Wednesday Weigh-In

Nothing too far one way or the other this week, I'd say. My eating wasn't great, nor terrible. I got a little exercise, but not much. I did do two miles on the treadmill during Reid's swim lesson on Monday. This was somewhat revolutionary in that I have always told myself I don't have time to work out during his lesson. But really, Reid went to the pool and I went to the cardio room. I was able to watch him, in little glimpses, from the windows overlooking the pool.

Side note: mostly what I saw him doing as he reached the end of the pool (the only part I could see from my vantage) was look around for me. Oops. This was a very spur of the moment work out, and I had dropped him off at the door with his sister before parking. She went up to work out and I thought, "Hey, I can do that!" Not the best parental communication. But, typical of my lone wolf youngest, he just swam his little heart out, got to the end of the pool, looked around for me, and kept swimming. My Alli would have gotten out of the pool and waited for me. My Blake would have gotten out of the pool, searched the building and called 911 when he didn't find me right away. But Reid? "Eh. She'll be back." And about a third of they way through his lesson, I saw him have a moment of "I'm sure she's not upstairs working out - she doesn't do THAT anymore - but I'll look up, anyway..." and he saw me furiously waving at him from the treadmill high above. The Case of the Disappearing Mother: solved.

Okay, so I did two miles in 24 minutes during lessons, a mixture of walking, brisk walking and running. Umm, I should have done more walking, as while the running felt GREAT, I pulled and overstretched all sorts of leg muscles that have been dormant since October or so. I have been paying the price since then, but my plan is to get back on that ole dreadmill tonight during his lesson again. (This time I'll tell him where I'm going.)

Because body image is all about the mental aspect of "if you are being good, you feel good, and if you are being bad, you feel bad..." I liked what I saw when I checked myself out in the locker room mirrors. Hey, good looking! You still got it!

The next day, yesterday, I skipped lunch with friends because my thighs were so fat, it would be a terrible embarrassment to take them out in public.

The lesson I am trying to take from this is that when I am exercising regularly, I feel ridiculously good about my body. It felt GREAT to run on the treadmill - really, much too fast for me, but really great, nonetheless. I was a rock star in my own mind. Immediately after, I saw X's aunt at the drug store - I haven't seen her since the divorce or my weight loss. She said all sorts of nice things about how I looked, and I felt them all.

Twenty-four minutes. That's all it took to make me feel so awesome. I wore the clothes I wore to work. No fancy running shoes, just my tennies. (Oops, don't do that again, I got a blister, too.) But the effects were short-lived! Barely eighteen hours later and I was fat-shaming myself and eating a brownie because I wanted to feel better and I had already destroyed my body, so what does one more brownie hurt?

Julieeeeeee, you are so smart...you know all the things about what you need to do here....you know what it feels like to feel good and bad, skinny and fat, healthy and sloth. You know how to eat and exercise. Doooooooooooooooooo iiiiitttttttt.

Oh, here's the scale. Well, I held my own, anyway.

I swear I hold the phone the same way every time,
but it's a mystery what orientation the photos will pop in here.

Wednesday Weigh - In: Breaking Point

Ugh, I am fighting depression, hard. What happens to me, physiologically, this time of year? The weather in Seattle has been very cold but sunny. I expect I'm not getting enough light, but it doesn't seem like I'm being shortchanged *that* much!

A very tough week at home, and a very overwhelming couple of weeks at work as I've filled in for my boss. For the first time in the longest time at work, I was utterly stymied with how to complete a project. What a bad feeling that was! My eight year old, Reid, has been very uber-challenging lately, while at the same time making huge strides at school. Greg's mom went into the hospital unexpectedly with heart problems and he has been down in Oregon with her all week. He and I are not doing great right now. Well, he and I are fine, but he continues to struggle with some aspects of living with kids, and I am torn between the realities of there being some improvements we can make, but mostly, kids are kids. These are very, very good kids, but they are definitely kids. It's a take or leave situation. (I assured him, though, that if he leaves, I will never take his call again. There will be no Greg v3.0, haha.)

2014 looms ahead, and I wonder what the New Year will bring us?

