Pro/Con List

I did a pro/con list about my relationship with G, and I am not terribly surprised to see that most of the pros were hobby related:

- motorcycle
- boat
- crabbing
- fishing (I *did* love this, I tell you!)
- gardening
- cooking

It turns out maybe I'm not in love with the man, maybe I'm in love with his interests, I guess. Interests that I can largely develop on my own, or find someone new to pursue them with.

Damn, I will miss that motorcycle. You have no idea. I should buy my own again. I obviously have some sort of motorcycle lust. But it turns out I like riding on the back more than I like riding it myself. Something about taking the responsibility away and I just get to enjoy the ride!

I ran into him on this street this morning. That's going to happen: I work downtown and he works on a street crew that largely works downtown during my work hours. He waved when he saw me and then came over to meet me when I crossed the street. We spoke for a few minutes. He said he is sorry, he said he misses me and cares about me.

I told him I saw his online profile back up on the dating site. Asshat. Okay, I saw his when I was putting up *mine,* but, sheesh. I said it's clear it's not that he doesn't want to date, it's that he doesn't want to date *me.* He said that wasn't true at all.

Really.

I feel like I'm caught in an episode of "He's Just Not That Into You." If I saw me on TV, I would be screaming at me to "RUN AWAY!!!" I'm no dolt, I assure you. I know what I *should* do, I just don't wanna do it.

Plus, I have a million more reasons to break up with him than he does with me. The fact that I have lovingly penned this blog for well over a year but would be embarrassed to tell him about it is high on the list. The fact that my friends and I went river rafting without him (what had been "our" trip) and I had a stinking blast...well, that's a good reason, too. Sure, I would have had fun if he had been along, but it's a different trip. I wouldn't have jumped in the freezing river, for one thing. I probably wouldn't have gotten drunk in the sun while I floated down the river, for another. And I had *fun* while being drunk in the sun on the raft! There is a side to me, an extra dimension or volume, which I always turned off for Greg. I do not turn it off with my friends. :)

Of course, I jumped in the river while I had my iPhone in my running belt around my waist, so maybe it would have been better if Greg were along. I'd still have a phone, wouldn't I? But wouldn't it be nice to have a boyfriend who would JOIN IN that ridiculousness of the day? We would have had fun if he was along, but it would have been a different trip.

Our rafting guide probably would have liked to have him along, haha. We were fairly obnoxious, I think.

Anyway. I put my dating profile back up this weekend, and I did a three-month membership to eHarmony. Bah. Right away I got "questions" (indicating interest) from two men, both 5'4" tall. Sigh. Plus most of my matches are in their mid-50s. I am 42. I do not feel grown up enough to date men in their mid-50's, plus, if G, at 44, was turned off by young kids - how would the parent of college graduate(s) feel about them??

I'm actually emailing with two nice men from the other site. One is a long-term public servant like myself. A bit higher level. Seems like a very nice guy. We will actually have some people in common, I think, just because of the professional circles we're in. Photo-wise, well, he's a middle aged man with very kind eyes. It's so hard to tell.

The other guy would be a good replacement for Cappy, I think. You remember Cappy? He is very funny and we probably have very little in common, but I exchanged several emails with him and enjoyed myself very much. At least, if I do end up meeting him, we have a lot more in common than Cappy and I ever did, and he is a nice, normal looking attractive man (6'3" tall, woohoo!).

Both men are very, very sharp and articulate. Sorry, G, but I have to say they've got you beat there, big time.

We'll see. I wished that when I was talking to G, I would want to spit on him or stomp on his steel-toed boots, but I just wanted him to hold me. :( Jerk.