Stair Climb

Ah, this is a boring little update, but we did the stairs in 7:40 today - six seconds shorter than yesterday. We may have hit our pace for awhile (although we do plan to make 7:30 tomorrow, as planned). Seems like we're both busting our asses as fast as we can go, with no stopping.

Because we are foolish, foolish women, we're going to try incorporating a second run next week. As in, an AM stair run and a PM run. I think we are actually trying to nuke our friendship, because I know my thighs start hurting and I can't breathe whenever I see her now, haha. (Hmm, that actually sounds a little dirty. Oh, you know what I mean. Pavlovian response: see friend, feel pain.) But we figured since it only takes us 7.5 minutes, we could force ourselves to do it real quick twice a day. Unless we die in the stairwell.

Mmm, I had a massage this afternoon after work. Yay! I lurrve massages.

My massage therapist commented that I was downright peppy this afternoon. He noticed a marked difference in my energy level. I told him I would never admit to saying it, but I think the exercise is making me feel a lot better.

I'll test the hypothesis tonight by slugging out on the couch watching tv. Kids are away and I have been battling insomnia (trouble falling asleep, not staying asleep) for a couple weeks. I'm hoping to catch up on some zzzzs.

Hoping, hoping, hoping to hit the 50 pound mark tomorrow!

In Over My Head

Deep water aerobics, that is. Because I am ALL ABOUT THE EXERCISE right now. Ha! And when did anyone think I would say that?

Tonight, I went to deep water aerobics. I am quite worn out now. The timing of the class is perfect, if I am organized. It's at 6p back in my hometown, so I must leave promptly from work and head straight there. Actually, I've got a little wiggle-room: tonight I came home, grabbed my suit (but not my towel or brush) and still made it to class the requisite fifteen minutes early to fill out the registration.

Tough workout! An hour of cardio and abdominal stuff. The instructor was really good. I've done regular water aerobics before, but not deep water. I am reminded how much I love to be in the water. Mermaid, that's me!

A moment about self-perception. As the instructor was giving me a brief run-down before class, she told me how to wear the buoyancy belt. Floatie in the back, belt as tight as possible. Tuck in the extra tail of the belt so it's not slapping you around the whole time.

Do you have one that will fit me? I asked.

The instructor was a little flummoxed. Of course. Use the medium belt.

I didn't want to put it on in front of everyone, and I tried to discretely loosen the belt out. Way out. Put it around my waist. Belt is now about a foot too big. Tightened it up. Maybe I should cut myself some slack, I thought.

Funny how you see yourself. When I ran home today to change into my suit, I hurriedly pulled my sweat pants out and slipped them on. For the first time in awhile. Uh, I need some new sweats. Same goes for the old t-shirt I grabbed. I am shrinking.

So, I'm planning to do the water aerobics. With my shared custody of the kids, I can attend deep water one night a week, and regular aerobics one night a week. I'm not sure I'll sign up for a session, which gives me a better rate and has a lot of flexibility to attend up to two classes a week, or carryover missed classes to subsequent weeks. This would be my biggest motivator to go, I think.

But my WLS support group is once a month on Thursdays, and my monthly volunteer meeting is once a month on Wednesdays. I will need to do a little planning to see if I should sign up or pay the drop in rate.

Shells Manipulated Here

ETA: We did the stairs in 7:46 today! That's down 1 min 12 seconds from Monday's time and 44 seconds from yesterday's! Woohoo!!

I've decided to change my goal weight. It's not that I'm changing what I *want* to weigh - not at all. But when I think and talk about my weight loss goals, there is one thing I am thinking of, at this juncture.

A "normal" BMI. That's what I run my calculations against, that's where I do my mental math, that's how I define success. I want a normal BMI. You can see by my goal list on the right hand side - those BMI chart divisions are very important to me! Passing from morbidly obese to obese, passing from Class II obese to Class I, passing from obese to overweight. These are huge milestones for me.

I want to find my perfect weight, when I get closer to it. I won't be satifisfied with 140 just because I broke into the normal weight barrier, but I will be very, very satisfied with myself. I will have hit goal. My weight, my height, plugged into a little calculator, will read "normal." Healthy. HWP.

So, as my goal stretches out long before me, I've decided to update my ticker to where the real prize is for me on this part of my journey. Normal. Normal. Normal. I want it so badly I can taste it.

