Thursday, January 23, 2014

Weigh-In Wednesday: In Which I Admit Everything I Do is Wrong

I would prefer that this be a "Wordless Wednesday" post.

That says 168.3.
I couldn't get the light right and felt it was self-torture to keep trying.

But, here I am, ready to blather and make excuses. I am stress eating, I think. I feel so frigging *hungry* all the time! This cannot be true. I am battling old demons. The stress of the move, maybe, the stress of...I don't know. I know I have a lot going on, but I don't feel like anything is particularly challenging or out of control right now. I do know that I feel edgy, edgy, edgy. It is so CLAUSTROPHOBIC living out of boxes, living around boxes, thinking about packing constantly, etc.

I'm a totally claustrophobic person, anyway, and I've been feeling it lately. I have a new coworker who is very chatty in the morning and I feel like she is laying in wait for me at our little pod when I come in in the morning. I have noticed I am typically in a bad mood before I get to my desk each day, haha, which is highly unusual for me. I do not like to speak in the morning. :) Call me a bad employee, I don't give a isht. I need time to warm up.

We are up to our eyebrows in boxes at home, in a house that was already cramped and cluttered with too much stuff. I can barely breathe when I'm home...I cannot wait to get moved in to the new place. Soooon. Saturday AM bright and early, we are outta here!

I'm sorry, it's a terrible divorced mom thing to say, but sometimes I miss our days of 50/50 custody. Lots of times I feel like the old woman who lived in a shoe, with so many children she didn't know what to do. Having the kids home most of the time feels good and right, but there are times when I think about how I would cry out of loneliness when the kids were gone and I was home alone in that big, empty house.

A side note: as a formerly single woman with children, I *hated* to be told by friends that "Oh, what I wouldn't do for some time alone!" etc. I would never wittingly say this to a lonely single person. But as a not-single mother of three, I have to say, sometimes I would kill for some time alone. :) I just wouldn't tell any lonely single person that, as I know how awful it can feel. But still. I am having to draw on distant memories to relish those days of what am I going to do, I am soooooooo alone.

Now I always know what I'm going to do, I am going to be surrounded by lots of people in a crowded, box-laden home. 

Saturday. Soon. We will be ready. But in the meantime, I eat. I'm eating well, lots of veggies and hard-boiled eggs and chicken breast, etc. But the Seahawks playoff game was a root beer float, Doritos, baked beans, potato salad and hot dog. A Klondike bar. Insatiable appetite these days.

I am a little person. I don't even have to eat much food to gain weight, it simply does not take a lot of fuel to run my engine. It is not fair. It is what it is.

I think I need to get back to blogging. I am forcing myself on that ufcking scale every week, but I am starting to avoid the blog for it's hatefulness of putting up my scale picture. I'm not running, I'm not cycling, I'm not losing weight, ugh, I feel like I am without a theme. Adrift.

But I was thinking about it this morning: first and foremost, this blog was about my gastric sleeve surgery. I am putting my head in the sand by not acknowledging that the challenges I face are part of that life-changing surgery. It wasn't a magic wand. It wasn't a quick fix or a cheat. I lost my weight and I still have to put in the work to be where I want to be. And I'm not.

I'm more than the weight loss surgery, but all these struggles are part of the experience. I wonder if I let myself feel like it's part of the journey and not my failure, if my mindset will change. As usual, this is just a very, very rough time of the year for me, and as usual, I wonder if moving away from Seattle to a sunnier climate would improve things.

Well, I am thinking, thinking, thinking. I think the new place will do marvelous things for the whole family. Space. Amenities. Comfort. Getting our belongings out of these friggin' boxes.


  1. Oh Julie. My dear Julie! I feel your pain (well the regain battle...sigh) on the other front I don't know what to tell you, we haven't moved in almost 15 years. LOL. I *hate* moving with a passion. So I just know that it sucks and YOU WILL get through this move, and as for the've stopped it for now. You've pulled your head out of the sand and you know your demons. Knowing doesn't always make it easier but it is *part* of the battle! Hang in there!

    1. It's soooooo hard! :) I am deeply frustrated with my eating, my weight and the stupid scale! Argh!

      I have always liked moving in the past, but upon recent reflection, I've decided that I was insane. Now I have appropriate feelings of hatred toward the move, hahaha.

  2. Hang in there, it's almost over! Especially since it's Thursday, not Wednesday!! :) :)

    1. Hahaha, Sarah, I actually did remember to weigh in yesterday, but belatedly! Then the weigh in sucked. I wasn't even going to post it, but I talked to Kim on the phone last night and she asked if I was going to weigh "tomorrow." So then I thought I'd just weigh on Thursday this week and chalk it all up to screwed up dates, but the number on the scale this morning was no better so I just thought SCREW IT, let's just do this and get it over with. :)

      I'm off work tomorrow, finalizing the move and hopefully gaining some mental peace, haha.

  3. This is my fault? Haha! I lost a day in Arizona. That's what happens when you run soooooo fast.
    Hang in there, get moved....then time to get on a better routine all the way around.

  4. oh wow -- e-hugs, you need it! Motherhood is a thankless job where you want to be with your babies all the time because you know how fleeting time is AND you crave those moments when you can reconnect with yourself! And especially when you were away from them for a period of time and now thankful they're with you more often it's hard to admit to wanting some of that time for yourself...ugh. Just do what you can to take care of yourself during this time of stress and hopefully when you're in your new home and things are settled you can get back on track :D