be* controlled.

Edited to add - I have been rather mopey lately and decided what I really need to is count my blessings. I have so much to be thankful for! I have to be careful of these mopey moods, as I can really get sucked into them. And so, in no particular order, I am grateful for:

- 80 pounds lost! Woohoo! I truly feel so much more alive and healthy and bright and optimistic than when I was luggging around 263 pounds on a 5'3" frame.

- My kiddos. Oh my, they can wear me out, but they are an awesome little crew and they are just really *good* kids (or as I say, at any given time, at least one of them is being a really good kid). I can't believe how much older and more mature my oldest two have gotten just this year - they are 10 and 12 and their maturity just astounds me sometimes. My littlest? :) He favors life with great vim and vigor and passion and enthusiasm over maturity. Just having him around makes you smile - whether or not you're also gnashing your teeth!

- My ex. I don't always have a lot of great things to say about him, but whenever I hear divorce/custody horror stories, I am grateful for him. He shares time with the kids, he loves them and parents responsibly and with care, and we parent well together. I say that divorce with kids sucks, but as far as things go, we've got it about as good as I could hope.

- My parents. From loaning me money to delivering tents to camp out in the yard with no notice (ex seems to have lost my tent that he used last summer - I did not realize this until I had already promised the kids we could backyard camp on Saturday), my mom and dad have pushed, carried and dragged me through single parenting and any other life event going on.

- My friends! Honestly, I am a bit of a PITA, and I frequently wonder how I have been so lucky to make and maintain such wonderful friendships over my life. I have a small, "core group" of friends and I just love them all to death. Cannot imagine life without them.

- My babysitter. I will frequently get grumpy about the lack of activity the kids and babysitter engage in while I'm at work, but truth be told, I am just very lucky with our babysitter. She loves the kids, she is super reliable and always there when I need her. She's a sweet kid who is now living with us and she makes getting to work so much easier. She's been with us for over a year now, and quickly became part of the family.

- My job. I'm just saying that to be nice right now. :) Seriously, I am very grateful for my job and it's good pay and excellent benefits. I do not always love it, but I am always glad to have it.

- My car. What a nice reliable little Saturn I have! I was thinking this weekend about how car payments used to just be par for the course for me and now it seems inconceivable. I'm glad to have a cute little car that runs really well.

- Self-improvement. I am glad to be working so hard on my physical and mental health this year. I am really working a lot on the mental side of what led me to be obese, because I want to reign in my struggles with weight and food issues as much as possible for the long haul. It's funny, and true, that WLS is not magic wand. I still struggle with the same behaviors and obstacles that I did pre-op. It is also true that losing weight does not make you happy (but it doesn't hurt, either!!). I confess that I heard this a lot before surgery and pooh-pooh'd it - knowing that if I just lost weight it would be a magic fix for my life. Of course it is not! I still feel very fat some days, still get lonely, still worry about how my life will unfold, etc. I am *delighted* for my success with WLS, but am accepting that it is not the fix-all I secretly hoped it would be.

- Sunny days! As I sit here listening to the thunderstorm raging outside, dreading walking to the drugstore in the monsoon raging outside, well, I am glad for the glorious weekend we just had. Ugh, Seattle. I love you, and hate you.

There is more, but that's a good solid list for right now. I will just also say that I am grateful for SBUX free tea refills all day, as I certainly get my money's worth while I'm at work. :)


  1. LMAO - what you don't want to carry a bomb suit around to make you look thin! Women do all sorts of crazy things - you could be like...what are you looking at mmy legs look awesome when I wear this suit.

    As fo the eating - it is totally mental. I have eaten until I was full, then as soon as the full feeling was gone a little started eating again! For no apparent reason! For me I try to distract myself. Some days I just feel so focused on food. Like last night I wasn't hungry but I didn't have dinner so I made myself eat...why I don't know.

  2. Julie, I posted something similar just now about the lack of planning. I resent having to track, which I know is stupid, and yet it's the way I feel.

    From your list, it sound like you have lots going for you, so hopefully you will focus on that when you start to feel bummed out. Turn that frown upside down! ;)