119 Down, 4+ to Go

BMI = 25.6. Inching ever so closely to the "Normal" BMI range!

I was very happy to see a little drop on the scale this morning. I had weighed myself at Greg's house and was hoping/expecting this, but you never know with someone else's scale. That puts me four pounds off my first goal! And it is my first goal: I want to keep losing. I'm not sure where I want to stop, but I can honestly say I'd like to get into my 120s. I suppose it's time to kick it in gear if I'd like to do that! Especially since it took me about two months to lose these last two pounds, haha. Oh well. My weight has been hovering at 146-149 for ages now, so it's nice to see a long awaited drop.

Along those lines, I booked my first plastic surgery consult yesterday! They are booking out for mid-July!! My appointment is July 19th. I booked the appointment for a tummy tuck and a breast lift, although I suspect I would actually end up with a "lower body lift" and a breast augmentation. I'm not thrilled at the idea of breast implants, but from what I've read, I think that might be the way I have to go for the results I want. I'm not sure of the protocol here: my plan is for surgery in early 2013. I don't know if I'm jumping the gun doing a consult now, or not. But I figure it will give me good information and I can process it in my own time.

Here's a picture Blake took of me and Greg at Supercross on Saturday. We had a great day. It was the first time we co-mingled his kids and one of mine. It went as well as you could hope. :) The kids, his two and my 11yo son, didn't interact at all, but we all happily coexisted and had a wonderful day. A *long* day! We got to the stadium at about 12:30 p.m. and got back to Greg's at 12:30 a.m. I was dying! So tired.

Supercross, brought to you by Monster Energy Drink

There have been some recent developments on his end related to child custody that leave me wondering about our future, but I'll save that for another day. I am a worrier and an overthinker, and it is truly best if I try to just let it go right now and see what happens. Plus, I am ovulating, which for some reason makes me feel SUPER SAD AND WEEPY! I have noticed this pattern over the last couple years. My OB/GYN sort of poo-poo'd me when I asked about it. When I wasn't dating, I wondered, too, if I was just super lonely and wanting a man when this was happening. Now I have a man and I am still super sad and feel weepy, although I haven't cried. With the slightest provocation (sad youtube video, anyone?) I know I would be bawling. Crazy hormones. So now that I am ovulating and having a man, I am driving myself nuts with over analyzing recent events and twists in our lives. We shall see. Today, however, I am doing the highly unusual (for me) and playing it smart and low-key. ;)

Here's a picture of Blake at Supercross, he is just the coolest kid. This was some race car, and it was running and revving full blast. Love that boy.

His mama cuts his hair funny.

Next Time

I tell you that my weight loss has stalled out a mere six pounds away from my (first) goal...remind me this: you, foolish woman, ate three mini-donuts, a (small piece of) brownie and a tollhouse cookie yesterday. And two small peppermint patties.

Granted, that was a sugar-overdose day, and I am on my period (see rant, below, shortly). But, still. You wanna know why the weight loss has stalled out? That's why. And stop walking by the "treat table" in the office, even though it means taking the long way around the floor.

My period. Remember I had the uterine ablation to stop my periods? Well, it hasn't. Grr. Okay, they are mini, mini, mini periods, but I am still annoyed.

Well, actually, I've been sick this week, battling off a stupid cold every day, so I'm easy to annoy right now, haha. I've been bitchy to coworkers, I am turning a jaded, critical eye on everyone in my life, and I absolutely cannot wait to wrap up in a blankie every night. This is, perhaps, not the best time to make lasting decisions. But I'm still not happy about the period thing.

On the plus side, I had my nails done yesterday (shellac "Tutti Fruitti"), my eyebrows waxed, and today, Sabrina brought me in a super cute pair of little black stretch capri pants. Annnnndddd, my other coworker's husband is bringing me six empty Monster energy drink cans this afternoon so I can use them as pit passes to the Supercross event we're attending on Saturday.

Yup, Supercross. Greg and I are going, and we are bringing his two kids and my 11-year-old son. Greg's (young) adult nephew and girlfriend are also coming up from Oregon to attend with us. This will be the first co-mingling of our children. I took my boys to a similar event a couple years ago and Blake loved it. Reid didn't like the noise or the fireworks. Alli had said she wasn't interested in going, although she did want to change her mind this week, but we've already bought the tickets. I am looking forward to it. Blake is really looking forward to it, and he will be missing a Little League game to attend. I think he has a bit of a man-crush on Greg. I offered Blake a couple options, since it will be a late night: stay at Greg's afterward, or he and I could go home and stay afterward. Blake got a shy little smile and said he wants to see Greg's house. This was very cute, but I do hope, as usual, that I haven't been premature in having them meet. I wouldn't want to see Blake get his heart broken. Or me!

