Just Think About How Much You've Changed Your Life

A coworker said that to me yesterday. I was talking to him about the locker room facility I use daily now after my ride in. We were mid-discussion about these locker rooms, which are available to all employees. And right in the middle of it, he paused and smiled and said, "Just think about how much you've changed your life over the last couple years."

Now, these days, I am thinking about biking, and weight fluctuations, and I-really-need-to-be-running-in-preparation-for-two-half-marathons-this-fall, and that sort of thing. I don't think much about Fat Julie anymore. It was kind of a nice reflection when he said it, this guy that I've known a little for several years but we're not close or anything.

You go, girl. I may be stressing over "seriously, what happens if you're fall cycling jacket doesn't fit this year?" but in the grand scheme of things...way to go. I'm a hundred-something pounds lighter, I don't smoke anymore, I don't take anti-depressants, I don't take narcotics for pain, I'm active nearly every day. The differences are amazing.

On a different, but related note, I'm going to claim credit now for biking to work every day this week. :) That's premature, but I was tired on my ride in this morning, and I think if I claim it now I'll have to do it, haha. Although I am also contemplating taking a vacation day tomorrow...hmm...well, if I come to work, I will come via bike. How's that? 

This will actually be my first time I've commuted in every day! I've done three days, I may have done four days. I'm a little bit cheating here, because it's also the first time that I've ridden in and thrown the bike on the bus home. I'm trying to become a full-time bike commuter, but here's the thing. It's EXHAUSTING! By Thursday morning, I've been spent. It's been hot here in Seattle, and those commutes home were tiring me out. Okay, that last mile home (straight uphill) was tiring me out, and I am too stubborn or proud to throw my bike on the bus for just that last mile, although I certainly have the opportunity.

Anyway, so my strategy for this week was to ride in every morning. That in itself will give me a happy feeling of accomplishment. I actually enjoy the morning ride more than the afternoon commute, anyway. I'm happy and refreshed when I get to work, I feel sharp and physically fit. Those afternoon commutes, when I arrive home hot, sweaty and tired, facing three kids who have been waitingallday to "air their grievances," as I think of it...well, it can be a bit much. And now, I might as well throw in that besides three kids, I also have a neatnik boyfriend who is pretty much also waiting to air his grievances about my messy children, as well. Oy. You need your strength to walk into that house, let me tell you.

Go back to school, kids. I'm actually taking off a fair amount of time next week to accomplish just that: getting ready to ship everyone back to school. I got my daughter's high school packet in the mail yesterday. DO YOU KNOW IT WILL COST ME $350 JUST TO GET HER ADMITTED INTO HIGH SCHOOL?? ASB card, year book, orchestra fees, cross-country fees, PE fees, etc etc etc. Criminy. The boys will be expensive, too, but thankfully less so.

I better keep riding in, all that exercise keeps my head clear and wards off depression. Yikes.

Kickin' it off Right (the Week, that is)

Yay, bike commuter! I did it! Rode in Monday and Tuesday, and here's the thing: I was excited about doing it, too! Sunday night, G asked if I was riding in: unequivocally, immediately, my answer was "YES." There ya go. That's what I'm looking for.

I am really glad I started using the shower at work. When I first started riding in, it sounded like a real PITA to me. But very quickly after I tried it...oh yes, that feels good. Long, hard ride followed by a nice hot shower and I'm good to go for the day.

Unfortunately, I had a couple hard PM commutes home already this week. Monday afternoon, I got a flat rear tire. Pancake flat, with a big ole gash in the tire. Not sure what I hit! Well, I have a flat repair kit, and I have a replacement tube, but I broke down in a terrible place. A trail under the freeway with bad visibility and a ton of cyclists zooming through quickly. I walked it out of there and ended up pushing it quite a ways. I called G and asked him for a ride home. Of course it was rush hour traffic and he was at the north end of town, and he's unfamiliar with the area, and, and, and. Well, he did come get me but the whole thing was a pain in the butt. I won't whine too much about how he didn't want to come get me in his brand new car to dirty it up with my filthy bike. WHINE. But he did. :) There's love for ya.

Anyway, I rode off Tuesday morning with brand new tires on the bike (yay!) and had a glorious commute in. On the way home, though, it was blazing hot. My commute is about 12 miles, which isn't bad, but the last mile is straight up hill. What a stupid place to put a hill.

At the bottom of the hill, I was already exhausted. I simply had no gas in the tank. Before the red light, I had changed gears, but didn't have time to cycle through the complete gear change. When the light turned green, I forgot that the bike was mid-change. I put all my weight on the pedal to take off, and WHAM! the chain fell off. I didn't fall, really, but somehow I banged around enough that I got a nasty contusion above one ankle and a bleeding gash above my knee on the other. What the heck? Well, I still had that stupid hill ahead of me, too!

The hill is a hairpin curve at the base that quickly turns into a 12% grade. Normally, it's hard, but doable. Yesterday, though, I think I was just not mentally there anymore. I hit the hill in the wrong gear, so busy trying to build some momentum at the base of the hill, I didn't downshift for the steep change in grade. Hit that 12% and physically could not push the pedals. Oops, off the bike. I didn't even try to get back on it, I just walked it a couple hundred feet and then got back on.

