Depression

First off, let me say that I am so glad I am only *seven pounds* off my first goal weight! Yay! I'm seven away from being "normal." Normal BMI, that is.

Secondly, let me say that I am bottom of the barrel depressed right now. I go through periods of this, where my life is just completely and utterly...exhausting. Meaningless. Undesirable. A lot of it is the time of year. This time of year in Seattle is tough, but unfortunately, it only gets worse from here. The long, miserable gray days really get to me. I can't blame it on the weather, too much, though, because we have actually had some pretty stellar days lately! Lots of sunshine and blue skies.

I could blame it on the men. Dating is exhausting, and while fun in some ways, it is not at all fun in most ways. It's nervewracking putting yourself out there, it makes me nervous to meet people for first dates. It is frustrating, disappointing, and hell, even a little SCARY when you meet someone like Navy who then proceeds to freak you the hell out.

Credit to my good instincts, though, as well as my volunteer training as a domestic violence victim support team member. By the time Navy was grilling me on Friday afternoon about where I was going and with whom, my little alarm bells were already ringing. The bazillion texts and phone calls that night made it an easy decision to kick him to the curb, and quickly. After working with so many domestic violence victims...well, the stories all have a lot of similarities, let's just say that. And it starts with the man being hella-concerned about where you are and who you're with.

Besides Navy, though, my quasi-non-relationship with Cappy is bringing me down. Sure, on Friday night I told him to call me if/when he is ready to date. By Saturday morning, I recanted. I just enjoy being with him a lot. I tell myself he is "filler" and someone fun to hang out with until he either decides he wants me or I meet someone else. But really, that feels like a bad decision. I'd take him in my life even as a good friend...but I'm thinking this is not a good dynamic for me. And yet...I am having a very hard time pulling the trigger.

And he's not even someone that I would say is a "great fit" for me. He's got some off the wall interests, things that I can participate in, but it's a bit of a stretch for me. The underground dance club on Friday night, for instance. It is not lost on me that we were roughly double the age of most people there. :) Sure, there were some grown-ups, but for the most part...not so much. I do not relish standing outside in the rain for an hour waiting to get in ANYWHERE. I don't know that I'll ever be interested in dressing up cutesy-Goth for a night at the dance club.

I hate dancing, too. That, I feel like I need to overcome, because the only reason I hate dancing is because Fat Julie Doesn't Like Looking Silly. I am not Fat Julie anymore. I don't look any sillier than anyone else. I dance at home, I enjoy myself. So I am actually trying to break out of my shell in this regard, because this has been a lifelong desire to not draw attention to myself. It's not a genuine dislike of the dance, haha.

Anyway. It just feels like my life is a freaking mess. I am lonely, and depressed. It's funny - you always think, or at least I do, "if I lost all the weight, I'd be happy." It's not true. There's still the lingering issues even after the weight is gone. And the simple fact of the matter is that I do not like being alone. I've got single women friends who are perfectly content being alone. I am not one of them.

One time, and I may have blogged it here because it really struck me, a friend said, "I enjoy my own company." I do not enjoy my own company. I get bored, and restless, and I feel like I should be doing something. I don't accomplish things around the house even when I have ample time and energy. I know I'm still sort of in recovery mode from my surgery, but all I did this weekend was watch TV and read and feel sorry for myself.

Ah, what a whiny post. I am not happy. I'm at one of those times where everything seems like an imposition. Helping my 6-year-old with Valentine's cards tonight, not knowing if my 5th grader needs them or not, blah blah blah. My life stretches long and painfully boring in  front of me. What a downer day!

On a positive note, yesterday I actually bought some more of the vacuum-packed tuna packages and brought them back to work to keep in my desk. They are quick and easy filling food, so hopefully I can stop rattling around the building hungry but not knowing what to eat. Also, I brought my tennis shoes in to leave at work so I can get my lazy ass back onto those stairs. Grr. I think I am also suffering from a complete and utter lack of physical activity these last several months.