I don't think I am. Greg is awesome and we are having a great time together. He's the real deal, and quite a catch. There are some ways in which he is good for me but that are still a bit of a struggle for me to adapt. He is very practical, and very financially prudent. I am neither, haha. This morning, I wanted us to drive to work from his house. I don't feel good, I didn't want to sit on a crowded bus. My car gets good gas mileage: I can see why he doesn't drive to work as he has a monster truck, but mine is on the fuel-efficient-ish side. He has free parking at work - heck, if I had that, I'd drive every day. Greg pointed out that the bus drops us both pretty much off at our work doorsteps. If we drive, he has to do a loop back to his place through traffic and actually gets to work later. And home later, since he does the reverse loop to pick me up.

Sigh. Yeah. We actually ended up driving, largely because both of us felt like crap this morning and were moving pretty slowly. But I see his point.

For his (early) birthday, I suggested taking him on a charter fishing boat down in Westport, WA. I researched the boats and hotel. But because I needed for us to both take a day off work, and because I wanted to make sure we were fishing for something he actually wanted, I checked with him before making arrangements. He's so sweet. He said he'd be just as happy fishing with me off the jetty as he would on a charter boat. That he has a friend who charters for much less, and that $240 was a lot to pay for a day of fishing. Plus hotel and gas. A "five hundred dollar weekend," he called it. Not necessary. Take the motorcycle down there, fish off the jetty and have just as much fun.

Okay - this is why I have no money in the bank. :) I just don't think this way! To me, it's his birthday, it's something he wants to do, blah blah blah. You see why he's good for me? Hmmm, how practical to not go overboard when there's a less expensive alternative that's just as fun. I will admit that I have noticed a rather positive change in my bank account balance since I've been seeing Greg. It turns out all that drinking and eating out I was doing with Cappy and my friends? Well, that shit adds up. :) Yesterday was the day before payday and I was reveling at how nice it was to still have money in the bank, haha.

Good for me. But I'm also a spoiled brat, so it will not be without growing pains to adapt to this way of life.

Just an Update

Nothing too interesting going on, but I'll just give a general update. Ohmygoodness, will this scale NOT COOPERATE WITH ME AND MOVE A SINGLE POUND? Sheesh! Stuck, stuck here forever at 146-148, or so it seems. All in all, I am fairly satisfied with this weight, though I want to push it lower. I really want to do those plastic surgery consults, but haven't started any of the legwork. Every time I start looking at plastic surgery websites, I just get kind of overwhelmed and stall out. My WLS did provide me with a couple surgeons' names, so I'll call upon them soon.

Really - there's no plastic surgery slush fund kicking around here, and I don't have any paid leave in the bank, so it's sort of low on the list of priorities. I am very curious, though, to hear from a plastic surgeon how much extra skin would be removed (both amount and weight) because I do feel it would get me awfully close to where I want to be.

As far as the boyfriend goes, things are clicking along very nicely. He's a great guy. We went fishing in his boat all day Sunday - my ex took the kids to celebrate Greek Easter with his family, and I met up with Greg early and spent the day on the lake with him. We caught a couple of rainbow trout: the fishing was super slow, but once we moved to a different part of the lake, we got a ton of bites. Only landed two, though, but I had a third one *almost* in the boat before he jumped off the line. It was a very fun day! We'll be having those rainbow trout for dinner tomorrow night, I believe.

I'm actually feeling pretty sick today, and have been taking DayQuil and Aleve Cold. My spirits are a little dampened, so although I had hoped for a good blog update, I'm kind of struggling with what to write! I'll come back when I'm not so stuffy. :)

The Elephant in the Room: Loose Skin and Dating

Ah, y'all are so sweet. Thank you for your nice comments and emails about this post, in which I talked about dating and loose skin. I feel like I should address it a little more, because I sure understand where y'all are coming from!