I was soooooooo glad to get home. I think it might be too hot for me to ride home right now. I stay awfully well-hydrated and eat plenty. I think the sun and heat just got to me. Anyway, I didn't even attempt to ride in today. :( I was so bummed because I wanted this to be the week that I did all ten commutes on the bike!

But hey - I'm thinking like a bike commuter! Yesterday, I stopped at a bakery in the International District to get my son some hum baos. He has been dying for them. Unfortunately, they were closed on Tuesday. So this afternoon I was planning my stop there on the way home - I can probably fit six easily in my backpack, etc.

Hey. I took the bus this morning! The bus takes me nowhere near the hum bao bakery. It's interesting to me the mindshift change I'm making toward riding my bike in. Now to strategize for those real crap days where biking is the last thing I want to do! That doesn't really count for this week - I was enjoying both rides home, right up until the minute I wasn't. :)

I Don't Know How Else to Convince You

Silly girl, there are just not many other ways I can say it. You feel so great when you ride your bike to work. Don't you? Isn't it fun? Don't you just feel so ALIVE when you get to work? Aren't all your concerns about the numbers on the scale and tight jeans shoved to the back of your mind, even for just a little while?

Doesn't it feel great to SWEAT?

And didn't you just love getting that whole locker room to yourself this morning? Who else is tough enough to ride to work on the first rainy(-ish) morning in over a month? No one, that's who! You got to play your radio station out loud, strut around naked, take your time and not share the little benches.

So, why, why is it so hard for you to commit to riding in? Every day, it's the same old thing. Are you masking not wanting to go to work with not wanting to ride your bike to work? You need to get a handle on this, lady.

Remember, your ultimate goal is that bike commuting is just how you get to work. Period. Some people drive, some people take the bus, some people bike. You bike. With some exception, at the most one or two days a week, you can pretty much ride every day. Yeah, it's harder when you have appointments before or after work, but I'll bet you could solidly ride in at least 3-4 days a week. At 12-ish miles and 50-ish minutes each way, that's a hell of a work out program. You've got your long, fast flats, you've got your brutal hill climbs, you've got your screaming fast downhills that make you nervous and happy.

You can do this. You DID this, this morning. Yay, you! You didn't wanna. G didn't go to work today, and you thought it wasn't fair that in order to ride, you didn't just have to get up, you had to get up SOON, and leave QUICKLY.

Perhaps you could have prepared a little better for this morning. That's sort of an ongoing theme with you, isn't it?

Suggestions:

• Your handlebars needed re-taped before you could ride again. Did you know that last time you rode? I think you did. Perhaps you could have done it then. Or last night, when you knew you were going to ride this morning. It's how you get to work, remember? It worked to do it this morning, but it sort of added to the chaos, huh?
• Hey - you like to wear your fingerless gloves every time you ride, don't you? Pretty much? Where are they? Hmm. Maybe you should keep them in the same place every time. Kind of a bummer to use your thin winter gloves this morning, wasn't it? It was the sort of day that would have been perfect for fingerless gloves. Hope you find them!
• Same thing goes with your glasses. Remember, the expensive cycling ones you bought? Or the cute Kate Spade ones that you actually prefer? Where do you suppose they are? Well, I'm really glad you found your cycling glasses this morning (after finding the empty case on the opposite side of the house). But you just sort of luckily stumbled on them, didn't you? Maybe you could have a box of cycling stuff where this all goes every day. Oh! You already do? That's so funny! Use it!
• That's cute that you couldn't pull out of the driveway until your Strava GPS time-tracking app finished updating on your iPhone. Next time, plan ahead.
• Minor details: You wear clothes to work every single day. This can also be thought out in advance. This one doesn't even pertain to cycling that much, as long as your clothes fit in your bike bag.

In short, good job to you for biking to work this morning. It took a bit to convince you to get going, but you did it, and I'm proud of you. You've started off the day so well! And your legs are looking good, too. So toned, and dare I say, even a bit sculpted. What a nice perk that those skirts that are easier to pack in the bike bag than jeans or other bulky bottoms - you get reminders of all your hard work when you check out your own gams in the full-length bathroom mirror. You should stop doing that so much, by the way, your coworkers are starting to talk. It's a little conceited. I know, I know, it's only because G. put his dresser in front of the only full-length mirror in the house, but even that excuse is wearing a little thin, isn't it?

Just like the many excuses you've been able to produce about not riding your bike to work, missy. I'm on to you.

Library Books and Blow Dryers and Aren't You Just Looking for an Excuse, Missy?

I rode my bike home yesterday - it has been a long week of doctor appointments and school appointments and commitments after work that preclude a bike ride. It felt so good! Major detriments that put a damper on the ride home: the six or so block stretch of busy, busy downtown streets between my building and the "relaxed, relieved breath" point of the commute where I am not focused on not being creamed by a bus or an aggressive motorist.

