I do believe, if nothing else, that Weigh-In Wednesday has done a lot to get my weight in check (argh, and even that's all relative), although I'm clearly not losing. Things had gotten ugly with the scale and my scale avoidance, and my I've ruined it all now, I might as well eat whatever I want philosophy. Nice to know that even after all the weight gain, surgeries and weight loss, I'm still my same old food-ufcked twisted self underneath it all. Insert deeeeeep self-pitying sigh.
|I'm so over it.|
Now, at least, I'm hoisting my ass onto that scale every Wednesday without letting myself off the hook. I started back up with myfitnesspal.com and yesterday's eating was 1248 calories. This is actually a lot, considering I had only protein shakes during the day! But what I hate?? HATE??? My Fitness Pal says "if you ate like this every day, in five weeks you would weigh 163 pounds."
I simply do not need many calories to operate this machine. I hate that the reality is that 1200 calories don't go very far, and if I eat that, or certainly any more than that, I gain weight.
Can you tell how cranky I am about this this morning? Haha. Yesterday I had three Muscle Milk Light protein shakes from Costco (which are lactose free and thus did not give me the nausea, gas and bloating that the Costco Premier Brand shakes had started doing to me so badly). Dinner was not a wise selection, as when I learned that Greg was working surprise OT until midnight, we switched from the planned grilled salmon and broccoli to canned chili over Fritos with lettuce and melted cheese. Haha! Hello, children, Mommy's home! Did you have doubts that Greg is not the lynch pin to all this wonderful eating and delicious meals? Nope, when he's gone, the old mommy resurfaces! ;)
Well, in my defense, there was a reason. We had the salmon all defrosted and a yummy meal planned, and G was looking forward to it, too. And yesterday, running for the bus, which I very nearly missed AGAIN, I hurt something in my back, or hip, or thigh, or something. I did this last week, too, but yesterday my body SCREAMED out in protest. Really super painful. My objectives last night upon arriving home were to take a hot epsom salt bath and find the right combination of drugs and alcohol to make my body stop killing me. ;)
Frito taco salad was a perfect meal to direct my 12yo budding chef to prepare without assistance, in other words. :)
I need to go see a physical therapist about whatever is going on. I fear that the 30-day ab challenge situps have done horrifying things to my lower back and spinal fusion. This is an awful nerve pain, I have something way tweaked and I'm a little scared. :( When I had that spinal fusion, they said it's an excellent 10-year remedy to all the pain, and December 2014 is ten years. :'( I truly believe that this is just aggravated from the sit-ups, which I will surely not be doing any more of. I have been largely pain-free for so long, I am not toooooo worried about returning to the old pre-fusion days of back pain so bad I didn't care if I lived or died. But I am a teensy bit scared.
Anyway. This is day two of protein shakes during the day (which are vile, but better than the Premier brand for me). I am delighted to have found something that I can use to kick-start myself, as I think I need a mental reset with regard to eating, eating, eating...always seem to be eating these days. Yesterday, I thought I would starve. to. death but today I am feeling good about taking control.
Onward and upward. Err, downward. You know what I mean. :)