I hope it doesn't have carbs.

Haulin' Ass

Literally. I am noticing my changing body, and while I don't carry much extra weight on my posterior, I can feel the saggy aftermath of the weight loss. Hrm, it appears that I will not be immune to the horrors of extra skin following weight loss. My butt is feeling, uh, less firm, and my wobbly double chin skin has a definite...changed appearance to it. Loose. Empty. This displeases me, but the fact that I am seeing changes to my body pleases me.

My buddy and I just finished our 20-flight stairclimb. And even better, we turned around at the top and went back down eight flights to my floor. While today seemed more excruciating and painful than yesterday, we were pleased to see that we shaved 28 seconds off yesterday's time! 8:30 today, from 8:58 yesterday. We are hoping to be at 7:30 by the end of the week. I think we can do it: today we lingered on a landing to allow someone coming down to pass. We didn't stop otherwise, but had several long pauses at the bottoms of flights. You know, because our lungs and thighs were on fire.

So, I am feeling good about all that! I've pictured today's food, above. It's about 4 oz of salmon (I have a half-ounce or so nub left), 4 oz of Sunday's Pagliacci sausage lasagna - this is not weight loss food, but at least I am getting four-plus meals out of the one serving size, and 2 oz of oven-roasted asparagus. Yum! I ate that lasagna for breakfast, the asparagus mid-morning and the salmon for lunch. Trouble is, the salmon sat in my stomach like a bomb. I think I ate too much/too fast. Good news: I called my friend and begged to run the stairs early to work it out. Look at me incorporating exercise into my everyday life as a way of making myself feel better! Shocking!

Still pouting about attending Sarah Vowell by myself last night. Hrumph. Tonight it's Dan Savage with a friend and I am greatly looking forward to it. Here's the thing: I loves me some Dan Savage. He's a Seattle boy, too, and I am sure we would be marvelous friends. However, I will not be seeking his autograph (along with his partner's) and photo for my copy of the book. Why? Well, I am a longtime fan and Dan Savage is pretty openly prejudiced against fat people. And if I went for his picture (I would not be content with an autograph, haha, I'd go all groupie on him and want a photo), I'd either be feeling self-conscious or all up in his grill about how I don't hate on him for his homosexuality, how 'bout him not hating on me for my obesity? Hrumph. And then I would break down in tears and apologize for raising my voice to him, 'cause I just adore him. It's better that I hold off on the autograph seeking. ;) It might lead to a restraining order.

Seriously, though, as I said, I am a longtime fan, both of his spoken and written word. I find him smart, HI-larious, and over-all good-hearted, if not a little hard to take sometimes. And I respect his opinion of obesity: fine for you, not for him. When it comes to dating advice, he openly encourages hitting the gym and making yourself marketable. He talks about his caveats to his relationship: grow facial hair or get fat, and you're out. Sometimes I find this hateful or grating, but other times it makes good sense. He takes care of himself, it's reasonable to ask the same of his partner. I saw a comedian, Christopher Titus, who said the same thing: partners should stay within five pounds of "first date weight." (I happen to feel the same way about obese men and facial hair. I realize this is hypocritical - due to my weight, not my facial hair - but it was a reality I started facing when I started dating. I am not attracted to obese men. However, when my own ex gained some forty pounds, I didn't think a thing of it. First impression thing, I guess.)

I guess these things affect me because I very much let myself go after I got married. Part of the reason I think I let myself go was *because* of the marriage, but the fact remains. And my ex never said a thing about it. This, I think, works both for him and against him. Sweet that he loved me no matter what the size. Questionable because, with him, he may well not have even noticed. Sad that he was probably the only one who might have been able to give me the kick-in-the-butt motivator that would have woken me up to what I was doing to myself. Sadder that I didn't give myself my own wake-up call.

Regardless - it is something that will stick with me. Dating as an obese woman is not one of life's most pleasurable experience. In my limited experience, I am nearly invisible to men I meet in person. I give extraordinarily "good phone," I believe, because when I talk to contractors (a generally horny bunch, anyway) at work, I am frequently hit on. But in person, I don't garner a lot of attention. Online, I have not attracted the caliber of man I am interested in. And strangely, since losing some weight and not being super-obese but not being regular-sized, I am actually getting less attention. This confirms my suspicion that as a morbidly obese woman, I was attracting either a) the men who did not think they could do better, or b) the men who simply wanted to sleep with a fat woman.