Seriously, people, be nice to bicyclists on the road. It is so hard to ride in busy traffic or even not-so-busy streets. Cars are big and scary. I'll admit, since I started cycling so much, I am much more tolerant and conscientious of bikes on the street. Hey - our dang feet are locked onto the pedals! It's funny how even that can affect your maneuverability on the road...or at least my own perception of it.

Well, cars may be big and scary, but I am a badass scary bicycle commuter and I have the uber-cool backpack to prove it!

Look at my super-strong legs, not my lunch lady arms, por favor.

I had already brought my bike bag home (poor little Carema - my bike - had been left overnight at City Hall for a few nights) but I had stuff I needed to transport. I had coincidentally gone to Old Navy yesterday and bought that backpack for my soon-to-be-8yo. I think I will keep it for myself! Skulls are inappropriate for young children, I've decided. Such a good mommy.

Anyway. This morning, the right thing to do would have been to hop on the bike and ride back into work. I couldn't do it. Greg and I had a not-so-great-isn't-family-blending-fun-no-not-really-at-all evening last night, and I was spent. Wiped out. Biking would have cleared my head, but I wanted a few minutes of our short commute together, alone. I did not want to sweat. I wanted to wear a pretty dress.

And I had library books. A buttload of them to return to the Seattle Public Library, where I almost never partake in their fine book collection. I'm a King County Library System (only the very best library system in the free world, thankyouverymuch) girl. But a few weeks ago the kids and I had come over for the very, very lame See Jane Run expo (long story - my daughter wanted to see a big expo. Last year, it was a good one. This year, it SUCKED). We stopped at the library next door and loaded up.

The SPL is NOT FOOLING AROUND when it comes to overdue fees. A quarter a day, per book. My library system charges $0.10/day and it caps at $3/book. SPL caps at $8/day. Their terroristic ways work: my books are returned on time, every time, haha. With KCLS, I consider overdue books my way of supporting the library system. You're welcome! At $10 in accrued fines, they freeze your account. I pay my library subsidy willingly, but always strive to mend my ways, haha.

Ok, so there were books, and then there was the blow-dryer issue. Sure, I rode in allllllllllll that time without showering before work, but then I did it one time and now I don't wanna ride in without a shower when I get here. Spoiled. And at my desk, I have the blow dryer I brought in, my new padlock, my flip flops, my hair product. All at my desk. Which is not at the locker room, and not even in the same building.

Today, I have committed to carrying all these things over to my locker and settling in. No more excuses.

There was a thunderstorm on my bike commute home last night. A little scary. I decided my tires would ground me, though. It was so bad that my 12yo called me mid-commute to ask if we had just had an earthquake, because the windows rattled so loudly. Yikes.

Blended family. Double yikes. I won't say we are struggling, but I will say that it is not seamless cramming all these personalities together under one roof. Admittedly, I am by nature not a tidy person. I looooove a tidy place, I just don't know how to get it there or keep it there. Since G and I got back together, I have really been trying. It's not that *I* am so messy, per se, it is that I have not done a good job at all teaching my children to clean up after themselves. G is not quite but almost clutter-phobic. He is challenged, daily, by his decision (emphasis "his decision") to move into our busy and messy home. We are all trying. Why, just last night I told my 12yo son, "look, if you are going to repeatedly blatantly disobey my direct orders to not eat on the couch (Greg's brand new couch, oy), then at least have the good sense to clean up the evidence." See? Trying. G would like instantaneously-reformed children (as would I, haha) but he has a fairly solid grasp of reality in this regard and knows that's a pipe dream.

Last night, though, what started about clutter and mess turned to my 8yo. As his mother, I am the first to admit that this kid is HARD. He's always been hard. Always a little more than you expect or are prepared to handle. I have been letting him sleep with his brother, primarily because his room was such a disaster area and I did not have time to clean it, secondarily because of photo opportunities like this:

Did I tell you that my boys were with a boy that drowned, right after school got out in June? I don't remember. It was horrific. An 8yo boy of X's girlfriend's cousin, at a family picnic at someone's lake house. My boys weren't just there, they were there. And since that day, my 12yo, who was always a worried, protective older brother, is now a worriedprotectiveolderbrother. And he has become incredibly tolerant of his little brother, including letting him sleep with him. Anyway, it was time to get R back into his own bed last night and this created a freakout tantrum crying jag of epic proportions. It was awful. It was awful for me, as his mom, it was awful for G as a man who must by now be questioning the wisdom of joining our family.

Ah well. We arrrr what we arrrr. My almost-8yo is lit from within like a beacon: his highs are blindingly bright and vibrant and joyous, his lows are tearful and trying and terrifying. The other day, for example, my 12yo picked him up from day camp. His dad had dropped him off that morning, so he didn't have his bike to ride home, as he normally does. His coping strategy, when faced with this disappointment? Lay down on the ground. Refuse to leave.

Sigh. My 12yo called, "I don't know what to do." Sigh. Me neither. I invoked some sort of threat over the phone via B that got him moving, this time.

