Derailer (or Dérailleur, for the Francophiles Among Us)

Newsflash - I always have to keep telling myself this, so I might as well blog it, too - I feel better when I exercise. Ta-da! Not sure why this one is so hard for me to remember during all those times I jus' wanna lay around.

So I've been riding my bike to and from work quite regularly, my commitment is at least three times a week, my goal is four times a week. Usually, there is something during the week that prevents me from biking in at least once or twice. Biking days are good workout days - it's 24 miles round trip and I am working out, not leisure cycling. I arrive at my destination winded, fatigued and feeling like my body has put in a good ole workout.

Plus, I feel better about my health and body when I exercise. Like how I felt like isht this morning when I finally dragged my ass back onto the scale and it said 155.3 pounds. Whatever. Grr. This is not a happy feeling at all.

I keep getting derailed by my own...hmm...sloth? Laziness? Ego? I'm not sure. Something has changed about my weight loss efforts over the course of 2013. I'll admit, I stopped trying to get to my "final" goal of 131.5 pounds (so I can brag that I lost half my weight!) a long time ago. I don't think my body likes me to be 131.5 pounds. The lowest I ever touched was 136, and that was just one day. I was maintaining fairly easily at 137-141 for quite awhile...until...what? I got cocky about my weight and eating? I got lazy about taking care of myself? I fell in love? I don't think I can pin this one on Greg - I had noticed even with Mr. W I was creeping up in weight, although it has gone largely unchecked with Greg and I was definitely cycling more with Mr. W, of course. I think mostly I got sloppy. For whatever reason, I will always have trouble with food. A-L-W-A-Y-S. It is a mistake to let myself forget that simple fact, I think.

After riding in, hard, I felt better about the scale. It's just a number. Clearly I've lost control of something, and it isn't too hard to figure out what it is. Blackberry cobbler my son made this week, the full batch of cookie bars the family pounded down over the course of the weekend, the package of Hot Tamales I munched at my desk the other day. Add in the fact that Greg is super-organized about meals (*NEVER* in my life have I known what I am making for dinner before I start making dinner, haha. Now I know before leaving the house in the morning what I am having for dinner. It's cool. And weird. Definitely an adjustment.). Besides being organized, he's so much more traditional about meals. We eat at the table every night. I actually started doing this with the kids the last time Greg and I dated - they love it. All those public service messages about the family dinner table...so true! Who knew?? Kids like family dinners. So do I. But with Greg, it's a main dish and a side dish or two...good or bad, dinner is bigger with Greg in the family.

I'm not blaming dinner. :) Or Greg. My sweet tooth has been raging and I do not know why. It's just true, the more sugar you eat, the more sugar you want. Sigh. I am not depressed, I am not stressed, I am not anything other than a junkie, haha.

I think my weight would be okay even with the larger dinners if I would stop snacking so much. I eat a small breakfast (today: hard boiled egg and string cheese). A small-ish lunch, and a biggish dinner that is nowhere NEAR the size of my old 263-pound dinners. Dessert a couple/few times a week. Hot Tamales, frozen yogurt, gobs of mini-pretzels, or whatever sugar I can find - pretty much every afternoon. It's at least the first reasonable thing to cut out of my diet and see what happens, yes?

Anyway, I'm so sorry to have gained the weight but I am at least glad to be exercising. I feel good about the biking, which is super fun and easy because it is enjoyable. There are a few bitch hills involved both ways of the commute that really can serve to talk me out of riding in. And let's face it: riding in is just kind of a pain in the butt. It takes a lot of preparation. Effort. Strategy.

Ooo, but I'm getting better. Or maybe I'm just moving in to my office. I now have a variety of shoes available at my desk, and am starting to collect some clothes here. And you know what I did today? I showered at City Hall! I park my bike there every day and there is a very nice locker room with showers. I've never used it. It's hard to leave the house earlier than I do. But today I did it, and I am glad. Go-go-super-cyclist! I'm going to bring in a blow dryer (I had to borrow someone's today) and some toiletries. Getting out of the house when the kids are home will take some work. I normally wake up my youngest before I go and get him dressed and eating breakfast. Then one of my older two walks him to day camp later in the morning. I don't know how I'll handle it when school starts back up again - I am working on a plan. Also, it will be challenging when it is dark for my commutes: right now it is just gloriously sunny and light and I am loving it.

I think by cycling in, I have taken the bull by the horns, anyway. It's good exercise and even though I can't let the eating destroy my efforts, it helps to maintain balance. I have to accept that I will always trend toward the "well, I've blown it now so I might as well give up" mentality. I have had to really think about what happens if I continue to allow my weight to trend upward. What happens when all these fancy cycling clothes don't fit? There are already cycling clothes that I admittedly bought too small - too vain and excited about my new body - that I don't wear now. But my fancy cycling jackets? How much would it suck to have to replace them already?? There are clothes in my wardrobe, maybe things that are so small I shouldn't obsess with fitting and wearing, that I avoid like the plague.

I don't know what size I'll end up permanently, but I'm not happy at this size. I feel bulky. I am trying to own it and turn things around - something "Old Julie" never made a lasting effort to do.