Get Your Freak On

Freak-out Weight: 145
Starting Weight: 151.8
Today's Weight: 148.9
Freak Status: Still Freaked

Mmmm, yum, protein shakes. Lurve them. Well, you can't say they don't work, anyway! I had protein shakes all day followed by "a sensible dinner" (I am imitating the Slim Fast commercials here, haha). Then I followed that with some popcorn, because well, I can't seem to go to bed without snacking. Sheesh.

No jelly beans yesterday. Not a single one. And today, I subconsciously almost grabbed an Almond Joy off a coworker's candy dish, but my brain kicked in at the last minute and I saved myself.

I gotta tell you, I'm having a bit of man drama. I can't even formulate a coherent thought on this one. Mr. Wonderful is still wonderful. He is sooooooooooo wonderful. He loves me. He loves me sooooooooooo much. He has continued to propel this new relationship along at rocket speed, and I have been dragging my heels in the dirt, urging him to slow down and relax and enjoy where we're at NOW.

He is supportive to the nth degree.

I know it's not right to compare men, but I have to say that Mr. W is not unlike my X in many ways. Very loving and very supportive. Waiting for direction on how to best serve.

Here's the thing. This is probably a very bad dynamic for me. I am positive it was with my X. He only wanted to love and help, and I am a very strong personality (SAY WHA??). There is a common denominator to the people that I am most close to in life. It's a straight-talking, no bullisht, I don't know, independence, maybe?

Anyway, poor X, he is such a good man and in later years of our marriage, I really had lost all respect for him and really steamrolled him in a lot of ways. He was like another child for me, and well, I'm not the most patient of mothers, anyway. Frequently in over my head with parenting. My children are really being raised like little adults, eep.

Needing to direct X's activities and such exhausted me. Mr. W is really seeming to be this way, too. Waiting for my leadership. I'll tell you, there was a snapping point in my mind recently. We were having dinner and some reference was made to me having three kids. And he said, "well, four, really..." and raised his hand.

SRSLY.

Here's the thing. You cannot say a less sexy thing to me than to lump yourself in as one of my kids, even in jest. You simply cannot say it. And the LAST time he made this "joke," I told him, "You must never say that again. I do not find it remotely funny or attractive."

And he said it again.

One time, I was seeing this man, I called him my FB and I will leave it to your grown-up imaginations what that might have meant. It was right at the time of my divorce. We were friends, but only friends. And one time he made some reference to how I could be his sugar mama and take care of him, and he would just keep me happy. I told him, then, over four years ago now...you cannot say a less sexy thing to me than for me to take care of you. I am so maxed out, the very idea of taking care of someone else is appalling.

He had the good wisdom to never say anything like that again. Mr. W. did not. I am looking for a partner, not a child. Not a man-servant (this is something I struggle with, too, as Mr. W seems dedicated to service and pleasing, and I am not a good person for this sort of thing). He loves to say he serves as "ground support" for various friends on events like cycling or running or whatever. I have no use for ground support.

I am stressed. A break up would be very messy and heartbreaking for both of us. But I can't go into a relationship where he's not an equal. I need to have a lot of respect for my partner, and while there are so many things I admire Mr. W for, this subservient thing is not for me at all.

Deep sigh.

Later, I'll tell you about the flip side of my man-conundrum, in which a villainous character has re-emerged from the dusty pages of this blog...