Anyway. He's hard. He's epic. He will grow up to be a rich, rich charismatic man: kids love him (because he knows the best ways to get in trouble, perhaps). I fear a throng of girls (hopefully not baby mamas!) one day beating down our door to tousle his hair and beat out their BFFs in the competition to be indifferently treated by him, haha. I see a young man being funded eagerly by venture capitalists who back his latest idea. I see a strong, confident, charismatic leader (oy, for good, for good, I hope and pray! Leader, not ringleader...)

But right now I see a kid who is often a real pain in the ass to be around. And I say that with every cell in my body screaming out how much I love and adore him. Truly. And yet in the midst of his tantrum last night, some primal urge was in my head telling me to eat him, haha.

When I was dating, I was overjoyed when I met a man without children. I have always said my dream was a man who had wanted children, but sadly, had been unable to have them due to childhood mumps, perhaps.

So I get it. Believe me. G's children are older and not around much at all. I do not have any expectation that my brood will drive him away - this was an issue for him last time around (aka v1.0) and G is nothing if not a thoughtful and measured man. He weighed heavily the pros and cons of being with me. The kids are no surprise and he is open that he loves me and wants to be with me, but that the kids wear him out sometimes. I get it.

And so. That's why I didn't ride my bike this morning. Library books and blow dryers and a glass of wine in bed and hey, and a see how nice it is when we're alone commute.

p.s. I am inspired by all these July workout summary posts this morning (Kim and Lindsay) to say that I biked 189.3 miles in June. I didn't run more than a couple times, although I should be well on my way to the Biggest Loser half marathon training program with my daughter. Thankfully, she is doing well on her own in that regard.

Just a list...

I feel like blogging but don't have anything cogent to say, so I'll just throw some stuff out there. :)

• I really like the show "Orange is the New Black" on Netflix. Plus, there is enough girl-on-girl prison action to interest Greg, who only likes to watch "Deadliest Catch." I think we've found the key to harmonious TV watching in our house! Hahaha
• Speaking of Netflix, I am the biggest Arrested Development fan, but I was so uninterested in the season four added to Netflix, I haven't even finished watching it. Sigh. It's true, you can't go home again. I am glad they made the season, for nostalgia's sake, but it wasn't the same at all.
• My daughter (14yo) applied and interviewed for a volunteer position with the Y. We expected her to be folding towels at the front desk. She told them she wanted to work in the aquatics section because she wants to get her lifeguard/swim instructor certification as soon as she is old enough. She said by that time, she will have been volunteering for two years and expects to be able to get a job easily, so she can have a good high school and college job. The director was super impressed with her plan and "hired" her on the spot! She worked one day this week, and will work M/W at the start of the new swim lesson session. Love that kid - she has a detailed plan in place from entering high school to graduating law school. 
• I got a different sort of call from the YMCA about a different sort of child of mine, too, haha. My 7yo got in a fight with a boy at day camp. He has also been reprimanded several times in the last couple weeks for swearing. When the counselor called about the fight, I naively asked, "Is this the same boy he fought with on Monday?" Nope, different boy. Hmm, I think I'll start calling my son "The Common Denominator."
• Hehe, this reminds me that when he was younger, we used to call him "Copay" because of all the random doctor/ER copays he incurred, like when he got a plastic bead stuck over his tooth.
• Reflecting on my three kids, I can only say to other parents, don't feel smug if your kid is wonderfully-super-awesomely behaved. It has nothing to do with you and your parenting. Kids are who they are. Mine run the full gamut in a thousand different ways. My new motto is, I accept no credit or blame, haha.
• Along those lines, I was telling a friend that it is imperative to me that we stay living in my overly-expensive neighborhood I had no business moving to when I got divorced because it would destroy my 14yo if she had to change schools. My 12yo son would be upset because he is so involved in sports, and the boys he plays with now are the boys he'll play with in high school. My 7yo? Ha - he wouldn't care. Of the three, he is the only one who has never given a second thought about new schools, new daycare, new parks, new whatever. A stranger is just a friend he hasn't met yet, that's how that boy operates!
• Which makes me think that my number one fear with that particular boy is him falling prey to a stranger. Eek. Where is the bubble wrap for these kids when you need it??
• My X is financially in waaaaayyyyy over his head these days, I gather from bills I've received and other ways information trickles down to me (not the least of which the gobs he owes me). Being divorced is hard. Single parenting* is hard. (*even with - and sometimes especially with - a Greg!) I feel like it is merely a matter of time before I am wholly financially supporting the kids and I am stressed and resentful. For the first time in my adult life, I am not gasping and hyperventilating with stress over my own finances, and now I am being called upon to use my tiny bit of breathing room to fill the gap. It is not fair. 
• HA! I was thinking about how sometimes single parenting with a Greg is especially hard. Example: Blake (12yo) constantly leaves the lid to the peanut butter unscrewed, despite multiple threats of physical harm. Why does this cause Greg a near heart attack every time he discovers it? I don't know. Why does Blake always leave the peanut butter lid unscrewed? I don't know. Oh wait, actually, I do! Yesterday, I called Blake into the kitchen and demanded that he do "lid on/lid off" ten times to "teach him" how to put on the lid. Watching him, Greg and I were ROLLING LAUGHING - it turns out, most times, he turned the lid the wrong way to tighten it! Hahaha. Here Greg and I had been joking that one of my parental failings was not teaching the kids how to tighten lids. Turns out it was the truth. In Blake's defense, as a fellow lefty, I told Greg that the lid-industry, like everything else, is inherently biased in favor of so-called "righties."

