Friday, March 29, 2013

Making Progress

Starting weight: 151.8
Freakout weight: 145
Today's weight: 147.7
Freakout factor: Optimistic, but concerned about upcoming weekend eating

Today, I'm ten pounds off the weight that makes me most happy. I can get back there again, I'm sure. I definitely feel better than I did at 151.8, so I'm making progress. I do wonder about muscle weight gain and if I'll *EVER* make my real, ultimate weight loss goal, which is to bust into my 120s. Or at least get below 131.5, so I can cross another item off the list to the right. We'll see. Right now I just want to get my butt back below 140, and FAST!

I had a great time with Greg last night. Boy, am I ever stuck in a tough situation. I should say, before I start ruminating all over the place (which can be so messy!): my heart just screams GO FOR IT with Greg. I have not, and will not, have the same sparky-zappy, happy, can I just sit in your lap while we talk? connection with Mr. W that I have always had with Greg. There is more to finding a partner than that, of course, but what I really, really struggle with is that with Mr. W, I have everything *but* that. And I don't think that is enough for me. Sadly, I actually used the analogy recently that if this were an arranged marriage with Mr. W, I would have hit the jackpot. On paper, he is everything I could possible want, and I would grow to love him more and more over the years. Is that enough?

I would not at all presume to say Greg has changed. The best way to describe it, I would say, is that he has been thinking. I am hesitant to post a lot about what he has said - feeling both that I sort of owe it to you guys reading since goodness knows I gave you all the information about our past. And also recognizing that this is purely his process, and he's extremely private.

Anyway. I would have serious misgivings about promises to change, or if he were showing radical departures from past attitudes or behaviors, etc. Fortunately, I'm not getting any of that, haha.

What I am getting is apologies. Plausible explanations for where he was at a year ago. Lots of things I already knew, like it was too soon for him to be dating, especially given all the turmoil with his daughter, etc. What has changed, both in his circumstances and in his attitudes and reflections. Priorities and values. What I mean to him and how he arrived at those conclusions.

Here's what I like. I decided, if I were going to start talking to him again, that this time, I am me and no one else. After we split, I decided I was going to be true to myself no matter what. I don't need a man, and getting one under false pretenses doesn't do me or him any good. So since we have been talking, I've been saying what I want to say. And I gotta tell you - I feel more relaxed around him than I ever did. That feels nice. :)

Well, I am still thinking and I'm not doing anything in a hurry. Thank goodness my children are home the next two weekends and I can use this as an opportunity to hold all men at arm's length.

I feel like a pro/con chart for both men is in order. (Not for the blog, haha.)

Something I did decide: I'm going to church alone tonight. Haha, I'll give you time to let your head snap back from the whiplash on that one! I love the Good Friday tenebrae service, where the church windows are covered in black and the room gets darker and darker throughout the service until you're in total darkness. I thought about inviting Mr. W, whom I haven't seen all week and I know it is driving him nuts. I thought about inviting Greg, who is really wanting to spend more time with me.

Then I thought, "I could probably really use some time sitting quietly by myself in prayer or contemplation." Hahaha. Yes, I could really use that, I think. I invited my daughter, Alli, or gave her the option of staying home and watching her brother(s). Without hesitation, she chose babysitting. Their dad has been making them go to a church they hate, and as I pointed out to him, all he's really doing is making them religion-averse.

I am not particularly religious, but there are some times that I really enjoy or feel a strong desire to go to church. Good Friday is usually one of them. I am looking forward to the service. When I invited Alli this morning, we did have a good conversation and laugh about one of the mysteries that I have always pondered, how the crucifixion became "Good" Friday. Seems like a very bad day to me, too. She said the church had a keen sense of irony. I love that kid.


  1. I think some quiet reflection time tonight will do you good.

    Poor Mr. W, a week off from you and he's probably about to slit his wrists. The writing is on the wall.

  2. I think church sounds like an EXCELLENT place to sit quietly and listen to your heart. I know you said you are not overly religious but sometimes it's comforting to give it all to Him and let Him decide what and what not to bring into your life.