Tissues.

I don't know why I'm calling this entry "Tissues," but it sure has been stuck in my head for the last couple days, so I'm going to run with it. :) Yesterday when I was thinking about how I'd blog this weekend, I was thinking of calling it "Issues." But it really feels like tissues, as in, I just feel like sitting down and having a good ole sorry for myself cry.

And nothing even happened. :) Greg is fine, everything is fine. I think this is just my time of year - the time of year when, if things are going badly, I'm thinking of slitting my wrists. If things are going well, I guess I limit myself to wanting to sit down and cry my eyes out. This time of year in Seattle, when you almost literally cannot stand another gray, rainy day, but you know you have a good solid month (or more) of them left: well, it's hard to live here. Thankfully we get a couple nice sunny days thrown into the mix, which keeps me off the ledge. Pretty much.

Greg texted that he rode his motorcycle into work today for the first time this year, so you know everyone is feeling the hope of spring around the corner. I am very jealous. Metro swapped us for a short bus today for some stupid reason, so I rode in like a friggin sardine. They've been doing that lately: they better stop, or I'm going to forego my uber-convenient neighborhood bus for the P&R bus.

It was a great good-ish weekend. I had the kids, and I decided it was okay to co-mingle Greg and the kids. It went longer than I had originally planned, which I think everyone enjoyed, but it was hard on me. It was probably too soon for so much time together.

Sidebar: I am feeling pouty and morose and sorry for myself this morning. It will pass. :) But I am going to blog my weepy little heart out and hope that it gets the woe-is-me out of my system! 


Okay. Let's just keep moving. :) Blake's first Little League game of the season was canceled on Saturday due to the torrential rains. Greg planned to come up after the game to make clam chowder with Blake, who has been looking forward to it for daaaaaaaays. When his game was canceled, Blake's first question was, "Will Greg come up earlier to cook?" Yes, he would.

I think I know why I'm feeling so morose. I want this. I seem to have it, but I am afraid of losing my tenuous grasp on a happy new chapter in life. For those of you that know me, you know, THIS IS MY THING. It's a rare person that is so happy it makes them unhappy, haha. Hello, meet FreeJulie. ;)

Greg with the kids? Perfect. Exactly what you would hope, or even dare to dream. Greg teaching Blake how to make clam chowder? If I wasn't falling in love with the guy before, I damn sure am now. I largely stayed out of the way, working on my strawberries I was making for dessert later. O.M.G. were they sweet together. I knew that Blake would completely embrace Greg: he wants "another man around the house." These two are very similar and very compatible. Anyway, Greg was totally cool with him, showing him good knife technique, having him help make the chowder every step of the way. So cool.

My youngest, Reid, is an extremely charismatic little fellow. It's what keeps you from killing him. :) To Reid, everyone is an old friend. Heck, he might even think he actually knows everyone on the planet. He's such a charmer, maybe he actually does. When I think of one word to describe Reid, it is "irrepressible." That kid has spirit in spades and spades and spades. Hmm, when I think of "irrepressible," I mean it in a very positive sense, but looking at the dictionary definition, it sort of cuts both ways, and both are true for Reid:

ir·re·press·i·ble/ˌiriˈpresəbəl/

Adjective:	Not able to be controlled or restrained.
Synonyms:	ungovernable - uncontrollable

So, having Greg around Reid all weekend, and yes, he did stay all weekend, was extremely trying on my nerves. When Greg walked out the door last night, I felt like dropping to the floor and sobbing. Why? Oh, no real reason. Reid was himself, and that ain't gonna change. He is almost always in a good mood, he is almost always over the top, he is almost always completely unable "to be controlled or restrained."


This is my life. I guess, moving along on Greg's little fast track, he might as well figure out now whether he chooses to participate or not. Still, it was stressful for me. I really should have sent him home on Saturday...he wanted to stay, and OMG, did the kids want him to stay...well, I did, too, but more than that I wanted to dole out my life in smaller doses. I don't know that it would have impacted Greg one way or the other, but it probably would have been easier on me and my nerves.


(Alli, by the way, also likes Greg. She's not WOW'd by him as the boys are, but they really chatted it up this weekend and Alli had her BFF over to check him out, and he got the all-important teenage girl stamp of approval.)