It didn't make me feel great that he brought up the subject. However, I should be clear: the loose skin is the elephant in the room. It's not, "Oh, I'm 42 and my body is not perfect," it's not, "I've lost a little weight and my tummy is saggy." It's not even, "Wow, look at that loose skin!" It's OMG, WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED HERE???? It's relevant to the situation to bring it up, in other words. It's a tiny little frame (mine) with a whole lot of ummmm, visible damage. He'd have to be blind, or even a little stoopid, not to notice it and even comment. When I am leaning over, which I have done in the mirror to torture myself, it's this massive, uh, yuck, hanging there. My breasts, once full and round, are empty sacks of pendulous skin. Even my butt, tiny and toned from all those stairs, has hanging wrinkly bits.

I wouldn't trade it for the excess weight for nothing. And when I wrap myself in spandex and a good bra every morning, it does a reasonable job of concealing the mess.

So I don't begrudge him for bringing it up. It's the same with scars, or tattoos, or any other relevant subject of conversation as you're getting to know someone new and the package they come in. :)

I still haven't divulged the true extent of my weight loss, nor have we talked any more about it. I did actually print off my one year weight loss collage to show him, but never got around to it. I will. Because yes, I do believe that in a long-term relationship, you know each other's secrets and pasts. It is something I will be open about, and I am open about the surgery and the fact that I don't eat a lot, etc.

Here's the thing. Right now, I want him to fall in love with me for who I am NOW. I'm not that 263 pound girl anymore. I don't even know her or remember her. He doesn't need to know her, because that person is gone. Yes, at some point, he can know what I remember of her, which mostly just exists in pictures and the exciting journey it has been to release the real me from all that extra weight.

Maybe he'd be proud of me for all that weight loss. I know my friends and family certainly are! But right now, I want ME to be what he thinks about, not the old me. As we progress along, we'll have lots of chances to talk about our pasts and our challenges and our successes. This particular one is one that I don't mind playing a little close to the vest right now. I may be being overly cautious, but it's what I'm comfortable with!

Rushing this entry a bit because I have to scoot, but I wanted to make sure you all knew how much I appreciated your comments and love. And I wanted to defend him a little bit for posing the question, because he is really an awesome guy and I don't consider that a defining moment in our relationship. :)

xoxo

Pencil Test

On March 13th, I wrote in this entry:

While the weight loss has slowed down, my body is still always changing. I cannot tell you how happy I am that my hanging gut no longer hangs onto myself. You know what I mean? It's just a flabby gut now - I am not quite able to do a "pencil test" like I saw on some movie or read in some book a million years ago. How do you know if you need to wear a bra? Put a pencil under your breast and if your breast holds the pencil in place, you need to wear a bra. (That was in the book or movie, haha, I wish I could remember the reference. Probably some Judy Blume book.) Anyway, I will absolutely let you know when my tummy can no longer hold up a pencil, and it feels like it will be very soon.

I am happy to report that this morning, I did that pencil test, and I "passed." :) So even though my stomach is still a disaster area, it is always changing for the better! It won't tighten up to where I'm satisfied without surgery, I think, but it is a sign that even without continued weight loss, my body is continuing to improve!

I just felt you had to know that on this rainy Wednesday afternoon, when I have been on my second day of a bread binge, ugh. Today it was half a banh mi sandwich, yesterday it was too much bread from an order of bruschetta. Both days, I am left miserable and overstuffed: I know that bread gets into my stomach and puffs up like a sponge. I told a friend that I understand the science, and I understand the ramifications, but I have yet to learn the prevention. :) I'm getting there.

I have walked at lunch all week, even though today was nasty outside. I took my Sugar Daddy, and he bought me lunch. Lurve him.

And speaking of great friends, Sabrina brought me a TRUNK FULL of clothes and shoes from her 14yo son to my 11yo son. WOW!! I kid you not - eleven pairs of awesome tennis shoes (Air Jordan's and such). Coats and hoodies and t-shirts. Dress clothes and shoes. You wouldn't believe the major haul of things she gave me. Blake was so excited, and I told Sabrina it was like Christmas morning for me! I normally buy Blake a pair of tennies from Target and he wears them to tatters before I buy another. It's just hard with all these clothes going back and forth to X's, at some point I stopped buying much. Now that boy is super well-outfitted. So cool!

