Melancholy

Since I removed that Mirena IUD I am noticing an interesting pattern the last couple months. This isn't weight loss related, but it's part of that whole process and thus, I'm making the observation here for posterity.

So, I went back to regular cycles immediately in my post-IUD life, which was nice, considering I'd pretty much been having my period non-stop since surgery prior to that, blech. And last month and this, when I am coming up on ovulation (thank you, super handy "iPeriod" app for my iPhone!), I get...

wait for it...

it's not what you're expecting (wuhl, unless you made a mental note of the title of this blog entry, duh)...

Melancholy.

Maybe, what I'm really getting is all the amped up hormonal find-a-mate-make-a-baby instinctual stuff, but since I don't have a mate...well, it's manifesting itself as melancholy.

Lonely, isolated, sad. Intensely so. Easily hurt. Quick to feel rejected.

I don't like feeling like this. I suppose it's good to be experiencing my normal cycles, but if this is what the week of ovulation is going to feel like, I gotta say I'm not loving the experience. It's interesting, at least, to be able to tie it so directly to the calendar. Look at me, learning from my body! Yay!

Today I have just been fragile. I am not usually fragile. :) I sent my buddy a text with a picture of my melty-and-about-to-toss frozen chocolate yogurt, saying "I prefer my men chocolatey but my froyo less so," which just CRACKED ME UP and oh gosh, she is probably WORKING but nonetheless, not hearing back from her was just the final nail in the coffin today. (And yes, I think in a strange instinctual self-protection mode, the men I am generally attracted to now are the POLAR OPPOSITES of my ex-husband, haha, and it's not by design. Interesting, yes?)

My massage therapist (himself a delicious chocolatey treat since he is also a yoga instructor - my first yoga instructor from way back, actually, and still my favorite), whom I just look forward to seeing so much every week, broke up with his longtime girlfriend and even though we had a great discussion about the merits of ending such relationships, it furthered my sad mood, instead of boosting me up as these appointments always do.

Anyway, there are my observations. Days like these remind me that it hasn't been all that long that my life has been feeling put back together and on a good track of happiness. I am okay with that, as I know I've come so far! But I am trying to figure out my body's patterns and head off moods like today's. It's good to at least understand what's happening, though.

Oh! Tonight will be fun. This was a good story - earlier this week my buddy and I were talking about doing something on Thursday night. I am kid free and neither of us had plans. We talked about how my moving expenses are going to be such a killer, and we needed to do something free or cheap. I said, "Well, let's just plan on getting together, something free or cheap will come up."

And wah-lah! Yesterday morning she asks if I want to go see "Guys and Dolls" at the 5th Avenue Theater in Seattle tonight. (Hmm, not really, but I'm sure it will be great once I get there! I had the same hesitation about seeing "Chicago" last year and it was wonderful.) The price? Free! Her brother couldn't go and passed the tickets on to us.

Naturally, I said that we had put it out into the universe and were rewarded with free tickets. So...the next logical thing to say was, "I sure am looking forward to meeting the rich - oh hell, not even rich, just self-sufficient is good - man of my dreams this week!"

We'll see. I haven't stumbled onto him yet, but I did mention to the universe that I'm planning a July 2013 or 2014 wedding. My buddy is on board, too, and we agreed on a double wedding in the Bahamas or Virgin Islands.

Hey - ya gotta put it out there, anyway. ;)

Workout Plan for the Week / Recap of Last Week

Last week:
Sunday - 90 minutes vinyasa yoga, making up for last week
Monday - 40 flights in a row = 800 stairs
Tuesday - 800 contiguous stairs :)
Wednesday - 800 stairs
Thursday - 800 stairs, 90 minutes vinyasa yoga
Friday - 5x240 stairs (was by myself that day)
Saturday - nada

This week:
Monday - 800 stairs
Tuesday - 800 stairs
Wednesday - 800 stairs, 1 hour deep water aerobics
Thursday - 800 stairs, 90 min vinyasa yoga
Friday - 800 stairs

I'm struggling with the evening classes on nights I have the kids. I think I will think of the classes as a way to get my butt motivated, but not a long-term workout plan for me. As it stands, I am missing half the water aerobic classes, it is just not worth the expense! Oh well, live and learn. I am enjoying the classes and getting a lot out of them when I can make it.

My weight is 210.3, so I am holding steady. I am experiencing what I found online is called the "Mirena Crash," effects of removing the IUD. I'm glad I took it out - I guess I must be very sensitive to the hormones. On Saturday, I felt very weepy out of the blue - just driving home, in the sun. I have been super, super tired and unmotivated this weekend. I'm glad to get back to work to force my butt to keep moving. Basically, this weekend, I adhered to my plans: movie with a friend Saturday, "9 to 5" theater performance yesterday. Other than that, my butt was stuck to the couch.

And eating. My appetite has been out of control - I am really struggling with nighttime eating, and eating to overfullness. I am not sure why I am so hard-wired to do this! I always struggle with nighttime eating, but since the IUD removal I think the hormones play into it a bit. I have been wanting CHOCOLATE, and sweets. I almost never crave chocolate or even sweets. The battle makes me very unhappy, because it's my same old patterns, albeit on a much different scale. But I will eat to fullness, have regret, then allow some time to pass and eat again. Last night it was salami and crispy breadsticks, then later artichoke hearts. It's not *what* I'm eating, or how much (since I really can't eat much). What upsets me is the a) feeling of loss of control, b) repeating behaviors that made me obese, c) eating when not hungry - I think it's emotional, but I can't figure out what emotion is driving it (e.g. no particular terrible things going on).

Still bleeding heavily - I *pray* this doesn't go on for six weeks like last time. I genuinely feel like I've been on my period since I had my surgery. I am utterly exhausted with it. I have gotten lax with taking my pills and my vitamins and I need to get back on it! I don't think it's a coincidence that I am feeling so tired and run down. Or, if it is all related to the IUD, for instance, if I were taking the damn pills, at least I would know that for sure!

Oh - on a good note, I was largely impervious to Easter candy this year! :) There are a couple that are a major weakness for me, but I didn't pay them no mind this year, and I'm glad for it!