Ya Gotta Want It. Regroup, regroup, regroup.

Freakout weight: 149.9
Today's weight: 142.8
Freakout factor: SEETHING


Holy Camoly, I am in a MOOD this Morning!! Ugh, did I ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I surely should have stayed home, but I took the local bus and now I am stuck here. The people on the bus annoyed the bejeezus out of me. I very nearly got into a fight at the SBUX condiment counter with an old woman who was extremely territorial of the nonfat milk. (I didn't know she was going to use it, and when I said, "Gosh, they usually have two out here," she snarled, "Well, I don't know anything about that." So either she was in a mood, too, or just my reaching for the nonfat conveyed great impatience and hostility. I won't rule out the possibility, haha.)


And WHY, when people found out you did a race, do they ALWAYS ask or assume it was a 26.2 mile freaking marathon?? WHY WOULD YOU EVER MAKE THAT ASSUMPTION? Do you know how far that is?? I am getting so tired of people asking, or saying so. I have an email from a friend this morning, after seeing my picture on facebook, "You look so fantastic.  What did you run?  A full marathon?"


Uh, no. It was just 13.1 tiny little miles. Half whatever accomplishment you assumed I could do. But thanks for asking. I thought a half-marathon was pretty freaking cool, but you're right, it's just half-cool.


A mood, I tell you. I should have never gotten on the scale this morning. I'm truly beginning to think that there is some heavy-duty self-sabotage going on, intentionally keeping me from getting below this ridiculous goal weight. So, the day before, I was what, 142.6? Yes. 


Then came yesterday. It really wasn't a bad day, but it deserves some scrutiny and retrospection. A protein shake in the morning: 160 calories. Then someone brought over a bag of Gu Chomps for me to try on my next long run. They were watermelon, which sounded disgusting. An hour or so later, starving, they sounded not so bad. After I ate one, I realized they're pretty freaking delicious. Except I wasn't running, of course. So I ate the bag, I think it was 180 calories. Oops.


Lunch with a friend. I'm not eating, but I forgot a protein shake. I bought coconut water, which has gobs of potassium, and I *had* woken up in the middle of the previous night with horrific leg cramps (I get this in one particular muscle or tendon sometimes). I think it had 90 calories. Or 190 calories, I can't rightly recollect. Hmm, their website says 110 calories. Whatever. :)


Half a pickle. My friend, who invited me for lunch, also did not have money to buy her own lunch. So I actually paid to have her sit and eat in front of me. :) I recall she and I doing this very same thing when I was on my two-week pre-op liquid diet. :) I told her so, and I told her I am reconsidering our friendship. So I ate her pickle.


It was about 2:30 p.m. that I noticed my hand shaking when I reached to answer my phone. Huh. It was about 2:45 p.m. when my body began near-convulsing. (Okay, near convulsing is a bit of an exaggeration.) I thought, at the time, extreme hunger, but you know what? I am thinking either Gu Chomps or coconut water now! Too much concentrated calories on an empty stomach, maybe?? It is weird to me that I was SO AFFECTED yesterday afternoon. It's honestly not as if I've been starving myself. I ate a good dinner the night before (yum, remember chicken nachos?).


Okay, so I felt really awful and I headed to the salad bar to get some food. A salad, with a piece of tofu. It wasn't a big meal, but it wasn't a small meal. I got kidney beans, garbanzo beans and beets. I did put croutons and crumbled bleu cheese on it.


Later, I figured that would be dinner. I planned to walk my three one-mile pieces, getting in my exercise for the day. But about halfway through my first leg, a coworker actually drove by (in another city!) and offered me a ride. Hilarious! Would you believe he was going to the exact same building as me?? CRAZY!


After my grueling deep tissue massage on my shoulder, I stood up and was d-i-z-z-y. Hmm. Water. More water. I began the walk back to the transit center, but I was really not feeling well. I could have made it, but a connector bus happened by, and I decided to take it. 


At the transit center, I had just missed my bus home, so I had a half hour to kill. I'm a little disconcerted about the shaking and dizziness. I decide to eat again. I get a small combo to go at the Mexican restaurant right at the bus stop. I eat chips and salsa on the patio. I pick at the to-go dinner while I wait for the bus. By the time I get home and go to bed, I have eaten about half the combo (cheese enchilada, rice and beans) and ate enough chips that I am miserably full and thinking I am waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy stooooooooppppiddddd.


I polished off the sugar free popsicles at home. Uh, there were four. I told myself I needed the hydration. :) (Sidebar: I did not need the hydration. If you observe me, you will see that I am the most-hydrated person you know. I challenge you to find me at any given time without a drink in my hand or within reach!)


So I get on the scale this morning and I figure I'm not going to like it. But I also figure that miracles happen. There was no scale miracle this morning, and I am left wondering how much of my current weight is just "what I'm supposed to weigh," and how much is "Julie will do anything to keep from reaching her goals." I have been at this weight for five months now, after all. One pound off my first goal, which is no longer my goal.


Here are my struggles right now:
- SUPPOSING I get below 140, I am *just* into the "normal" BMI range. Does that seem fair?
- Am I self-sabotaging myself?? Why would I have that WLS surgery just to get SO CLOSE to where I want to be (I would love, love, love another ten pounds gone, I really would) and not do it?
- Is ten pounds unrealistic? I know that doctors have told me to stop losing, but really? Not even into the normal BMI?
- Do I make too much of this BMI thing (yes, I do, I know, I know, I know)
- Clearly I have some issues. Being outside "normal" BMI, or "only" doing a half marathon - you can tell I have some real internal competitive/something issues. Oh, this is lifelong, I don't expect it to change. Weird things bother me. A lot.
- Will I always just absolutely refuse to let myself be happy for anything I've done? Be it only running a half marathon, or only losing 122 pounds, or only...when do I just celebrate my accomplishments??


Oh, boy, like I said, I woke up in a freaking MOOD this morning. I shudder at the trouble I may cause myself if I don't sit quietly and keep to myself today. :) But I am feeling better having written this, thank you for reading and thank you, as always, for your support. It means so much to me.