Just Stuff

Most importantly, yesterday I did the stairs! And I took a long walk at lunch! Yay me!! Why, oh why, don't I keep up with this? I feel so much better when I do. I felt freakin' awesome after finishing the stairs yesterday. Note to self: exercise feels good. Even if you hate it. You should do it. C'mon, get back out there! I did 52 flights in 15 minutes, so it wasn't recordbreaking time. But it was still good, and hey, I did it, right?

Awesome weekend. Greg and I took a vacation day Friday and headed to the Oregon coast on Thursday after work. His 14yo daughter came along with us. We brought Greg's ATV, and met his sister down there, who brought along her two ATVs. I had never been quad riding! Mostly, I rode on the back of Greg's, as there were four of us and three quads. I also got to spend a fair amount of time riding by myself. Riding by yourself is more fun, but it was also very cool to ride with Greg, who took us up and down sand dunes that I wouldn't have ventured onto by myself. And it was a good opportunity to squeeze him tight: I am always looking for those! :) Plus, me riding alone was a bit more challenging for Greg, who had to dig me out of the sand two times. I buried it three times, haha, but the third time I was able to rescue myself before he realized I had gotten stuck.

Selfishly, vainly, I look at this picture and think, "I'm tiny!" 

We stayed inland at his mom's the first night down and the last night back, she lives on the I-5 corridor and it was a good place to be. Wow, I met his entire family this weekend! They are really nice and very welcoming. I'll admit I was nervous - it's been 20+ years since I met the boyfriend's family. Eek. But I had a great time, and it was an awesome weekend. His daughter is great, and his sister and I got to be buddies while Greg and his daughter were off riding. By the time they got back, when they pulled up to the trailer, it was like, "Oh! They're back - that's why we're sitting here talking!" The sister and I were just sitting in the sun chatting and having a great time. His mom is like that, too. Super nice and super easy to talk to. Wow, does she ever have a great place: it is literally 15' off the river's edge. So fun to sit on the deck in the sun and watch the river.

My weight is holding steady at 146. I have vowed to force it lower this month. :) My eating has become totally complacent. I'm eating bigger portions (waaah!!) and getting sloppy with what I eat, and how often. It's nice to know that I can fairly easily maintain my weight - seeings how I have been stuck here for ages and ages now! But I'm not done, and come hell or high water, I will get below 140 pounds. I did not come all this way only to not reach my goal. And I still think of that as my *first* goal!

On a relationship note, I am enjoying being with Greg so much. He's an awesome guy. My friend and I laugh, the best word to describe him is CAPABLE. That man can do anything. You have no idea how sexy that is to me. We had a bit more of the grounded in reality exposure this weekend, a couple difficult conversations and a couple acknowledgments that neither of us is perfect, nor do we come without some baggage.

For my part, I know Greg struggles a bit with my young kids. At sixteen and fourteen, he is further down the parenting path than I am. I freely acknowledge that it would have to be one helluva guy for me to consider starting over with children younger than my own. Just not something I'm interested in doing. But, I take a pragmatic approach: I am kid-free 50% of the time, and when they are with me, he does not have to be. My family is what it is: if he chooses not to be part of that, then he is obviously not the right guy. They aren't going anywhere. ;) We'll just let him work through that on his own, I certainly bear no hard feelings toward him about it as he faces the question realistically. I like, very much, that he is a long-term thinker and planner. So when he's thinking about my children, he's not thinking, "Can I date a woman with children?" He is thinking, "Can I be a long-term positive role model in these kids' lives?" He doesn't take "us" lightly, and while it sometimes feels too soon for me, it is nice to know, too, that he doesn't look at our relationship as "passing time until..."

On the plus side, my boys would eat him up with all his activities and interests. Really, Blake, my oldest, could *be* his son, haha. They have so much in common! Sports and the outdoors, cooking, working around the house and yard. Reid, oh, won't it be nice as Reid continues to grow older and settle down? Reid loves all these same things, too, he just comes with a certain exhaustion factor that can be difficult to swallow at time. ;)

