Deja Vu All Over Again

Starting weight: 151.8
Freakout weight: 145
Today's weight: 149.5
Freakout factor: Irritated, seeking instant gratification for enduring protein shakes for two days

Do you believe people can change? I don't, really. I know that fundamentally I have simply not changed who I am my whole life. I am less judgmental about parenting than I was many years ago. :) But even that, true to my nature, didn't change until after I had experienced it myself. I'm not a terribly empathetic person, I'm afraid. I have a hard time putting myself in someone else's shoes. But once I've been there - I am understanding.

Anyway, I don't put a lot of stock in people changing. I do, however, know when I am being true to myself and when I am not. I know when I am offering up "unvarnished Julie" and when I am, for whatever reason, stifling myself. With my friends and family, I am the real deal. Julie Unmasked, haha.

When I went out with Greg, I was not myself. It wasn't a conscious decision, but it was something I had acknowledged to myself. I had my reasons. Greg was my first post-divorce real boyfriend (not just these onesy-twosy dates I had been on so many of) and I wanted to keep him. I fell for him hard and fast. He represented so much of what I want in a partner: smoking hot chemistry, security, stability, capability (Greg is the most *capable* man I have ever met, perhaps second only to my daddy, haha. No issues there. Nope, not here.)

Anyway, I had a tenuous on Greg from the start and I wanted to keep it. I was not skilled at dating, nor was I used to being considered attractive by men since my marriage ended and I had lost all that weight. I did not feel good about my body, and frankly, I still do find my past obesity a bit embarrassing and shameful. We all have our baggage.

Greg was probably the *worst* person for me to date. I felt he brought a lot to the table, and while, intellectually, I know I do, too, I also overemphasize my "baggage." He was also newly divorced and he is not a very flexible person. Plus, he is very direct, or blunt, even. I figured out after some time and thought that he sort of offers a running narrative of his thoughts. He lacks filters, I'd say. I cannot condemn this in him because I have almost no filters myself.

Where I blew it is that my desire to keep him at all costs made me stifle myself and my own thoughts. I pulled my very dusty and unused filters off the shelf and implemented them. I let Greg's narrative about my body and weight history go without a lot of righteous indignation. I wanted *him* more than I wanted *me,* I think. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to feel loved again. I still struggled with feelings of regret from my marriage and things I did not do to preserve it, and I wanted a chance to show that I wouldn't blow it again. I overshot.

I pandered to him, in other words. If you knew me (I think you probably have a pretty good sense of me from this blog, haha) in person, you would know that this is utterly unlike me. And I suffered for it. Especially when he dumped me and then I was pissed about being dumped and pissed about not being myself with him.

What has changed since then is that I am comfortable, if not happy (okay, not happy, per se), being single. I have dated enough men now to know that it's a mixed bag. If I could take Greg and Mr. W and put them in a man-blender, I'd come up with the perfect concoction. I trust myself to walk away from bad connections: remember  the Navy guy who was rich and fell for me so fast? I walked away, and it's hard to walk away from rich, haha.

I've learned from Mr. W, because he is as crazy about me as I was about Greg. It's suffocating and can be annoying. It's hard to remember what a good person he is sometimes, because I feel like I can't breathe.

Well, you might have guessed by now that Greg is back in the picture. He contacted me around Christmas - did I blog about that? Oh yes, I did. Oh BOY, did I have some choice words for him. He contacted me again in February (I ignored) and then again last week. I'm not sure why I responded to him this time.

I guess I know why I responded to him. I had just told a friend the week before that part of the reason I'm struggling with Mr. W. is because I'm not over Greg. On March 14th I texted with a friend in order to keep MYSELF from texting Greg out of the blue after all these months.

I don't know where this will go. He has said everything you would expect him to say: he's sorry, he loves me, he wants me back, he was a fool, etc. No point in elaborating because he's saying exactly what you would say if you wanted someone to take you back. :)

I've met him a couple times, briefly. I am mourning the fact that Mr. W. and I have never had (on my end) the crazy electric chemistry that I have always had with Greg. Even just sitting with him, I couldn't look him in the eye and say I didn't have feelings for him anymore. (I did not say that I did have feelings, haha.)

We've talked a lot. Do I believe him? I believe he believes he is telling the truth. I told him I still have three young kids (his two are nearly grown). That he is still a neat freak and I am still a slob. That my body is my body and my past is my past.

Yesterday he paid me a compliment and I told him the only thing he gets to say about my body from now on is, "Damn, you are HOT!" or similar things. He very much agreed.

Right now I'm in a holding pattern. I don't want to make a move with either man. I am sort of exhausted with Mr. W, which I had already conveyed to him before Greg contacted me. He is very sweetly and very appropriately cooling his jets a little (a lot) which I appreciate. I had a revelation last night or this morning in that sort of sleeping-but-awake time. Being with Mr. W would be a decision that I would make with my head. Being with Greg would be a decision that I would make with my heart. Both are great men who bring a lot of the same things to a relationship. They are on opposite ends of the spectrum on some stuff: Mr. W loving me unconditionally and Greg having a lot of issues wrapped up in whatever he's wrapped up in. You can believe me when I say we're discussing this a lot.

Anyway, no sudden moves. I am seeing Greg tomorrow and Mr. W tonight and on Saturday and I am keeping them both on the back burner, sort of in a holding pattern with each of them for various reasons.

It's also "funny" in that with Mr. W, I am consumed by not wanting to hurt him, and with Greg, I am wary of him hurting me. I'm not terribly concerned about that, though, because I am looking at him with a completely different set of lenses. I'm excited to be around him, but I'm not blindly chasing after him like I did, either.

Edited to add: I know long-time readers are saying "WTF ARE YOU THINKING??" and I can own that, no problem. First, I haven't made any decisions. Second, I promise not to be one of "those women" that goes back into a bad relationship, or stays in a bad relationship. I'm smart. I'm not desperate. I won't do anything stupid, I promise. More on the pros and cons next time, when I hopefully also get to update you that my freakout weight is dropping, not raising, as it did today. :)