• I believe the SBUX manager in my building red-carded me this morning. Yes, I do indulge liberally in their free refill policy (like many others in my building!). This morning I bought my usual hot tea. A short time later, I took yesterday's plastic cup down and got a passion tea (lemonade). The manager grimaced at me and when I got my drink, I saw he had written "7/26" in big letters (numbers?) on it. Did he think I didn't buy a drink this morning? I did! I feel like I've been branded. Me and Hester Prynne, baby.

Abuser.

• Speaking of passive aggressive, a project manager I work with for with complained to my boss this week about how long I had taken with her project. Did not say a word about it to me about it first, mind you. Then yesterday she emailed me thanking me for all my hard work on the project. Um. You're welcome. It reminded me of the great Vince Lombardi, who said, "Praise in public, criticize in private." Actually, it reminded me of what may be one of the few things I remember from college, when a professor told us "Praise in public, criticize in private." I do not recall any mention of Vince Lombardi, but Google attributes the quote to him.
• I also remember, in my one thing I remember from grad school, when applying a name tag, always apply it to your right side. This way it is an easy eye connection for people when they shake your hand, thus increasing the likelihood they will remember your name, as they get a visual cue along with the auditory cue of hearing your name and the physical handshake. Try it, it works. 
• I have $100K in unpaid student loan debt along with my associates, bachelor and master degrees and I believe this may be all I learned. The DOE recently told me they could strip me of my degrees if I don't pay the loans. I asked them where to mail the diplomas. :) 

Derailer (or Dérailleur, for the Francophiles Among Us)

Newsflash - I always have to keep telling myself this, so I might as well blog it, too - I feel better when I exercise. Ta-da! Not sure why this one is so hard for me to remember during all those times I jus' wanna lay around.

So I've been riding my bike to and from work quite regularly, my commitment is at least three times a week, my goal is four times a week. Usually, there is something during the week that prevents me from biking in at least once or twice. Biking days are good workout days - it's 24 miles round trip and I am working out, not leisure cycling. I arrive at my destination winded, fatigued and feeling like my body has put in a good ole workout.

Plus, I feel better about my health and body when I exercise. Like how I felt like isht this morning when I finally dragged my ass back onto the scale and it said 155.3 pounds. Whatever. Grr. This is not a happy feeling at all.

I keep getting derailed by my own...hmm...sloth? Laziness? Ego? I'm not sure. Something has changed about my weight loss efforts over the course of 2013. I'll admit, I stopped trying to get to my "final" goal of 131.5 pounds (so I can brag that I lost half my weight!) a long time ago. I don't think my body likes me to be 131.5 pounds. The lowest I ever touched was 136, and that was just one day. I was maintaining fairly easily at 137-141 for quite awhile...until...what? I got cocky about my weight and eating? I got lazy about taking care of myself? I fell in love? I don't think I can pin this one on Greg - I had noticed even with Mr. W I was creeping up in weight, although it has gone largely unchecked with Greg and I was definitely cycling more with Mr. W, of course. I think mostly I got sloppy. For whatever reason, I will always have trouble with food. A-L-W-A-Y-S. It is a mistake to let myself forget that simple fact, I think.

After riding in, hard, I felt better about the scale. It's just a number. Clearly I've lost control of something, and it isn't too hard to figure out what it is. Blackberry cobbler my son made this week, the full batch of cookie bars the family pounded down over the course of the weekend, the package of Hot Tamales I munched at my desk the other day. Add in the fact that Greg is super-organized about meals (*NEVER* in my life have I known what I am making for dinner before I start making dinner, haha. Now I know before leaving the house in the morning what I am having for dinner. It's cool. And weird. Definitely an adjustment.). Besides being organized, he's so much more traditional about meals. We eat at the table every night. I actually started doing this with the kids the last time Greg and I dated - they love it. All those public service messages about the family dinner table...so true! Who knew?? Kids like family dinners. So do I. But with Greg, it's a main dish and a side dish or two...good or bad, dinner is bigger with Greg in the family.

I'm not blaming dinner. :) Or Greg. My sweet tooth has been raging and I do not know why. It's just true, the more sugar you eat, the more sugar you want. Sigh. I am not depressed, I am not stressed, I am not anything other than a junkie, haha.

I think my weight would be okay even with the larger dinners if I would stop snacking so much. I eat a small breakfast (today: hard boiled egg and string cheese). A small-ish lunch, and a biggish dinner that is nowhere NEAR the size of my old 263-pound dinners. Dessert a couple/few times a week. Hot Tamales, frozen yogurt, gobs of mini-pretzels, or whatever sugar I can find - pretty much every afternoon. It's at least the first reasonable thing to cut out of my diet and see what happens, yes?