I had a bad episode of binge eating on Monday night. It was the weirdest thing, although not anything I haven't experienced before. I took a muscle relaxant before bed as I was having a rare occurrence of back pain. The pill kicked in and in a semi-sleeping state, I chowed down on nearly a whole bag of potato chips and I don't remember what else. I used to take ambien and especially back last January when I hurt my jaw, I was taking these muscle relaxants regularly. For whatever reason, both medications (if taken around bed time, in the case of the muscle relaxants) trigger binge eating in me. Night time eating has always been my biggest downfall. It's interesting that with Greg in the house, I rarely, if ever, munch at night. And as soon as he left the house, the beast was unleashed, hahaha.

It's been a very bad eating week, actually. I started off strong, but a night out with the girls to dinner and a movie on Friday, followed by a very bad Sunday at home, followed by Greg being out of town...well, things fell apart quickly. Wheat thins, potato chips (which I *never* crave), Lindt truffles, and pepperoni sticks were my nemeses of choice.

Okay. What needs to be done here is a pulling oneself up by one's boot straps. Soldier on. While I am feeling very whiny about my life, there's not actually much to whine about. It's a combination of my struggles with this time of year, my generally melodramatic ways and overly active imagination, and life. Not a bad life, just life.

Today, I wore fake Uggs (thank you Grocery Outlet for your $9.99 fake Uggs that my daughter was begging me to give her, haha) with my yoga pants and hoodie. Sabrina, whom you may remember is in charge of my regirlification, saw the Uggs and said, "I'm giving you to the end of the year to turn this around. No more yoga pants, no more bedroom slippers. I want to see Pretty Julie again. I have been very patient." Haha, she is right. I have been slumming it more and more. My hair is a mess (growing out those damn bangs, remember). My clothes don't fit. All my beautiful tall boots - won't fit over my fat calves.

Pulling myself out of the slump - without hard work and concentrated effort, I know it only gets worse from here, not better. This isn't something I can just wait for it to pass, unfortunately.

So, all this a long prelude to here's a picture from the ufcking scale this morning:

Puke.

And just to end things on a positive note, here's a picture of the sunrise out my office window this morning. It was glorious!

You could hear the angels playing their harps, I swear.

Accountability - Food Tracking

Making myself get on the scale and post my weight here each week will do worlds for my accountability. Already, even though I have not seen good results on the scale, haha, I am thinking about that scale photo often during the week.

I've taken another small step toward accountability and hopefully weight loss success. I re-installed that darn MyFitnessPal app on my phone, and I logged in online. Updated my weight, logged my breakfast this morning. Deleted all my "friends" - this was a big part of why I didn't like the app. I hated getting the notifications "so and so hasn't logged in for three days - they might need encouragement." I hated my notifications going out to everyone else. It was NOT motivating for me. Somehow, I was sure I could turn these off, but I never bothered to look. :) I changed my own settings, and by deleting my friend list (none of whom had logged in for months, anyway), I think I've gotten it down to the bare bones "track my food, exercise and weight" that I need it to be.

To successfully lose weight and maintain weight loss, I will probably have to consistently track my eating. I almost wrote "forever," but that gave me an instantly very depressing feeling. :( I hate food tracking with a purple passion. And yet, therein lies success, doesn't it?? Honesty. Acknowledgement of what I'm eating. The pounds slip back on when I allow myself to think "oh, I mostly eat very well." Lies! Damnable lies! :)

I eat tootsie rolls. Peppermint patties. Hershey's Kisses. These are all what's available in my coworker friend's candy jar right now, haha. Mini pretzels. When in my life did I ever eat mini pretzels, and now they are like food from the gods. Deep sigh.

Since Greg and I have been back together, I have gotten into his practical and frugal habit of bringing my lunch nearly every day. The problem? I think I am hungry in the morning, and usually find myself eating my lunch before 10 a.m.! Then I buy lunch! Ack! Counter-productive!! I am eating and spending much more than I otherwise would.

