Don't Blow It, Girl

When you are planning WLS, and reading the WLS forums (myself, I always read obesityhelp.com), devouring every written word about your upcoming life change...it doesn't seem real. Sure, you read about "honeymoon periods" and how a year out, you can eat so much more than at three months out, etc.

And you think, "Nah, that won't be me."

Uh, sister, it's you. Granted, for sure, I still have incredible "restriction" with my sleeve. I'm not going to sit down and chow down on a big meal. Or if I do, I won't get very far. :)

But I still battle the boredom eating, the bedtime eating, the eating until overstuffed. And it's winter time, so I think my body thinks I'm getting ready to hibernate. My lowest weight I reached was 151.x (I don't keep track of the tenths - if the big number changes, that counts!). A couple days ago I was at 155.x and today at 154.x. Slippery slope ahead, woman, watch out!!

At this point, I'm not terribly worried. I'm having surgery on Thursday, after all, and I think that will do a fair amount to curb my eating and alcohol consumption, for a few days, anyway! Hanging out with Cappy has done a lot to increase my liquid calorie intake, a major red flag. Lots of empty alcohol calories being consumed.

Here, I'll just note that drinking post-WLS is an interesting animal. I have to really watch myself, for several reasons:

- I am 112 pounds lighter than I was, and thus not used to drinking at this smaller size;
- I don't eat very much, which equates to pretty much always drinking on an empty stomach;
- The sleeved stomach behaves differently when it comes to processing alcohol, I believe; and
- I don't eat/drink a lot of sweets, so yummy fruity flavored beverages taste soooo good, it's easy to overindulge!

Okay, so it's important to check myself before I wreck myself. I'm not down to my goal weight yet, and even though that is just a number, I am not satisfied with my body size at this time. I wonder how much of that would change with plastic surgery? I have to say...and here I'll throw in the standard disclaimer of "I'd rather have loose skin than the fat that caused it"...ugh, my naked body is the stuff of nightmares. :| Eep. It's amazing how GOOD you can feel about something, and how BAD, too!

Along the dating front, Cappy and I are still spending nearly all my free time together and having a blast. Gosh, I like him. It is not the wild romance I'm looking for, but I do not think I have ever enjoyed myself so much with a man before. He is fun and funny and smart and interesting. I have a feeling this will play itself out here sometime, but I am enjoying myself very much in the meantime. It's okay if it doesn't work out: there are some obstacles that I am not sure we'll overcome. But for now, I'm willing to let it ride, as I truly enjoy being with him so much. If nothing else, he has been a great re-introduction into serious dating, and an inspiration to the fact that there are great men out there, just waiting to be found.

I'm not writing him off. It's more of a struggle than I would like, but I have this prevailing sense that he is worth the effort and patience. I kid you not - I don't think you could find a nicer guy. Here, I struggle with whether to let this be my WLS blog or my life blog...

Oh, and dating him is notable for my own post-WLS body concerns and fears. UGH, the LOOSE SKIN! I swear, the first time I was naked I felt like saying, "Look, I know this warrants an explanation." I am feeling very badly about it right now. The big turkey waddle under my chin, the crepe paper boobs, the horrific hanging stomach. The batwings. The wrinkly upper thighs. It is all painful to think about, and today is not a day when I'm celebrating all the successes that led to this loose skin.

It's not a sexy-time day, in other words. Today I am feeling...old. A little despondent over a lifetime of damage to the one body I get. A little paranoid about, "hmm, just how horrific is it for this poor guy to see me naked?"

I had a longtime lover, previously, who was with me when I was 263+ pounds and was with me until not all that long ago at one of my lowest weights in many years. It was a torrid affair. But the thing that I got out of it was this guy made me feel sexier than hell at my highest weight and at my lowest. Damn - my weight or loose skin didn't even occur to me when we were together. I'm trying to tap into that mental energy - that sexiness and desirability and *confidence* that exists when you are feeling great and not beating yourself up over your flaws. My feelings of attractiveness and confidence with him weren't *created* by him, it was an energy that I was allowing myself to feel and enjoy.

Anyway, none of this has anything to do with Cappy, except that I really do feel badly about my body right now. And that has nothing to do with him, either, it's all me, baby.

Hey! Good news, though! My coworker brought in a MASSIVE BAG of clothes for me today!! WOW!! And she's young and hot - so they are all Banana Republic, Abercrombie, Kenneth Cole, HOLY SMOKES!! Jeans and shorts and slacks and dresses and cute tops...WOW!! I should get off my mopey butt and go try on some of these clothes in the restroom, that will probably have me feeling a lot better! Sexy mama! Fashionable mama!!