Friday, May 18, 2012

Oooo, You Are Just Within Reach, Goal Baby!

Wahooo! Two more pounds to my first goal. I am thinking of going to a sweat lodge this afternoon, haha. You know I'll be watching what I eat like a super-nutrition-cop! I. WANT. THIS.

I say "first goal" because that's exactly what it is. 140 gets me a "normal BMI." You have no idea how badly I want to be normal in some aspect of my life, hahahaha. But my sights are set a little lower...I *really* want to get to 131.5 so I can say I am half the woman I once was. I am so clever! And you can bet I'll be tossing out that corny joke regularly once I've earned the right to use it. And I *really* want to get into my 120s...I blew past them so quickly on the way up! I'd love to make myself cozy there. I want to be able to say to myself,  "I weigh 120-something." "I'm in my 120s." "I weigh about 120." (haha, you can bet I will round down.)

First things first, though. Let's kill that first goal once and for all. Hasn't my weight loss slowed down to a snail's pace? That's bad eating for you, baby. Who opened the flood gate on sweets? And where in the heck did I even *get* a sweet tooth? Something that has never plagued me before.

Sheila is absolutely right: the more carbs I eat, the more carbs I want. I have been on a carb-free-for-all for awhile now, and it was catching up with me. One day I got on the scale and it said "150.x" and I about lost my marbles. Enough is enough. Granted, I had reached a low of 144, but was consistently seeing the scale at about 146-148. The 150 was at "my time of the month," so it wasn't all bad. But it was enough to scare this little carb monster straight, haha.

Message to myself and other WLS peeps: your bad eating habits don't disappear with WLS. You get a brief reprieve immediately after surgery because you can't and don't want to eat the bad stuff. But then you get complacent, you can eat a little more, etc. And all your demons are waiting right there to party with you. Be vigilant. I would say at about my one year surgiversary, I really started cutting myself too much slack. And you see how that's impacted the scale...these last pounds have been slooooooowwww to come off.

But they're going. And they're going to start leaving at a faster pace now, I command. COMMAND.

You want a dating update? Oy, we'll have to call this one, "In Which Reality Sets In and it is Not Always Fun." We're in a bit of a holding pattern. We jostle issues of child custody and kid-free alone time (IRONICALLY concerning his child, not my three, hahahaha). We hash issues of children not wanting to share their parents (IRONICALLY, again concerning his, not mine). It is a struggle. We'll see.

The lingering issue on my front pertains to loose skin and my resultant attractiveness to said man. I don't know how to write this without making him sound like an asshole. He is not an asshole, he is a really wonderful man. But in this regard...well, let's just say I don't think of him as not an asshole. And I assure you, there are no cutting mean comments, no teasing, no cruelty. Mama don't stand for that.

But how much does mama stand for?

Okay: I *get* that the loose skin is not attractive. I cannot stand it myself. When I am dressed, DAMN, I feel sexy! Well, not always, haha, but I have my moments. Woo baby, there is no one more proud of me than me when I'm really feeling it. Naked? Oy. When I lay on my back, I swear my skin puddles beside me. Ew. So unattractive.

If I can't hardly stand to be with me naked, well, it's not really fair of me to judge someone who is new to the whole thing. I've at least had time to get used to it, and I have the benefit of knowing how far I've come. There's a lot of pride wrapped up in that loose skin, because it's something I've done for myself. It is also something I've done *to* myself, so there can be a lot of regret and wistfulness and sadness wrapped up in it, too.

But those are all the emotions I get to bring about myself, just as part of knowing my new body and knowing my challenges and successes and failures. I don't actually need anyone else adding to my baggage. Greg does not intentionally be hurtful - not at all, not ever - but this skin issue is a tough one. Him for it causing him to not be as attracted to me because of it, me because I don't need someone else rattling my self-confidence or increasing my self-consciousness about it. I've taken to wearing long sleeves all the time to keep my lunch lady arms hidden (this is probably a public service). I have sexy lingerie.

I have not decided where my expectations lie. I have not decided my next course of action. I *totally* get not loving it - I, myself, hate it. And I can't say that if the situation were reversed, I'd be all that excited about it.

I can't even express what he's done or said. Really, there hasn't been much. He flat out asked me the other night how much I've lost. I told him. He is not one of my fan club that jumped in with the "I'm so proud of you!" It was, "that was a lot of weight to carry on a 5'3" person," and "how did you get so heavy?" and "that kind of weight gain could really affect a marriage." Not a cheerleader, in other words. There was also "you should be proud," and a couple other nice things. But more than that, there was confirmation of a vibe I've know I've been uber-reluctant to share details with him about this...seeing the pictures (I showed him my one-year collage) was a detractor in his current attraction to me, if you know what I mean. Exactly as I figured, him seeing the fat version of me negatively impacted his opinion of the current version of me.