Anyway, I'm so sorry to have gained the weight but I am at least glad to be exercising. I feel good about the biking, which is super fun and easy because it is enjoyable. There are a few bitch hills involved both ways of the commute that really can serve to talk me out of riding in. And let's face it: riding in is just kind of a pain in the butt. It takes a lot of preparation. Effort. Strategy.

Ooo, but I'm getting better. Or maybe I'm just moving in to my office. I now have a variety of shoes available at my desk, and am starting to collect some clothes here. And you know what I did today? I showered at City Hall! I park my bike there every day and there is a very nice locker room with showers. I've never used it. It's hard to leave the house earlier than I do. But today I did it, and I am glad. Go-go-super-cyclist! I'm going to bring in a blow dryer (I had to borrow someone's today) and some toiletries. Getting out of the house when the kids are home will take some work. I normally wake up my youngest before I go and get him dressed and eating breakfast. Then one of my older two walks him to day camp later in the morning. I don't know how I'll handle it when school starts back up again - I am working on a plan. Also, it will be challenging when it is dark for my commutes: right now it is just gloriously sunny and light and I am loving it.

I think by cycling in, I have taken the bull by the horns, anyway. It's good exercise and even though I can't let the eating destroy my efforts, it helps to maintain balance. I have to accept that I will always trend toward the "well, I've blown it now so I might as well give up" mentality. I have had to really think about what happens if I continue to allow my weight to trend upward. What happens when all these fancy cycling clothes don't fit? There are already cycling clothes that I admittedly bought too small - too vain and excited about my new body - that I don't wear now. But my fancy cycling jackets? How much would it suck to have to replace them already?? There are clothes in my wardrobe, maybe things that are so small I shouldn't obsess with fitting and wearing, that I avoid like the plague.

I don't know what size I'll end up permanently, but I'm not happy at this size. I feel bulky. I am trying to own it and turn things around - something "Old Julie" never made a lasting effort to do.

The Little Engine that Could

This morning, I didn't want to ride my bike to work. And I had lots of reasons not to:

• My daughter was not home to walk my 7yo to day camp. Day camp opens a little too late for me to ride into work without adjusting my work schedule.
• My 12yo, who had VOLUNTEERED to walk my 7yo this morning, pulled the blankets over his head and begged me to bring him, instead. He said he couldn't sleep last night and was too tired.
• I was sooooo tired. One of us in the bed is a bad sleeper who tosses and turns and wakes up and gets up frequently and is generally not terribly quiet about it. Hint: it is not me. I sleep like a rock, if unmolested.
• There was a tiny splash of hot rain on the ride home last night, and a brief thunder storm after we got into bed. (p.s. this morning I said "I love thunder after I go to bed," as I was referencing not wanting to ride in a thunderstorm - G., however, took this as a big compliment to his manly prowess. I think I will start calling him Thunder, haha. Or Thor. Side note: My paternal grandpa was Swedish, and one of my first boyfriends was named Thor Gunderson. Do you have any idea how happy he was about that? haha
• It was hot and muggy and starting to sprinkle and the news said a thunderstorm could roll in late morning. (But be sunny and clear this afternoon.)
• I can't find my other pair of bike shorts.
• I woke up with a giant crick in my neck. Yesterday on the ride home, my neck was bothering me, but this morning it was HURTING me.
• After days of riding, my legs are tired and sore. There's a few substantial hill climbs on my commute each way - they do have a way of wearing you down.
• Oh, the list goes on. :) Suffice to say, I didn't wanna ride my bike. I wanted to ride the motorcycle with G.

But. I am a cycling warrior. I dragged my ass out of the shower and into my cycling gear. I told my 12yo he made a commitment and I relied on that commitment, and he could go back to bed as soon as he dropped off the little guy.

And. I rode that bike in. I didn't just ride it, I TORE UP a hill that vexes me every morning. I put every bit of steam into I had, and I shattered my previous times, as tracked on the Strava GPS app I use on my phone. A full minute off of my time from March, 40 seconds off my time from a week ago. Roarrrrrr!!

All that and I am wearing new earrings, make up, a cute outfit and sassy sandals. I should pass Sabrina's inspection later today, too, haha.

(Note to) Selfie

Here's a selfie for you - I took this one to show Kim that I was dressed so casually at work, I was surprised my friend Sabrina would let me stay (she's my personal stylist, nutritionist and life coach, as you may recall).

No earrings, even. Sheesh.

Haha I was thinking about this blog entry because I had a "Note to Self" moment regarding exercise. Drumroll, please...

(this is revolutionary, by the way...)

I feel better when I exercise.

I've ridden my bike to and from work five of the last six work days. Three days last week, both days this week, for a total of 104 miles so far. I feel so much better! Actually, my legs feel tiiiiiirrred, but I am happy and satisfied that I am getting in a good workout every day.

I had been feeling like crap for the last month or so. I checked my Strava app on my phone, where I track my bike rides and runs (hahaha) with GPS. The last time I had ridden was June 4th. Oh - about the time I started feeling like crap. Now, I'm no rocket scientist (my friend N. actually dated a rocket scientist, by the way, she said it was as exciting as you might imagine. Rocket scientist, not astronaut, haha!), but I am seeing a connection there.

