Whiney-Hiney

Ugh...it pains me to say (but not as bad as it could, because I already 'fessed this up to Kim awhile ago, and she skeers me), but I have been smoking again. I started...hmmmm...a few months ago. I think it was when my friend Don and I went to an art event, then back to his house. Where we consumed too much alcohol and sat on the patio overlooking the city and smoked.

I'm like an alcoholic with my cigarettes. There is no "just one cigarette" for me. So that's probably when I started again. I've beaten myself up about this a million times, but part of what I'm just willing to acknowledge is that I am very, very prone to addictions, especially those of the eating/smoking/biting my nails variety.

Cappy smokes. Since I've been hanging around with him, the amount frequency I smoke has increased a lot. My WLS was convinced that I would have ulcers from smoking, so when he did my gallbladder removal, he scoped my stomach to look for them. Which I didn't have, but woo-boy, can that man make a girl feel badly for smoking. The stern looks! The lectures! Yipes. He did not congratulate me for being ulcer-free at my post-op appointment, haha.

It has had a negative effect on me, and not just in a smoking-is-bad way. Smoking has made me less willing to exercise, less willing to go climb the stairs, etc. More grouchy about walking up hills. It definitely affects your breathing. :) Smoking has made me ignore my stair climbing buddy when she alludes to us signing up for the Big Climb (76 story building).

Smoking is a dating DEAL-KILLER. Wowsa. This makes sense, really. Maybe as an on-again, off-again smoker for many years, I just am not all that bothered by this. But really, I haven't thought about it, either. I haven't had a long-term relationship since the divorce that involved being around someone a lot while they were smoking and I was not. Cappy and I are just goddamn chain-smokers when we're together. Huh.

The new guy, Sparky, lists himself as an occasional smoker on his profile. I didn't ask. He didn't smell like cigarettes, but what do I know? I'm a smoker, my sense of smell is whack, haha.

Anyway. I quit smoking on Sunday. I am grouchy. I am irritable. I am going to force myself out for a walk in just a few minutes so I can exhaust myself into not smoking. And I made a decision on that great gym dilemma:

I'm joining the Y. It is cheaper, it has better facilities, I will enjoy going there more than the swim and tennis club. It has childcare and swim lessons, and my older two can use the facilities. They will not be able to get there during the day this summer, but we will work it out. I just need to call and reactivate my membership.