Anyway - we are at a crossroads. Buddy, you gotta let this thing go or hit the road. It is what it is. I am planning plastic surgery, but if it's unattainable, we're both out of luck. And honestly, if you don't want to be with pre-plastic surgery me, you won't deserve post-plastic surgery me, the one where I run around naked all the time showing everyone my new boobies. :)

Now, I know all my super-supporters are out there reading this and telling me to DTMFA! (Dump the mf'er already). It's on my mind. But let me tell you: it's a jungle out there. And when you have a man who is in all other regards (well, most other!) a really great match...and you can't bear to see YOURSELF naked in the's hard to judge someone for also being troubled by the same picture. I know! I'd be telling me to DTMFA, too! But the reality is - under those wraps, this skin has really been through some damage. It is not realistic to expect someone to blindly love you for the wonderful person you are inside. You get that privilege, maybe, with spouses who are along for the ride. This is an issue that I will face again dating someone else, I assure you. It is a tough subject, because I gotta tell you, Greg is the whole package. He is wonderfully kind and sweet, treats me like a queen, brings so much to the table: he's a damn good match for me. But at what price? I'm thinking.

Kim hates it when I go here. :) I had a long-term lover after my divorce. It was not a relationship of substance. But it was a relationship of great chemistry and friendship. And this man was with me at my heaviest and made me feel like the sexiest woman alive. And he was with me after I lost most of the weight, and he made me feel like the sexiest woman alive. He is the barometer I use when I know the difference in how men make me feel about myself. Greg is a fair ways down the spectrum in terms of how he makes me feel about myself. Same body, very different feelings about being naked.

We'll see. :) In the meantime, let's kick some butt and get these last pounds off. First goal, ready to be slayed!


  1. OMG--I hate it when you go there. Since there isn't full disclosure here, let's just say that guy doesn't count and he's not a fair barometer, as he wasn't interested in a real relationship and had baggage. GRRRRRR. Do not compare him to the REAL man you are dating right now.

  2. first off - awesome job getting where you are today. Both with the weight loss and being able to open up about it. That part has to be hard. I have not lost nearly as much and I still stuggle saying how much I have lost. I totallly get Greg's point of view and your point of view - you also have to give him time to review all of the information. But at the end of the day if he doesn't make you feel like a million bucks not matter how you look then he is not worth it. I am sure he has concerns about your health in general and men just can't express it the way us women want them to.

    Hang in there - give it some time and see where it takes you, but don't ever settle if its not 100% fit. :)

  3. Well, wow... as per usual we are getting Deep Thoughts from our adorable little (and I do mean little!) FreeJulie. First of all congrats on the new low...I get so freaking excited when I see a new low (can you tell it's been a while?) And yes the carb monster is a big ole meanie, just waiting for you to come talk sweet to it. Ugh!

    About the man the skin and all other things...I just don't know what I would do if I were you. I guess you can't wear cute lingere ALL the time, but how about most of the time? Can you go spend a fortune on some fun and supportive bedroom attire...and then get some that is just slinky slips, etc. that you can throw on that don't "cling"? Sorry just trying to work through WIWD in the same situation. You know who is bugging ME about plastic surgery? Not me. Not my hubby. Not anyone in my family. IT'S MY SURGEON!!! GO figure. He keeps hounding me about it. I'm so sick of hearing him blather on about I can only IMAGINE how you feel with some innocuous sounding comments from the best guy you been with in a while (just saying...that is what is sounds like...not that I know all about your love life and all.) Anyway, this soul-searching has to come FROM you and be FOR you and no one else baby. It's YOUR body, YOUR life...YOU gotta do what is best for YOU! Sending you a hug...

  4. I have been telling my girl friends that asked how I knew DH was THE ONE after only knowing him a few months; "when it's right, it's TOTALLY right. Usually when people date, they show the best side of themselves because that other person makes them WANT to be their best self. Are their challenges, sure, but there shouldn't be shame, guilt, or feelings of inadequacy - we already give ourselves enough of that negative, self-talk...our partners that love us give us the room to develop into the people we were meant to be. I know it's never easy starting new relationships, but it's also not easy living within one that feels so unsettling. Best of luck as you flush this out and decide what to do...I'm supporting you, no matter what you choose!