Surly Grrrl

I have been a big crab this week. One, I am ovulating (thanks "iPeriod" app!) and we all know this makes me cranky. Two, I have to have a re-root canal tomorrow morning. That's a root canal on a tooth that has already been root canaled. I am in a fair amount of pain, but mostly I am skeered: the endodontist does not know if I'll be able to keep my tooth. I want my tooth! I have a bone infection and bone loss, and we'll just have to see what happens. I consider this very unfair, as I take great care of my teeth. They, however, are fragile and easily offended, and thus have caused me a fair amount of angst over recent years.

To try to feel better, I have been really focusing on my vitamins and supplements. Not doing an especially good job at taking them, but at least focusing on that fact, haha. No, really, I am getting better. It's just that I am so sensitive to them, I dread taking them. I have found that taking my multi- and iron supplement at night is helping, although I still wake up frequently thinking, "Ouch" and "Blech." My stomach, pre- and post-op, does not approve of iron in any form.

Today I had my first BAD EATING EXPERIENCE in a very long time. I oven roasted some boneless/skinless chicken cutlets last night. Granted, I did overcook them a bit. Even my five-year-old tapped on one and said he wouldn't eat it because "you made it too hard." Hrm. This should have been a warning to me. Today, I gnawed on one for breakfast (it really wasn't that bad, sheesh). As I was eating it, I thought, hmm, that's a little dry. My stomach didn't exactly welcome it without open arms, either. But I was hungry, and stoopid, and I ate it.

Fast forward to when I am fleeing down to SBUX to get something to wash it through my stomach. Or when I laid on the floor to make the pain stop. Or when I went for a walk to make the pain stop. Or when I decided the pain was never going to stop. Or a couple hours later when...the pain didn't stop but at least mostly subsided.

Okay. Duly noted. Stomach does not like overly dry meat.

Melancholy

Since I removed that Mirena IUD I am noticing an interesting pattern the last couple months. This isn't weight loss related, but it's part of that whole process and thus, I'm making the observation here for posterity.

So, I went back to regular cycles immediately in my post-IUD life, which was nice, considering I'd pretty much been having my period non-stop since surgery prior to that, blech. And last month and this, when I am coming up on ovulation (thank you, super handy "iPeriod" app for my iPhone!), I get...

wait for it...

it's not what you're expecting (wuhl, unless you made a mental note of the title of this blog entry, duh)...

Melancholy.

Maybe, what I'm really getting is all the amped up hormonal find-a-mate-make-a-baby instinctual stuff, but since I don't have a mate...well, it's manifesting itself as melancholy.

Lonely, isolated, sad. Intensely so. Easily hurt. Quick to feel rejected.

I don't like feeling like this. I suppose it's good to be experiencing my normal cycles, but if this is what the week of ovulation is going to feel like, I gotta say I'm not loving the experience. It's interesting, at least, to be able to tie it so directly to the calendar. Look at me, learning from my body! Yay!

Today I have just been fragile. I am not usually fragile. :) I sent my buddy a text with a picture of my melty-and-about-to-toss frozen chocolate yogurt, saying "I prefer my men chocolatey but my froyo less so," which just CRACKED ME UP and oh gosh, she is probably WORKING but nonetheless, not hearing back from her was just the final nail in the coffin today. (And yes, I think in a strange instinctual self-protection mode, the men I am generally attracted to now are the POLAR OPPOSITES of my ex-husband, haha, and it's not by design. Interesting, yes?)

My massage therapist (himself a delicious chocolatey treat since he is also a yoga instructor - my first yoga instructor from way back, actually, and still my favorite), whom I just look forward to seeing so much every week, broke up with his longtime girlfriend and even though we had a great discussion about the merits of ending such relationships, it furthered my sad mood, instead of boosting me up as these appointments always do.

Anyway, there are my observations. Days like these remind me that it hasn't been all that long that my life has been feeling put back together and on a good track of happiness. I am okay with that, as I know I've come so far! But I am trying to figure out my body's patterns and head off moods like today's. It's good to at least understand what's happening, though.

Oh! Tonight will be fun. This was a good story - earlier this week my buddy and I were talking about doing something on Thursday night. I am kid free and neither of us had plans. We talked about how my moving expenses are going to be such a killer, and we needed to do something free or cheap. I said, "Well, let's just plan on getting together, something free or cheap will come up."

And wah-lah! Yesterday morning she asks if I want to go see "Guys and Dolls" at the 5th Avenue Theater in Seattle tonight. (Hmm, not really, but I'm sure it will be great once I get there! I had the same hesitation about seeing "Chicago" last year and it was wonderful.) The price? Free! Her brother couldn't go and passed the tickets on to us.

Naturally, I said that we had put it out into the universe and were rewarded with free tickets. So...the next logical thing to say was, "I sure am looking forward to meeting the rich - oh hell, not even rich, just self-sufficient is good - man of my dreams this week!"

We'll see. I haven't stumbled onto him yet, but I did mention to the universe that I'm planning a July 2013 or 2014 wedding. My buddy is on board, too, and we agreed on a double wedding in the Bahamas or Virgin Islands.

Hey - ya gotta put it out there, anyway. ;)