After I just said my kids aren't going anywhere, I might as well mention that my youngest is actually going to go stay full-time with his dad starting next week. X and I talked about it last night. We are both concerned about his progress as his (second) kindergarten year winds down. He has actually made leaps and bounds of progress this year, but he still lags pretty far behind academically and socially. It always sounds funny to me to allude to "social" problems with him, because this is one very social kid! He's definitely an "everyone is an old friend" kind of guy, he always, always has been. He struggles more with transitions between activities, knowing when to settle down, etc. Play fighting and not reading people's cues when it's time to stop, that sort of thing. Definitely not in the social aspect: he's my only kid who has always said, "I'm going to go make friends with those kids," and within minutes, he is the center of the action! Love, love, love that boy, and he is going to be filthy stinking rich one day, running some company or being some sort of celebrity...as long as I can keep him out of prison. He'll take care of his mama, especially when I remind him of all the havoc he created as a child. ;)

Anyway, X is going to take him full-time for awhile, to give him some concentrated one-on-one time, some free time away from his siblings, and time to focus on his studies and such. We did this for a month or so last fall, and it worked pretty well. He is definitely daddy's boy. I have mixed feelings about it, of course, but we both agreed it went well last fall and may be the extra boost of attention he needs to finish out this school year in style. (I'm not saying he'll be there through the end of the school year, just that school is our main emphasis right now. We'll just play it by ear.)

Whew - did I ever throw a lot of my dirt at you, or what?? Told ya, the blog is pretty much my online diary, haha. Here's where I come to brain dump. You just get to watch the carnage. ;)

Pepper-oni and Pepper-mint Patties

Maybe what I really want is a pepper-mill. I have been on a breakfast/lunch bender of eating a pepperoni stick and two peppermint patties at work. And I honestly figured the pepperoni wasn't too bad: protein, no carbs. So why do all my friends who are with me when I buy it gasp and tsk-tsk and shake their heads??

Hrumph. Maybe it's preservatives and nitrates and such. I can't even find the nutrition content online, but from what I've seen, it doesn't bode well. Lots of fat and calories. And the main ingredient seems to be pig hearts, eww. My Sugar Daddy talked me into a hard boiled egg, instead. Much better! I wanted protein, and I can't eat cottage cheese anymore (lactose issue). I don't get hungry for yogurt.

He couldn't talk me out of the peppermint patties, though. I am as stubborn as a mule! I have really been eating too much sugar lately - WHAT GIVES??

I'm in the midst of a short week, as Greg and I are zipping off to the Oregon Coast for a long weekend. We are going to ride ATVs in the sand dunes. I'm pretty sure I've never been on an ATV. Should be fun! We are taking his 14yo daughter, who is on spring break and has been begging to go ride the ATVs. She's the one who's into it, Greg said he can take or leave them. But where we're going is his favorite place on earth, so I'm eager to see it!

We'll leave Thursday after work. His daughter was very sick over the weekend, and the school just called and sent my daughter home sick this morning. Yuck. I hope we don't spend the weekend getting sick from all these germy kids. ;)

Yesterday I went to Old Navy and bought a couple of hoodies and a couple pairs of sweat pants. I am gradually getting my wardrobe rebuilt with things that fit me now! And yup, I was excited to buy size smalls and mediums of everything. The men's hoodies were much warmer than the women's, and I did pick up a men's small, as well. It is huge on me! I tell ya - it is just crazy unfathomable how much my body has changed. Love it.

I am looking forward to riding the ATVs, but mostly I am so happy that at this point in my life, I no longer have the fears of doing such a thing. "Am I too big for it; what will I look like riding it; etc." I will just go and enjoy myself. Yay!

And a cute boyfriend update. :) Yesterday morning he called and asked me if he could bring me lunch. Heck, yeah! He swung by my building for about two nanoseconds and gave me a sack lunch and kisses. He made me a delicious chicken burrito (oh man, was it good) along with a side of chips and homemade salsa. He cut the burrito in half, since he knows I don't eat much, and thought I might want to share it with my stair ninja/lunch buddy Barb. We did share it, and we dished about what a supercool guy I've stumbled onto. ;)

I'm Not Complaining...Well, Maybe Just a Little

Oh look, we're back to weight loss surgery issues on my weight loss surgery blog! Don't worry, though, I'll manage to work that new man o' mine into the story, somehow, though! ;)

I'm not complaining, but I was thinking the other day how many friends I've "lost" from the weight loss surgery. Not in a direct way: I know of others who have actually lost friendships due to the weight loss. No, for me, I've just lost a lot of camaraderie in my building. I've worked here for twenty plus years, you know. And I've really noticed how many people no longer recognize me. On any given day, I'm passing people that I used to work with, and I'm giving a chipper hello or a little wave, or whatever. Usually, it goes unrecognized: like if I'm passing someone on the stairs or at the elevator.