I've got news for you, gentlemen. I am on my way. And pre-marriage, I was smoking hot. Not in a super-model way, but in an accessible-to-men-damn-she's-cute way. And I am coming back. But now, I am much, much savvier to the ways of men, and I know exactly what I want.

Dan Savage - you'll be begging to take your picture with *me.* ;)

Quickie

It's Monday, and my friend and I have made a firm commitment to run the stairs every day this week. We have been averaging 3-4 days a week and have not yet had a five-day consecutive run. But today, we timed our 20-flight run and will re-time it on Friday.

8 minutes 58 seconds. Hmm, it feels so much longer than that. Like 100 hours. Oh, but it's an exhausting just-under-nine-minutes, I assure you!

Oh, lookie how much the scale likes it when I don't eat late at night! That's right: Run, Scale, Run!

Am thinking of soliciting entire new crop of friends. Cannot *PAY* any of my friends to come see Sarah Vowell read Unfamiliar Fishes at the Town Hall tonight. Jeez!! Methinks me friends are uncouth. Tomorrow night I am seeing Dan Savage and Terry Miller read It Gets Better, also at Town Hall. Another friend deigned to attend that one with me. Hrumph.

Today's food:
- 4 oz salmon with lemon
- 2 oz roasted asparagus
- 4 oz sausage lasagne from Pagliacci Pizza

Hmm, I won't be going home after work, so I'll have to figure out the dinner situation.

Nightcap

I am exercising tough love with myself and preventing before-bed eating. Last night I just toughed it out, but tonight I decided to switch to drowning myself before bed. I generally do not get enough liquids, anyway (about 40 oz/day). I bought some lemon/lime crystal light Pure, and found that I like it (it tastes just like Crystal Light lemonade to me, though). I've actually had a ton of liquids today, and quite a bit in the last several hours. I'm keeping my belly sated by moving liquids through it.

If I can beat this bad habit, I will give myself a huge advantage in my pursuit of weight loss!

Forty-five YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!

That was the most exhausting five pounds ever! And it's a crispy clean forty-five, too, 218.0 pounds.

Ok - I've got a touch over two weeks before my three month surgiversary (oh what the heck, I'll go ahead and use it, even if I don't like it). I'm going to do everything in my power to take off another five pounds before that date. If it happens, great, if it doesn't, at least I'll know I gave it my all.

Oh, and one last ugly digestion update. :) I was taking the fiber, I was taking the stool softeners. I was not getting a lot of, um, relief. I went out to dinner one night earlier this week. It was a gorgeous evening, I was with wonderful friends, it was perfect. After dinner, we were walking around downtown and window shopping. I started feeling crampy. Then very crampy. I went to the bathroom, where I knew what my body needed to do, but it could not. I begged off the evening and we all headed back toward the office (where our cars were). On the ten-block walk or so, I started feeling nauseous. Then urpy.

A half-block from the office door, I yakked. Oh, except I can't do that anymore. So I hairballed and spit. Uh, I'm glad my friends love me. I ran into the lobby restroom, which the janitor was just walking in to clean. I begged. He aqcuiesced. Again, nothing. I ran to my car in the parking garage, now actively nauseous full-time. I drove to a damn drug store and bought a box of laxatives. I took three. I walked in the door at home, the logjam broke pretty quickly, but I continued to "puke" too. Several hours later the laxatives kicked in.

It was the most awful, miserable night ever. And I tell you this because I only remember things when I write them down, and clearly this is very very important to my body. And if you are out there in your own WLS journey, and you are not pooping, well, you better do something about it before your body takes over. Even on a beautiful night in the sun with your friends. Your colon don' care.

WLS: Not a Magic Wand

I am still pretty discouraged - tomorrow is my WLS support group at the hospital, and I am remembering that I am only down a pound from my last meeting on 3/10. (The group meets the second Thursday and fourth Saturday of the month. Like many people, I will eventually switch to only attending once a month, but right now, it is good support for me and I look forward to both meetings.)

It has been a tough month, weight loss wise. I did spike up those six pounds, and thankfully have taken that all off. I am down to my lowest, but again, still just hovering here.