We're gonna let that slide, though, as I really did need some time to recover from my scar revision surgery. Such a seemingly minor thing that really was pretty painful! I'm all healed up now, and using strategery to keep myself rolling along. Right now it's easy-ish to commute to work. I have sufficiently threatened and bribed my 14yo into walking her 7yo brother to day camp every morning so I can leave for work on time. It will get hairy, though, when school starts up again. My 14yo is now a high schooler (I am a single mom* with one in high school, one in middle school, one in elementary school. I have become one of *those* people, hahaha) and she won't be able to walk him to school. My 12yo son and 7yo cannot be trusted to walk together, sigh. One block. We live one stinking block from the school. My 12yo catches the bus at the corner of the elementary school. The timing is perfect, but the boys are not. :)

(Edited to add: As Kim correctly points out, I am a single mom with a Greg. And I had a happy moment with this yesterday, when I arrived home exhausted after a long, hot bike ride. I had less than an hour to pick up the youngest from daycare, take the oldest to HER FIRST JOB INTERVIEW - more later- and get the middle child to football conditioning practice. My head was spinning. And Greg said, "Why don't I just take Blake to practice and you take care of Alli and Reid?" Boggle. You mean, someone to help me? Ooooo, this takes some getting used to, but I like it, I like it! Also, last night he laid out the plan for us to go away together alone this weekend...ah, love. Love.)

Anyway. I'll figure it out. My goal is for bike commuting to become simply, "how I get to work."

Things are going really great these days. Greg and the kids are doing awesome, and doing super well together. Last night, my 7yo was curled up against him on the couch watching TV. It's amazing to me how much of a family we're becoming. Last Friday, Kim came up from Oregon for her daughter's basketball tournament. I took a half-day vacation and met Kim for a leisurely lunch, then we went to the game, then to drinks while we waited for her daughter to shower and get her gear from the hotel. We all went back to my house, where we found Greg in the kitchen making pizza from scratch for my children. I'll tell you, that is about the sexiest thing ever to come home to!

Speaking of Kim, she had a brilliant idea to take a picture of our daughters, who share the same name and are a little more than a year apart. Kim and I went to high school together and I considered her my academic rival and she considered me no threat, haha. We lost touch for years, reconnected over facebook years ago when I was getting divorced, and at that time she said one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. "I'm on your side. I don't care who's fault it was, I don't care what you did or he did, I am your friend and I am on your side." Isn't that wonderful? Totally true, too. I sort of went off the deep end when I was getting divorced and she stood right beside me (figuratively), not afraid to tell me what she thought, but always having my back.

So this picture is especially meaningful to me, too. These are both really, really great girls, our Al(l)is. And great moms.

Genetics at work. :)

Edited to add, too, that Sabrina had a serious heart to heart talk with me yesterday about biking to work and my obligations toward looking good. She said since I started biking to work and got back together with Greg, there are too many days with no makeup, earrings and cute clothes. This morning I told her I did my best for her - biked to work and put a little thought into my appearance. I told her I would think of her, too, when I rolled back into my driveway after work looking like a sweaty raccoon with all this makeup smeared all over my face. That'll impress the boyfriend, won't it? I don't think she cares, haha.

After she took the first picture, of me standing there woodenly, she said,
"HAVEN'T I TAUGHT YOU ANYTHING?? Put some sass in it!!"

Heft

Blargh. I am not feeling well. I am eating way too much (as I sit here and snack on Sun Chips) and I am not exercising. I feel like a giant stuffed sausage! My clothes are too tight. It is hot outside.

I am not complaining about it being hot, though! My policy as a sun-lover is to never complain when we get it, here is dark, rainy, dreary Seattle. When it's nice in Seattle, this has to be the most beautiful place on earth. When it's nine months of "winter," it is insufferable. So, even in 90+ degree weather, well, I just keep my dang mouth shut.

Except I'm telling you because my clothes are so friggin hot and tight and uncomfortable. I had to *remind* myself that it is 90+ degrees outside and EVERYONE's clothes are hot and tight and uncomfortable! Well, mine is heat related, but mostly sloth-related, I'm afraid.

My friend Sabrina looks amazing - she has been doing fitness boot camp for months now and it has done incredible things for her physique. A coworker here had lost a lot of weight and regained 10 pounds, which she has recently taken off again and looks amazing. I've been reading Kim's blog and I am jealous at how successful her training plan is going.

I am wearing the world's most beat-up hoodie and t-shirt at work. And yoga pants.

This, my friends, is the bottom of the barrel. Rock bottom.

Next week, I am hoping to ride my bike to work again. It genuinely is too hot for me to ride right now, but also we're going camping for a few days so it's not feasible. Next week.

Did I tell you my daughter and I are doing the Seattle Biggest Loser Half Marathon in October? Yes, we are! This will be her first half marathon, and thankfully, she is taking training more seriously than me. She gave me a stern lecture about needing to get on the training program.