I'm not complaining. But it does kind of make you feel silly. :) I have just so completely changed not only my size, but the way I dress, the way I wear my hair, and in general my overall appearance. I'm not tripping people's radars as someone they know. It's kind of surreal. And it is a little embarrassing when you call out, "Hi so and so," and they don't even hear you. Or, they'll acknowledge you, but it's pretty clear they don't know who you are. Plus, I've even changed my name (taking my maiden name back after the divorce). So I've had a couple instances of really just not being able to jog people's memories that I ever existed in their lives. Sort of odd. Obviously, these aren't close friends, haha. But I have noticed it's made me less likely to say hello in passing around the building. I've noticed it at school events, too, where I've never been much of a player. So I just assume people don't know who I am - I've had several people tell me they didn't even recognize me.

Isn't that funny? It's funny, too, in that *I* am still the same person, and everyone still looks the same to me. So you sort of forget that you've changed a lot. Along those same lines, I have noticed that I am noticing more when people around me gain weight. It's a little surreal to wonder how people noticed and thought about me going from a 19-year-old hottie in my mini-skirts at work to a 263 pound Jabba the Hut, which is, sadly, how I felt about myself.

Okay, along those lines, it's time to talk about the boyfriend again. And yes, I am sort of optimistically/cautiously thinking of him as my boyfriend.

Ugh, I suppose it's time to spill the beans to Greg with all the gnarly details of my surgery and weight loss. Yuck. I don't wanna. But he's been interested, and while I have told him I've had weight loss surgery and lost a considerable amount of weight, he has been gentlemanly and not pressed for details. I am not too interested in planting a mental image in his head of me at 117 pounds heavier. But I have to be careful, because the driving factor behind his divorce, which he initiated, was dishonesty and deceit. So this is a real hot button for him. And wouldn't it be ironic, me, the MOST OPEN PERSON IN THE WORLD, to lose a man who valued openness ABOVE ALL ELSE, because he thought I was keeping too much from him? Very ironic, I'd say.

It's about this godawful loose skin. We all know I'm a hottie-patottie with my clothes on, haha, but I have considered making people who see me naked sign a release of liability. It is fearsome. I know I've more than alluded to it here, hahaha. My boobs, my belly, my upper arms, my thighs (yes, even those have been added to my complaint list). Not pretty. So Greg this weekend, apropos of nothing, really, asked if he could ask me a question without me getting hurt or embarrassed. Oh boy, you know you always love those types of questions. I was a nervous wreck about him being around the kids, though, so I figured he was going to ask me to choose between them or turn over custody to X or something, haha.

Nope. The skin, which has taken on a life of its own. Did I get all this loose skin from losing weight too quickly? he wanted to know. See, part of me questions the need to even discuss it. It is here. But part of me wants him to befriend it and become comfortable with it, like my fourth ugly, annoying, ever-present child. The one no parenting plan or custody agreement will address. Embrace the loose skin.

Naw, I think he asks because he wants details. He wants to open his mind to the horror that is the mental image of me at 117 pounds heavier. And I suppose he's an adult and can take it. I think if I don't just come clean, tell him how much I've lost and show him a picture....well, he's going to start feel like I'm withholding information. Ugh. And again, knowing how sensitive he is to that...well, I suppose I'll just put all my cards on the table.

I asked him if the loose skin bothers him. "Um, yeah, a little," he said. Well, points for honesty. :) It bothers the hell out of me, too. As someone who is so honest, I find it very cool that he is honest and open and can talk about what he's thinking. But still, HEY, OUCH!! Part of me just thinks, *sniff* well, what am I supposed to do about it? :( I've already told him that I plan to have a tummy tuck and a boob job. He was sweet and talked about how working out and weightlifting can help a lot to tone everything up.

I think he just wants to align his image of my hot sexy self dancing around clothed for him with the saggy wrinkled self in bed with him. I try not to let my loose skin put a damper on my confidence or sex appeal, but, you know. He's a new guy, it's a real weak spot of mine, blah blah blah. I am using this as an opportunity to spur myself onward to tone up as best I can, so when I do have plastic surgery, I will know that I've given myself the best possible shot at great results.

Tissues.