Yesterday, I had the brilliant idea that I cannot bring lunch from home anymore. If the food is not available, I won't eat it, right? And because it takes me a little while to get there, my later thoughts were, "Wait, I could bring lunch and not eat it before lunch time..." which was followed by the argument, "But it's right there, and I am hungry..." to which I countered, "You could put your lunch in the break room fridge and not allow yourself to eat it before lunch." Checkmate. I am soooo smart, sometimes even I am astounded, haha. Yes, usually I keep my lunch right at my desk so anytime my tummy says, "grumble," I am ready and able to stuff my gob.

Today's lunch is in the break room fridge. :) I will not starve to death, even though my tummy has already said I will.

As part of my reacquaintance with MyFitnessPal, I updated my profile picture there. Well, sort of updated. I used a cropped version of this picture, from when I felt great about my weight and body. Not about my saggy tummy skin, haha, but I felt great at this size. Everything worked. Incidentally, I also felt great about Greg's weight at that time, hahaha. I emailed him the picture this morning and maybe he will be inspired to remember that weight. I'd say we're both up 20 pounds from this time back in April 2012.

Motivating picture.

This is the other photo I'm using to motivate myself. It's not a great picture of either of us (as you can't tell who it is, haha), but look how TINY I am. It's also from April 2012, I was about 140 pounds.

I reached my goal weight on 7/31/12...here's a pic. Here's also one from what I want the scale to say again. :)

Goal weight day! 

Alright, I see where I ufcked up. Let's just get this train back on the rails and get moving again. This wasn't that long ago, I can get back here again!

Wednesday Weigh-in: Week Three

When I first got on the scale this morning, I thought my weight held steady this week, but I see that is not the case. Regardless, we're going to call it a win "not loss" because a) it was Thanksgiving Week and I did have two full Thanksgiving dinners, b) the very last thing in the world I wanted to do this morning was get on the scale post a picture of my weight here, but I did it anyway, and c) I have been under a tremendous amount of stress at home with my children and my X (admittedly, some of this stress is self-imposed, haha. Oh, and d) due to this stress and Kim's birthday, I sort of fell into a bottle of wine on Sunday night and drank more than I have in a very long time while we sat on the phone for over an hour laughing and talking. I drank enough that every time I open the fridge and see the remaining wine, my lip spontaneously curls into a sneer, like my old dog Harley did every time you showed him a bottle of Bitter Apple spray. As Greg says, "little people can't drink big bottles of wine." Duly noted, sir.

This is how wine makes me feel. And the scale, too.

Alright, let's just be done with it. Here's my weight for the week:

Apparently, we will always have to turn our heads sideways to see my weight on the blog.
No matter which way I rotate the picture, this is the way it posts, haha.

Wednesday Weigh-In (Urgh. Blech. Retch.)

Oh fine, whatever. Whatever. Jeez.

In my defense My excuses for the week are that we had early Thanksgiving at my parents' on Sunday. I made three pies. Last night I drank way too much wine and maybe I was bloaty.

Mostly, though, I am not exercising and my eating sucks.

The First Step is the Hardest

Ugh, I made myself get on the scale this morning. With a camera in my hand, even! I have been avoiding the scale for weeks now...months, even. I had weighed myself probably three weeks ago and told myself I would weigh myself again "after I've been eating well for a few days."

Well, you know how that goes. My clothes get more and more uncomfortable, I get more and more sad and frustrated, and wah-lah, the scale grows dusty in the bathroom corner.

I'm also calling to make an appointment with my GYN. I was complaining to a friend that I think I'm pre-menopausal (at 43??). I have been getting my damn period (or "flowers," as I have been thinking of it, since I've been reading a fictional book about the life of Josephine Bonaparte, and that's how they refer to it) every two weeks for months now. Blech. My smart friend suggested that perhaps this was worth checking out with a doctor. I will, but I hope it doesn't rob me of my excuse for sitting at her desk scarfing tootsie rolls out of her candy bowl all afternoon! Mmmm, chocolate... 

You may recall that quite some time ago, I had a uterine ablation to deliver a cease and desist order to my overactive uterine lining. It failed, apparently. :) My periods are quite light, but still there, and ever so frequent.

