When I am a Waif-Like Skinny Bitch

who struggles to keep my weight over 110 pounds...who must eat rich, high caloric foods in order to keep my weight from dropping too low...

I am going to drink half and half in my tea all day. Right now, I drink, oh, five bazillion cups of Earl Gray tea a day, with two or three ounces of whole milk. When SBUX is out of whole milk on the drink station, I "force myself" to use half and half. And it is the most decadent treat ever. The rule is that I can't use half and half unless the whole milk carafe is empty - you can imagine how HAPPY I am when I stumble on an empty carafe! Unfortunately, it hardly ever happens: my SBUX staff is much too efficient. It happened this morning. I am a happy camper!

Also, when I am a Waif-Like Skinny Bitch (WLSB), I will drink wine freely and without guilt. Alas, my little banana-tummy can only hold so much food, so I must indulge in the empty calories. What else can I do?

My aunt (and her husband) and grandma are coming up from Missouri/Georgia next month. They are wispy little bird women. I took after my mother's side of the family, none of whom are wispy or bird-like. I am glad that I will not feel like such a gelatinous blob around them this time. Ack, when I look at pictures from their last visit several years ago...well, they are uncomfortable photos to look at. I do not know my dad's family well at all, but I like them. My aunt's husband is HILARIOUS - I just fell for him right away when I met him. He and my aunt are very successful small business owners. He is also a dyed-in-the-wool Republican. I find this amusing in small doses. ;)

I had a reality check this morning. Oh, two actually. The first (and easiest) one: uh, I could stand to dress a little nicer. Now that I am slumming it with the regular folk on the bus every day, I realized that I am quite possibly the most casually dressed on the bus. Me: jeans, t-shirt, Keen tennies. Others: business casual. Perhaps they are the ones slumming it with me! Ok. Well, I am just a very casual person, anyway, but I suppose it really is time to take it up a notch. I'm 45-57 pounds off my goal (my first goal is 140 pounds, but my true goal is to be in my 120s: 128, specifically. However, I have absolutely no frame of reference for this weight range, so it's hard to pick a real goal. It is important to me to get to 140 and a normal BMI, then I will figure out what a good permanent weight is, e.g. the weight that I must force myself to drink wine and tea with half and half to maintain.

Anyway, 45 pounds seems rather doable, yes? Not even as a long-term goal, but as a "let's knock out this last 45 pounds!" goal. I am not quite sure what to do about clothing in the meantime, because it was a bit exciting exasperating to have bought a top for Nancy's birthday dinner that was too big to wear the next time I tried it on. I will continue to mull over the nicer wardrobe. Really, you just feel better with a little bit of glam on. Case in point: two people have told me today how nice my make-up is. Uh, I just put on some mascara. See, my fans are just craving a little bit more glitz from me, if mascara is a compliment-worthy occasion. ;)

I could try a little harder, in other words. :)

Second revelation (you forgot there was one coming, didn't you?). Now that long-since closed doors are re-opening for me, it's time to shove them open and celebrate. Specifically - my weight has long, long been a (self-)limiting factor for me. Oh, I can't do that, I'm too fat. Excuses range from "not being able to fit" to "exceeding weight limits" to "looking ridiculous."

Well, at 185 pounds, I was thinking, I probably don't need to worry about weight limits and fitting into things anymore. It may not always be a comfortable fit, but I would probably fit most places just fine. And I don't think I really exceed any weight limits anymore, either. And I may look ridiculous doing some things, but I am just tough enough not to care.

Specifically, I was thinking of a few things. Today's groupon or dailydeal or whatever is paddle boat lessons. This looks very fun to me. But I would not have done it because I was too big. I love the water, swim like a fish, love to kayak, etc, but nope, even in today's in-box, I ruled that out automatically, even though I found it appealing.

Hrm. It's time to stop thinking like a fat chick with self-loathing issues. It's time to stop selling myself short. There is no reason, except my poor beleaugured checking account balance, that I can't take paddle boat lessons. Also, Kim over at 23imaginaryfriends.blogspot.com did a "Dirty Dash" last weekend. I have two boys whose eyes would go bigger than moon pies to do something like this. So I automatically thought about taking them to it, but never did I think about *doing* it with them. Until I did. Hey, I would have a blast doing that, too. It's time for me to get off the sidelines. Again, money plays a limiting factor, because for the family, this would be a pricey adventure. I am actually thinking of driving all the way to Spokane in August to let the boys do the "Piglet Plunge" for 12 and under, which is only $5/person.

Anyway. I may not be a Waif-Like Skinny Bitch, yet, but I think it's time to work on adopting her mindset, and letting go of the sad, sitting on the sidelines, mindset of the woman who stopped trying a long, long time ago.