I don't know why I'm calling this entry "Tissues," but it sure has been stuck in my head for the last couple days, so I'm going to run with it. :) Yesterday when I was thinking about how I'd blog this weekend, I was thinking of calling it "Issues." But it really feels like tissues, as in, I just feel like sitting down and having a good ole sorry for myself cry.

And nothing even happened. :) Greg is fine, everything is fine. I think this is just my time of year - the time of year when, if things are going badly, I'm thinking of slitting my wrists. If things are going well, I guess I limit myself to wanting to sit down and cry my eyes out. This time of year in Seattle, when you almost literally cannot stand another gray, rainy day, but you know you have a good solid month (or more) of them left: well, it's hard to live here. Thankfully we get a couple nice sunny days thrown into the mix, which keeps me off the ledge. Pretty much.

Greg texted that he rode his motorcycle into work today for the first time this year, so you know everyone is feeling the hope of spring around the corner. I am very jealous. Metro swapped us for a short bus today for some stupid reason, so I rode in like a friggin sardine. They've been doing that lately: they better stop, or I'm going to forego my uber-convenient neighborhood bus for the P&R bus.

It was a great good-ish weekend. I had the kids, and I decided it was okay to co-mingle Greg and the kids. It went longer than I had originally planned, which I think everyone enjoyed, but it was hard on me. It was probably too soon for so much time together.

Sidebar: I am feeling pouty and morose and sorry for myself this morning. It will pass. :) But I am going to blog my weepy little heart out and hope that it gets the woe-is-me out of my system! 


Okay. Let's just keep moving. :) Blake's first Little League game of the season was canceled on Saturday due to the torrential rains. Greg planned to come up after the game to make clam chowder with Blake, who has been looking forward to it for daaaaaaaays. When his game was canceled, Blake's first question was, "Will Greg come up earlier to cook?" Yes, he would.

I think I know why I'm feeling so morose. I want this. I seem to have it, but I am afraid of losing my tenuous grasp on a happy new chapter in life. For those of you that know me, you know, THIS IS MY THING. It's a rare person that is so happy it makes them unhappy, haha. Hello, meet FreeJulie. ;)

Greg with the kids? Perfect. Exactly what you would hope, or even dare to dream. Greg teaching Blake how to make clam chowder? If I wasn't falling in love with the guy before, I damn sure am now. I largely stayed out of the way, working on my strawberries I was making for dessert later. O.M.G. were they sweet together. I knew that Blake would completely embrace Greg: he wants "another man around the house." These two are very similar and very compatible. Anyway, Greg was totally cool with him, showing him good knife technique, having him help make the chowder every step of the way. So cool.

My youngest, Reid, is an extremely charismatic little fellow. It's what keeps you from killing him. :) To Reid, everyone is an old friend. Heck, he might even think he actually knows everyone on the planet. He's such a charmer, maybe he actually does. When I think of one word to describe Reid, it is "irrepressible." That kid has spirit in spades and spades and spades. Hmm, when I think of "irrepressible," I mean it in a very positive sense, but looking at the dictionary definition, it sort of cuts both ways, and both are true for Reid:

ir·re·press·i·ble/ˌiriˈpresəbəl/

Adjective:	Not able to be controlled or restrained.
Synonyms:	ungovernable - uncontrollable

So, having Greg around Reid all weekend, and yes, he did stay all weekend, was extremely trying on my nerves. When Greg walked out the door last night, I felt like dropping to the floor and sobbing. Why? Oh, no real reason. Reid was himself, and that ain't gonna change. He is almost always in a good mood, he is almost always over the top, he is almost always completely unable "to be controlled or restrained."


This is my life. I guess, moving along on Greg's little fast track, he might as well figure out now whether he chooses to participate or not. Still, it was stressful for me. I really should have sent him home on Saturday...he wanted to stay, and OMG, did the kids want him to stay...well, I did, too, but more than that I wanted to dole out my life in smaller doses. I don't know that it would have impacted Greg one way or the other, but it probably would have been easier on me and my nerves.


(Alli, by the way, also likes Greg. She's not WOW'd by him as the boys are, but they really chatted it up this weekend and Alli had her BFF over to check him out, and he got the all-important teenage girl stamp of approval.)


Anyway. Where was I going with all this? Stream of consciousness blogging! It's funny, all this preface about moroseness and self-pity and tissues, and I assure you, the whole weekend was grand. :) OMG, we did FREAKING FREEZE to death at Blake's game yesterday afternoon. Holy crap. So friggin cold.