I'm stalling. Who wants to pull up that nasty a$$ picture and look at that ugly number again, bah.

Okay, here goes. Ufck. Pardon my French.

No amount of file manipulation will let me rotate this picture. 

Shake it off. I'm confronting the problem, and the hardest part was getting back on that damn scale. I'll post weekly weigh-in pictures moving forward. I got this.

Tomorrow I'll write a bit about my plan to turn this around. It goes beyond bitching and moaning, haha.

Accountability - Putting it out there

Ack! Things are falling apart here, and I am facing my own demons, realizing the path I am on is a familiar one when it comes to stress, laziness, boredom, and the onset of winter. :)

Thank you, Sheila at This One Body for checking in on me. I have probably a half dozen "draft" blog entries written that I never finished and thus, never posted. I should just start writing shorter blog entries, haha.

Let's see. I have been gaining a lot of weight. Who would have thought this would be possible for me to allow myself to do this, after going through weight loss surgery and very expensive tummy tuck plastic surgery? I am very disappointed in myself.

Excuses:
- G is a phenomenal cook who has been home from work for awhile, following knee surgery. Every dinner is on par with Thanksgiving dinner, it seems like.
- Have I ever, ever, ever told you how much I hate winter? Cold and wet are insufferable to me. And lady, we're just getting started!
- X and I have been battling a fair amount over joint custody issues. We're not really *battling,* I suppose, but we are both struggling and it is really hard and stressful. This is the first time in the four years since we split that I have consulted an attorney.
- I am lazy. I need to find a winter pasttime, because I do not want to do anything outside (unless it is sunny and I am guaranteed not to get cold).
- I realize, and accept, that for me to be really engaged in activity, I need a "spark plug." When I was with Mr. W, I would have toughed out bike riding in the crummy weather. I have always been sure that if I had a local running buddy, I would get more running done.
- I have all but given up on pushing my daughter to work out. She is busy with her first year in high school, her first regular babysitting gig, her debate club practices, volunteering, etc. And, like me, she doesn't prioritize exercise all that high. She needs a spark plug, too, but I am not that spark plug.

Meh. It will all work out. I am trying to work up the courage to do like one of my other favorite blogs, Runs for Cookies, and post a weekly weigh-in photo. It appears to be the only way I'll get myself on that friggin' scale. I haven't been on it in probably three weeks, and now I am too skeered. My clothes are all so damn tight, too. Bah.

Whine, whine, whine. I am struggling right now, that's not unusual for me this time of year. I will figure it out. :)

On a positive note, a woman in my office is having WLS (bypass) from my surgeon right before Christmas. I like to think that my success has been a big motivator for her, and I am feeling a certain sense of "responsibility" to be a good WLS veteran by working through my struggles.

Age Bracket Winner

Aw, the other day when I was looking at the Seattle Biggest Loser Half Marathon results page, I saw that my Alli was the only "14 and Under" girl to complete the event as a registered "Runner." (There were four girls 14 and Under who completed as registered "Walkers." - whispering: and all of them finished before my runner girl.)

But that is completely beside the point, this proud mama insists.

There are prizes handed out to age group finishers, you know. And in this event, prizes were awarded to both the top three Runners and the top three Walkers, separately.

I emailed the Biggest Loser event website the other day and asked if it would be possible for my daughter to receive her award. The website clearly states that winners must be present for the awards.

Happily, though, they are mailing my daughter her award. :)

Hi Julie,

Please send me your address and I can mail the award. It may take a couple of weeks as our trucks are in route to the next race and have the awards.

Thank you,
Sarah

Winner!

She is going to be soooooooooooooo thrilled. Shhhh, don't tell her, it's a secret. :)

And really, isn't it amazing to think that only FIVE girls 14 and Under completed this event? Regardless of time to complete, that is one helluva accomplishment for all of them!

p.s. - thank you all so much for your nice comments and feedback and support on my race re-cap post. I am very, very proud of my girl and we had a wonderful time at the event. It was so fun to be able to share that with you here!