I am a messy jumble of conflicting emotions about the current state of my weight. On the one hand, "Hello, who's lost 44 pounds this year? Yeah baby, it's me!"

On the other - grr. Weight loss has pretty much crapped out lately. You can see on the above graph how things have slowed down. I refuse to acknowledge the spikes in weight and subsequent loss, haha. I record lowest weight only!

There are things that I can change. I am impressed with myself when I get in 40 ounces of liquid (Diet Snapple tea) a day. I should push this more. I need to track my food, but I loathe doing so.

I eat my protein first, but I doubt I actually get in enough of it. Today, for instance:

2 hard boiled eggs
2T light mayo
Squirt of mustard
Squirt of pickle relish

Right now I am drinking a protein shake - 160 calories and 30 grams of protein.

Yesterday, it was the egg salad, 2T of peanut butter, a SBUX oatmeal package of nuts (100 calories but I can't remember how much protein.

And then, here is the one thing I need to change in order to adopt a more pragmatic view of the rate of weight loss:

I am a night eater. I have always, always been a night eater. Like right before bed. Last night, I attended an event for a friend. Stupidly, they did not serve food there, and I was expecting to be able to buy dinner. Afterward, I bought a small protein-laden salad (chicken breast, salami, garbanzo beans, mozz cheese) and a personal pizza. (Ok - at some point I just need to acknowledge that I need to cut breads out of my life completely for awhile.)

Now, I can't eat much, so I don't disparage myself much for what I ate. One slice of the pizza, not the crust. A fair amount of the protein off the salad, a couple bites of lettuce. When I finished with the salad, it pretty much looked untouched.

What I need to change is *how* I eat - pretty much only at night. I can't eat much, but I kept eating when I knew damn well I was full. I ate until I was physically very uncomfortable. And when I was no longer in physical pain from eating - well, I decided I wanted some frozen blueberries. Again - it wasn't the quantity. It was one ounce or so in a two ounce bowl. It is the uncontrolled nature of the eating that kills me.

Pre-surgery, I ate until stuffed, pretty much every night before bed. The worst time to eat like this. Post-op, I have proven to myself again and again that WLS is not a magic wand. I am not hungry. I was not hungry pre-op, either. And still, I eat to the max I am allowed.

I hate this. A friend and were talking about it today, and she was brainstorming the whys - and I said, well, for as much as I've thought about it - it really doesn't matter *why,* at some point, I just need to stop. Whether the calories sabotage me or not - this is the only thing that I am doing that is actively destructive to my weight loss goals.

If I can stop it - I can acknowledge that my weight loss will have ups and downs and varying rates of success. I accept that I am doing my best, and that is enough.

But first, I have to stop this nighttime eating. And it is so hard. I have battled against this all my adult life. It is just my time to decompress, or self-medicate with food, or wind down, or ??

It ends now. I need to have a clear conscience about my weight loss so I can enjoy the journey. This nighttime eating weighs heavy on me (figuratively/literally) every time I'm struggling.

ETA: I did do 12 flights of stairs today (my friend had the day off and has the card key access to our 20th flight, haha. I did 12 to my floor and decided I would rather stop than go up 20 and back down 8. I wimped out, but I was super busy at work today. Also, my lunch walking buddy wasn't around, but I did get out by myself and take a nice walk. Glad I did, because it was beautiful at lunch but STORMY now - we had a couple great days of sun, and now the forecast is another week of rain, bah.

Also, I always feel a little embarrassed/sheepish when I re-read posts like this, confessing I am a major nighttime eater. But then I figure, hey, you all don't think I got fat by eating apricots. ;)

Well, Let's Hope We've Seen the End of That

The scale graciously cooperated with me today and read my lowest to date, 219 pounds. Bahaha, I accidently typed "119 pounds" there at first. Let's hope that particular milestone is not out of reach in the not too terribly distant future!

I wholeheartedly invite such phrases as "She weighs less than 120 pounds soaking wet," and "wow, that surgery worked well for her, but I'm afraid she's gotten a little too thin." Please make a note of it! Although I will certainly remind everyone in the future. Heck, I'll probably walk around holding cue cards.