I guess here's the crux of it. I love my kids to death. What I wouldn't do for them, you just could never know. But parenting exhausts me, and it is stressful and hard. I'm not a pollyanna mom. I am a tired, in way over my head mom. So when I think of someone like Greg, whose kids are older, who is coasting into the "easier part," well, if it were me? I'd run. I honestly do not think I would find a man with three young kids attractive. Of course, I *have* three young kids, so I think in terms of doubling. But for as much as I love my kids - and God, do I ever love them - this is a really challenging time in my life.


I'd run, but I don't think Greg will. He's a thinker, and a planner. Holy smokes, is he a planner. And he's decisive as hell, I'd say. So if he's here - he's here.


Anyway. :) I am one of the most trusting people on the planet, often to my own detriment, but I gotta tell you, in love, I am one of the least trusting people around. So for me, I size up the situation and think, "Why are you here? Why would you want to be here? How long will you stay?" I am totally into him, but I do not attach easily. Or maybe I am attaching, but I also feel incredibly guarded about it. I am working on this, it is my scar from the divorce, and I guess the only way I'll work through it is to just go for it. See, my X was a noncommunicator, and when he said he loved me for almost 18 years, I believed him. I express every little thought and feeling that pops into my head, but he expressed none of them. So when he walked out and told me he didn't love me - hadn't loved me, maybe never had loved me (okay, that one is just something you say in anger, I know that)...well, I was blindsided and I felt like the biggest damn fool alive. Duped. And like I couldn't trust my instincts. Unlovable. Lots and lots of bad stuff. Now - I get that these were his issues, not mine. Because when we tried to reconcile and tried marriage counseling, and that man sat there and said he had lost his head temporarily and that "everything was great," etc. - well, he was just fooling himself. His issues. Not that I didn't bring plenty of my own issues to the marriage - it was bad for a long time and I had not even thought to take the blinders off and really look at it.


I got better at it, because after we split the first time, I started taking a hard look at X and our marriage, and you can bet I figured out that I not only didn't love him, I didn't even like him, and when he balked a few months later, I had NO PROBLEM throwing him out and filing for divorce immediately. I was done. I may question my instincts and have trouble getting my footing, but boy, when I get it, I get it. I'm the decider, baby.


I tell you this, because it is hard for me to look at someone like Greg and think why he would want to be here. And it is hard for me to relax and enjoy it. Hell, most of the time, *I* don't want to be here. :) And so, I turn the overly-scrutinizing eye on myself and my life, and baby, no one is harder on me than me. Instead of thinking what I know I should think, "Hey, he knows the score. Three kids are three kids. They aren't going to be perfect, and they aren't going to be easy all the time. He's a parent, too." Instead, I think, "Oh man, I'm a terrible parent, Reid has got to be driving him insane, what am I thinking, what am I thinking..."


Relax. I'm the world's worst relaxer. Hey, I'm a catch, dammit. Yes, I have three kids, but they are fantastic kids and they also have a great dad they spend half their time with. I'm available half time to be that wildly hot girlfriend you're looking for. ;) I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan...never, ever let you forget you're a man...

I digress. No, everything is fine, the weekend was great, I have no reason to feel unhappy or sad or stressed on this beautiful day. And that commercial really cheered me up, haha. Nonetheless, because I am a worrier and a stresser and I question the sanity of anyone who would want romantic entanglement in my life: well, I'll probably just plug along doing my thing.


Hey - I'm not without my own concerns about him. When I say I'm the world's worst relaxer, I mean it. And he's on the go when it's sunny outside, but this time of year, he's an expert hibernator. It rained all day Saturday, and for him, it was plenty to make the clam chowder and chill out in front of the tv. For me, home is really "home base," the place you go at the end of the day when you've finished going everywhere all day. So I've been a little climbing the walls. Even though I had absolutely nowhere to go, and if I went anywhere I'd be spending money that didn't need to be spent...well, staying home is HARD for me. I feel I can use improvement in this area, however, so I chalk that up to my weakness, not his. This coming weekend, however, we are planning to take Friday off (why oh why have I not saved my vacation time in anticipation of a boyfriend who will take me places??) and go to either the coast or down to Oregon. I'm all about the go, go, go. :)