Biggest Loser Seattle Half Marathon Race Re-Cap

Yesterday, my 14-year-old daughter and I completed a huge milestone together. She completed her first half marathon! We signed up for this event months ago, with great aspirations of going into it well-trained and ready to go. Well, that didn't happen. :)

However, we did have a wonderful time and we did complete that bad boy. My daughter feels an amazing sense of accomplishment and pride in her efforts. So much so that today she wore not only her race shirt, but also her medal to school, which cracked me up. I wish I had thought to take a picture!

I did take several pictures, though, including this one at the finish line:

So proud of my Bug.

This was the first year for the Biggest Loser race in Seattle. It was well organized, if more sparse than you would imagine for such a big name. There were a few people from previous Biggest Loser seasons at the start line, but they must have been late, because they weren't introduced until our heat was about to take off, and we were with the 15:00/mile pace group, toward the very end. It was fairly anti-climatic to have one guy from a previous season say he hadn't ever run a half-marathon, but he hoped to one day. And four, three, two, one...GO! Bah. Alli hoped that this one pair would be around after the race for photos but they were not.

As expected, Alli really got caught up in the energy and spirit of the event and went into her full athletic warrior mode. :) Ear buds in, determined look on face, and...run. We were not fast, but I have to say we were probably pretty consistent for most of the race. Incredibly, the longest she's ever gone is *maybe* five miles - she says five or six, but I am with her most all the time and I cannot think when she's exceeded a 5K.

We started off shortly after 8:00 a.m. as they released us in heats. They had a lot of pacers, which was great. It was a crisp and cold morning but it was totally bearable. Both of us decided to skip the gloves we had brought along.

At the starting line. I had tried to forewarn Alli exactly how long 13.1 miles is, haha.

For reference, I told Alli we were 14.2 miles from home to Gas Works Park in Seattle, where the race was held. That did give her a little pause: hey, this is long. She didn't let it get to her, though, and even by mile four, she was feeling pretty fresh.

This was a beautiful course. See the UW crew practicing in the background?

I had warned her that around mile 7 or 8 was when I have always mentally crumbled. It's so far, and you're barely halfway done. She was pretty chipper the whole way (well, until later...) and later admitted that at mile six she teared up because she was so tired and she wasn't even half way. I feel ya, sister.

She was getting a little tired of my pictures, but was a good sport.

By mile ten, she was pretty excited to finish, and the end was in sight. This part of the course was a looooooonggggg out and back, starting somewhere around mile nine and going until past mile 12. Myself, I like the out and backs because I am a people-watcher. :) I like to watch people running by, seeing all the different outfits, the different levels of fitness, etc. Watching runners and running styles is interesting, there's so much variety!

I tried to console her by saying now we only needed to run a 5K to finish, haha.

Alli really did so awesome. A half marathon is a long, long way. And her resolve never crumbled at all. If she teared up at mile six, I didn't know it. She said a couple times that she felt fine except her feet hurting so badly. My favorite was somewhere toward the end when she said that physically she felt great and could keep going, if only her body didn't hurt so much. I took this to mean that the spirit was willing, if the body was not.

We had a minor drama brewing throughout the race, in that Alli really hoped her dad would be at the finish line to cheer for her. She had talked to him about this for weeks and the best she could get out of him was that "he would try." He is a complicated person to describe, in that he is not an absent father, but he is awfully flaky. It is hard to get a commitment out of him until the last possible minute. On race day, I didn't say a word about him being there or not, and neither did she. At mile six or seven, I floated a balloon out to him by saying we were at mile six and she was going strong. His response, "Awesome." I didn't ask him if he'd be at the finish line because I knew I would be angry if he said no. Later, at mile ten, I texted him a status and again, his response was "Awesome."

I asked her to let me retake this picture and she said "No way," and took off.

Sometime after mile twelve, he texted, "We didn't miss you did we?" Sigh. Oh good, he is there. No, we were on our way. I told Alli he was at the finish line. She was happy. She would have loved for everyone we knew to be there, haha. I let him know when we entered the park so they could be ready.

Hilariously, my sweet Bug, who was so exhausted, kicked it in to high gear as soon as she saw the finish line. I would not have guessed she had it in her! She left me in the dust as I was texting and fussing with my earbuds.