Anyway. Where was I going with all this? Stream of consciousness blogging! It's funny, all this preface about moroseness and self-pity and tissues, and I assure you, the whole weekend was grand. :) OMG, we did FREAKING FREEZE to death at Blake's game yesterday afternoon. Holy crap. So friggin cold.


I guess here's the crux of it. I love my kids to death. What I wouldn't do for them, you just could never know. But parenting exhausts me, and it is stressful and hard. I'm not a pollyanna mom. I am a tired, in way over my head mom. So when I think of someone like Greg, whose kids are older, who is coasting into the "easier part," well, if it were me? I'd run. I honestly do not think I would find a man with three young kids attractive. Of course, I *have* three young kids, so I think in terms of doubling. But for as much as I love my kids - and God, do I ever love them - this is a really challenging time in my life.


I'd run, but I don't think Greg will. He's a thinker, and a planner. Holy smokes, is he a planner. And he's decisive as hell, I'd say. So if he's here - he's here.


Anyway. :) I am one of the most trusting people on the planet, often to my own detriment, but I gotta tell you, in love, I am one of the least trusting people around. So for me, I size up the situation and think, "Why are you here? Why would you want to be here? How long will you stay?" I am totally into him, but I do not attach easily. Or maybe I am attaching, but I also feel incredibly guarded about it. I am working on this, it is my scar from the divorce, and I guess the only way I'll work through it is to just go for it. See, my X was a noncommunicator, and when he said he loved me for almost 18 years, I believed him. I express every little thought and feeling that pops into my head, but he expressed none of them. So when he walked out and told me he didn't love me - hadn't loved me, maybe never had loved me (okay, that one is just something you say in anger, I know that)...well, I was blindsided and I felt like the biggest damn fool alive. Duped. And like I couldn't trust my instincts. Unlovable. Lots and lots of bad stuff. Now - I get that these were his issues, not mine. Because when we tried to reconcile and tried marriage counseling, and that man sat there and said he had lost his head temporarily and that "everything was great," etc. - well, he was just fooling himself. His issues. Not that I didn't bring plenty of my own issues to the marriage - it was bad for a long time and I had not even thought to take the blinders off and really look at it.


I got better at it, because after we split the first time, I started taking a hard look at X and our marriage, and you can bet I figured out that I not only didn't love him, I didn't even like him, and when he balked a few months later, I had NO PROBLEM throwing him out and filing for divorce immediately. I was done. I may question my instincts and have trouble getting my footing, but boy, when I get it, I get it. I'm the decider, baby.


I tell you this, because it is hard for me to look at someone like Greg and think why he would want to be here. And it is hard for me to relax and enjoy it. Hell, most of the time, *I* don't want to be here. :) And so, I turn the overly-scrutinizing eye on myself and my life, and baby, no one is harder on me than me. Instead of thinking what I know I should think, "Hey, he knows the score. Three kids are three kids. They aren't going to be perfect, and they aren't going to be easy all the time. He's a parent, too." Instead, I think, "Oh man, I'm a terrible parent, Reid has got to be driving him insane, what am I thinking, what am I thinking..."


Relax. I'm the world's worst relaxer. Hey, I'm a catch, dammit. Yes, I have three kids, but they are fantastic kids and they also have a great dad they spend half their time with. I'm available half time to be that wildly hot girlfriend you're looking for. ;) I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan...never, ever let you forget you're a man...

I digress. No, everything is fine, the weekend was great, I have no reason to feel unhappy or sad or stressed on this beautiful day. And that commercial really cheered me up, haha. Nonetheless, because I am a worrier and a stresser and I question the sanity of anyone who would want romantic entanglement in my life: well, I'll probably just plug along doing my thing.


Hey - I'm not without my own concerns about him. When I say I'm the world's worst relaxer, I mean it. And he's on the go when it's sunny outside, but this time of year, he's an expert hibernator. It rained all day Saturday, and for him, it was plenty to make the clam chowder and chill out in front of the tv. For me, home is really "home base," the place you go at the end of the day when you've finished going everywhere all day. So I've been a little climbing the walls. Even though I had absolutely nowhere to go, and if I went anywhere I'd be spending money that didn't need to be spent...well, staying home is HARD for me. I feel I can use improvement in this area, however, so I chalk that up to my weakness, not his. This coming weekend, however, we are planning to take Friday off (why oh why have I not saved my vacation time in anticipation of a boyfriend who will take me places??) and go to either the coast or down to Oregon. I'm all about the go, go, go. :)