Ok. What's changed? I am back to basics on my eating. Hunk o' salmon for dinner and lunch today, hard boiled eggs, cooking up some tilapia for dinner. I do not like tilapia, but I like almost all fish, so I am trying to force the issue. I think talapia is a made up fish. Did you hear about it when you were growing up?? I did not. It did not exist, in my humble opinion. And my family was big fish eaters, so I oughta know. Also, years ago I saw some Discovery channel type show about farmed tilapia. They basically started farming it because they needed some yucky bottom feeder fish to eat the bottom of the tank that was dirtied by some other fish they were farming. Fake, garbage-eater fish conjured up in a lab, I think.

Hmm, dinner is not sounding so appetizing right about now. But tilapia is cheap and readily available. I bought some coconut-type encrusted stuff at the seafood counter. And as I'm typing this, I remember that I just agreed to go for a long walk in the sun with a friend right after work. Sushi for dinner was mentioned. I probably won't eat my tilapia, after all. No problem, it's gross anyway.

And you shouldn't eat farmed fish, by the way. But tilapia doesn't grow in the wild, because it's fake fish.

Crepe Paper Boobs

Oh dear, my body is deflating! I was noticing two things when removing my bra last night:

1. The rigid foamy-type cups of my new bra were a bad idea for shrinking breasts. Now the cups are "out there" but the boobs are diminishing and it will soon look puckery and odd.

2. Speaking of puckery and odd: since my breasts aren't filling up the cups, I noticed the skin looks like crepe paper. Hmm. Not festive as you might imagine.

Thank you all so much for your comments on my "Agony" post! I greatly appreciate it, and Susanne, I wish you hadn't deleted your thought-provoking comment! (I am not easily offended, I guarantee you, and my bestest friends are always the ones who know they can give me the proverbial kick in the ass when needed, haha.) I still have your comment in email, btw, so neener neener neener. ;) Thank you, and thank you everyone!

Yes. Carbs and quite probably shoddy recordkeeping. In thinking about Susanne's comments about not recording the cheese and the A1 sauce, I also thought about the little bit of oil I sauteed in, etc. I've never been good at tracking - and I am RIDICULOUSLY forgiving in recollecting what I ate. Still, I think the big change - the only change, really - was reintroducing lots and lots of carbs into my diet in the last week or so.

Within a day or so of that post and the resultant comments, I cut out the carbs and am sitting here with gnarly ketosis-breath for my efforts, haha. The scale was back down to 220 yesterday, but up to 222 today, so I think I still have some issues going. And yes, at some point I will have to stop weighing myself daily. :) But I am trying to balance that with getting to 263 pounds by refusing to acknowledge that scales existed. It is my way of holding myself accountable, even if it has other repercussions.

I have been diligent about mixing Benefiber in with my Snapple. I am seeing a little effect, but not much. I am going to go aggressive on this problem very shortly. I wonder if this will be a long-term issue or if this is more of a new body regulation type issue?

There are other, non-scale related victories (or improvements) going on in my life, anyway. I cleaned the fridge yesterday. As in, dumped stuff out, took out all the drawers and shelves and scrubbed, made it look shiny new. For reference, I haven't done that in the nearly three years we've lived in the place.

I took the kids on a mini-getaway overnight Saturday, and climbed around gun batteries and such at Fort Worden. I am feeling more energy, in other words. I am feeling like doing things and not collapsing on the couch exhausted. I am a long ways from where I want to be: I crapped out on working out with Alli on Saturday because I didn't have my headphones with me. I am still exhausted at the end of the day even though my sedentary desk job is not especially tiring.

But I'm climbing 12 flights of stairs pretty much every day with my friend, and taking a nice walk at lunch with another friend. I'm incorporating activity into my life, bit by bit. I am glad to feel my energy up: I have been vigilant about taking the vitamin D and iron supplements since Kim commented on the vitamin D blahs, too. I think it makes a big difference for me.

And yesterday, I got rid of tons and tons of clothes. I decided I am not going to hang onto them: I wasn't going to anyway (I am not a saver) but I hadn't gotten around to paring things down. And part of my de-cluttering was to get rid of baggy t-shirts and things that made me feel frumpy and/or unattractive.

Edited to add: I took a nice walk in the sun at lunch, and climbed TWENTY flights of stairs with my buddy! We are training for next year's 69-flight Big Climb Seattle, we decided. It's easy to decide that right now, since the 2011 stair climb was just held on Sunday, haha.