It was cool to see my older son at the finish line, too (although there was a bit of me that bristled at why he didn't bring my younger son, too, who was just sitting at home with Greg waiting for us). I let it go. I think ex-husbands just irritate you, most times. They (X and the GF) were great sports, cheering for both of us and high-fiving us. Plus, I got to be elevated to super star athlete status in my son's eyes, who marveled, "You aren't even sweating!" Yes, son, I routinely blast out half-marathons without even breaking a sweat, haha.

Finish line. I cropped out the time clock. :)

Super proud of my girl, who says she does want to do more half marathons. When I have done them, I enjoy it so much and tell myself to do more, do more! I shall have to make myself capitalize on that desire. It is fun, and although it took us 3:57 to finish, it is a heck of a work out! I am feeling it in my hips today.

I was very pleased that Alli was already up and at 'em getting ready for school this morning. I was afraid she'd be super, super sore, but I guess she has youth on her side. :) She said she'll move slowly, and that if they are told to run in PE today, she will sit on the floor and cry until her teacher leaves her alone. I told her to tell him it's her recovery day.

Couple things from the race:
- On the last long out and back, we stopped for water on the out, but on the back, the water and gatorade, as well as all the volunteers, were GONE. Alli was bummed, and I had no alternatives for her. I felt sooooo badly for the people who hadn't reached the station for the first time yet....ugh. You can imagine at the tail end of this race, there were some people who really needed some water. Fortunately, there was one more water stop before the end of the race.
- The shirts and medals are very cute. I will have to post a picture later. The ribbon of the medal is a tape measure, haha.
- I expected more of a Biggest Loser type crowd there. There were surprisingly few kids or teenagers, I thought. Alli said it was because most kids were too smart to agree to run thirteen miles (this was somewhere between mile 11 and 12, haha). Most of the runners were, well, runners. A smattering of bigger people, but no more than I've seen at other events.
- It was very nice to see Lindsay and Stacie at the race. Lindsay came up to us before the race and wished us well and gave Alli a pep talk. On the first out and back, she was a great cheering section as she passed by, as well as on facebook later. :) We had registered on Stacie's team for the event but hadn't found each other before the event. We saw each other on the second out and back and she cheered us on, as well. It is fun to see people you know out there!

This Just Happened.

I did the stairs (all 62 flights for me!) with my good ole friend Barb for the second day in a row. We are recommitting without recommitting. You know, it's just like when you've been married (and divorced) before, and you're totally committing to someone without committing. Because you don't want to jinx it. Or because you've been burned too badly before. Or because you *like* stairclimbing, but you also like biking and running, and you just can't be tied down to one activity, it's so much pressure!

I saw this on facebook, and I was so motivated by it that I thought it would be life-altering from that very moment onward. But that was a few days ago, and I am still eating goldfish crackers until my tummy hurts. And then I remembered it, and I am newly renewed and committed. I shall endeavor to make sure I don't forget about it again!

Here's the picture that motivated me today. I have no idea who took it (well, I have a pretty good idea who took it, haha, my daughter). I just found it on my phone. I did not know my phone could take pictures like this! But I looked at this picture and I was so puzzled:

Who is that?

Uh-oh, I am not liking the shape of my body right now. To the point that I didn't even recognize myself standing in my own kitchen. :) Mental block, maybe? Ignore the kitchen and dining room, ugh, that kitchen hasn't been touched since the house was built in 1960. Remember, with real estate, it's location, location, location. Or at least that's what they tell you to justify the sky-high prices and 50 year old kitchens. :)

Firstly, I am making what I affectionately call my "carp face." Sigh. I should be nicer to me, but MUST I always look like a fish out of water?? Disclaimer for my benefit, I had just come from Blake's football game. It was hot. I was tired. :)

I hesitate to post this picture or comment on it, but really, I am hoping to use it to motivate myself just like that saying, above.

I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like that anymore, or ever again. So I changed. Just like that.

For my part, I did take an almost two-mile angry walk at lunch time today. And the stairs the last couple days, and a four mile run the day before yesterday.

I am trying, anyway.