We've just been so stinking busy! Greg is all moved in, but we are wall to wall furniture and duplicates of everything. It is uncomfortably crowded at home. I'm pretty minimalistic, anyway, but all the extra stuff has me in claustrophobic fits. Thankfully, with Greg, who is awesome at cleaning and organizing, it won't be this way for long, I'm sure.

He's better than me: I *need* to live in a clean, organized environment or I am in fits, but I lack any skills whatsoever to clean or organized. So, basically, I live in fits.

I'll turn this around; I have to. I am so uncomfortable and yucked right now, it is really weighing me down. No pun intended, haha.

Slipping Away

Time, that is. I am looking at my last post and marveling at how quickly time gets away from me!

I did have my scar revision surgery last week. At first, I would have been hesitant to call it "surgery," thinking it was just a tiny little process, but, HEY - that was surgery! Yikes. I had a local anesthetic; the worst part of the whole day was the 1000 local numbing shots he had to give me on my tummy and both hips (he touched up the tiny little skin puckers at the ends of both tummy tuck incisions). Numbing shots hurt. Period.

He cut a long, skinny ellipse out of my tummy scar where it had widened, then stitched me back up tight. I told Kim afterward that although I hadn't had any other medication, I think the stress/nerves of it got to me, because after I left the office I was shaking like a leaf. Adrenaline, probably.

Well, I'm very glad I had it done and already went back in to have the stitches removed (for the initial surgery, all my stitches were internal, but for whatever reason I have removable stitches at all three sites this time. 

No triathlon for me this last weekend. :( The organizers were very nice and gave me a 50% off coupon for next year's event, so that's cool. I am really bummed to have missed it. My doctor and I were laughing, though, he said I *could* do the triathlon if I wanted to find out exactly what sort of grossness I could subject my open wound to in the lake. He said there'd probably be an antibiotic to fix it. ;)

Haven't biked or done anything else since the scar revision. I amused myself by running a few steps one day, but my tummy incision told me to stop. Likewise, I've worn yoga pants to work all week because of the incisions on my hips. Truth be told, and because my pants are getting too tight. I need to get a handle on this, and fast.

On the personal front, things are just busy, busy. I should tell you, I am ridiculously, giddily happy with Greg v2.0. :) We are having a blast. This time, he is the boyfriend I knew he could be last time, if that makes sense. Together we are exactly what I always wanted with him. Time and distance were great for us - plus I think breaking up (and having my heart broken) took away my defensiveness and built my confidence in my body and such. Because all the drama of last time concerning my body is a non-issue this time. When we were getting back together, I told him the only thing he's allowed to tell me about my body is how ufcking hot I am. And he has stuck to that, and tells me often, haha. Last time, I was still filled with a lot of self-hatred about my body - a weird mix of pride and shame. I still battle that, but I'm in a much better place, and both of us feel it. 

For his part, I think when we broke up he was in a bad place and at some point he realized how much good we had and missed it. I know he dated (HA! I am not one to cast aspersions in this arena) and he said this was something he wanted to do, but he never clicked with anyone the way we do. I understand that - remember poor Mr. Wonderful and how hard I tried to make him be the one. If it's not, it's not.

Greg's not perfect, but who is. He still smokes, although markedly less than before, which is nice. Happily, I have had no desire whatsoever. I have told him, under no circumstances am I ever allowed to have so much as one tiny puff off his cigarette. I realize this is a personal responsibility, but I want him on board, much the way my friend Nancy videorecorded me saying if I ever smoke again she can slap me in the face, hard, and I won't be mad at her, haha. Where I think I would stumble, if ever, is the same place I have always stumbled, which is under the influence of sunshine and alcohol. :)

What is so fun is that he treats me like a queen and my 12 year old son Blake thinks I bought Greg as a gift for him. :) They are always working in the yard or working on some project together...I have to say that one of the great things about Greg is that he will feed my sons' desires - especially Blake's - to do all those manly man things they love. He is also great with my daughter, but she is my baby and while she likes him, it's more on the amicably "tolerating" him side of things, right now, anyway.

Aw.

Okay, you'll think me crazy (and that's okay) but I'll just say it: we're living together. CUH-RAZY! Ah, I've become one of those women...moving a boyfriend in with her children. Internally, I suppose I've wrestled with this a lot, but action-wise, I just went for it. God forgive me if I'm sitting alone in my furniture-less house down the road after a second failed venture with this man, but I don't think I will be. :) And if I am, as a note to future self - hey, you tried. You were happy, you had the best of hopes and intentions, and you went for it. You go, girl. Life is short.

Yesterday, we had a great barbeque for Father's Day - my parents came up and his mom was staying with us (Greg's son graduated high school on Saturday). His sister and boyfriend also came up - we had a great day. I've probably mentioned that Greg is an awesome cook, and we feasted like kings and everyone loved it. Refer back to me saying I'm wearing yoga pants because my jeans are so tight they hurt my fresh hip incisions. Argh.

Life is good, good, good. I hope Future Julie just gets to look back on this time and think, "Yep, having fun then, still having fun now!" :)