Split Personality

I've got two blog entries in mind, so rather than do the easy thing and write them out separately, I'll throw all my thoughts into a pile and let you try to sort them out. ;)

First, the "Yay, me!" stuff. I just got back from a brisk lunchtime walk with a friend in the chilly Seattle sunshine. We are congratulating ourselves on our new activity-based, as opposed to the longstanding food-based, friendship, haha. A baby step, yes, but I did a) take note of the sunny day and b) ask her if she wanted to go for a walk instead of sitting in the lobby yakking, as we usually do. (This, in itself, is quite a change from our pre-surgery habit of walking over to another building and buying lunch. When I started my pre-op diet, my buddy took a vow of a protein shake lunch as a sign of solidarity.)

Also, I cooked tonight's dinner (soft tacos - easy) before work this morning and pre-arranged with my daughter for her to re-heat them when I call, after I've picked up the boys from daycare. We will eat in the car on the way to the YMCA to work out! This is a major feat, as their dad and I have a late afternoon doctor appointment (consult) for my youngest today. Normally, I would say NO WAY I could work in a trip to the YMCA. However, this morning I thought about it and thought if I really, really want to be successful at this, I'll need to find ways to challenge my expectations of what I can handle with the kids in the evening. It will be tough, but do-able. And I really, really want to be successful.

My weight loss is, um, non-existent. I cannot explain to you how frustrating that is given I am taking in practically no calories, and haven't for a month. It is foolish to get stressed out over this, however! What's the point? And, really, when I say that I have lost 21 pounds in January...well, that is nothing to sneeze at! It's just...well, I haven't lost a darn thing since those 14 pounds dropped off immediately after surgery. So seeing the scale at the same - NO! Not even the same!! Seeing the scale at 1-4 pounds more than my lowest? Well, it stinks. *

*Coming back to add - I am closing in on the lower number again. After spiking from a low of 241 to 244.5, this morning the scale was back to 242, after a week or more of lingering on the higher end. I have a feeling the scale is about to start cooperating.

It's all a mind game, though. Must be fluid, maybe from the surgery, must be my poor freaked out metabolism hanging onto every ounce, something. However, it cannot last! I am patient, and I will prevail. (Okay, I am not actually patient, but I will ultimately prevail.)

The happy flip-side of that is that while the scale is not budging, my body is changing! JUST LAST TUESDAY (I had to go back in search of my original post, to see when it really was) I think it was just two weeks ago, if that, I mused about an old pair of jeans that I have that I could *almost* wear, but could definitely not wear yet. Ahem...ladies and gentlemen, I give you...me, rocking those jeans since Thursday of last week. And they definitely fit much better today, fresh out of the dryer, than they did last Thursday. Hells yes, I fit into those jeans and I am pretty darn pleased about it, too!

Okay, that's a terrible picture, and even the original isn't in focus, so it's not the scaled-down size that's causing trouble here. I am about to break up with my iPhone! Grr. And, I did mention that I just took a brisk walk outside, didn't I?

Hmm - you know what? I don't have to qualify pictures of myself. :) I am trying to get better at just loving me and being happy for me, without qualification or reservation.* I am wearing jeans that I stopped wearing probably two years ago, and I feel pretty damn good about it. Messy hair and all.

*If I get too good at loving me without qualification or reservation - well, just tell me to shut the hell up, haha.

A little bit on the flip side of this post. It's not bad - I decided yesterday that I wouldn't exactly characterize it as "buyer's remorse." Because, in fact,

I am experiencing exactly what I expected, and exactly what I choose for myself.

Yesterday was sort of a grouchy post-op diet day for me. I was hungry, and I am tired of foods that I know will not give me a stomach ache, and I am tired of guessing which foods will not. Actually, I kind of hit this wall where I just didn't want to *think* about what I was eating anymore. I was hungry, and I wanted...FOOD. Moreover, I was hungry *and* thirsty, and I wanted to sit down at a restaurant and order food and beverage and enjoy them both. ROAR!

Fortunately for me, I have a pretty good sense of practicality and pragmatism. So, since this surgery is not reversible, and I will, in fact, live out my days with 85% less stomach - well, I'm not going to waste any effort second-guessing the decision. Practical and pragmatic.

Unfortunately, I also have a good dose of self-indulgent and whiny. :) I've taken the liberty of graphing out my state of mind yesterday, and you can see the scales barely tipped in my favor:

It was a close battle. Fortunately, the more sensible side of me won out - it would be a darn shame to get all spun out over things that I cannot change. I merely fell victim to a little self-pity. And it wasn't even self-pity, really, because I didn't want to change the surgery - I guess I just wanted to reap the benefits in a more timely fashion. Like immediately. I was hungry and I was not losing weight. Ipso facto, the only fair solution would be to wake up this morning weighing 128 pounds and independently wealthy. (Hey, where did that come from?)

No, I won't play the recriminations game. Instead, I put on my didn't-fit-a-week-ago jeans, and I banished my these-were-the-only-pants-that-fit-and-the-next-time-I-want-to-see-them-is-when-I-can-fit-all-of-me-into-one-leg jeans to the top shelf of the closet. I dutifully ate my two ounces of cottage cheese and went to bed happily, looking forward to a brighter future now that I've taken a hard turn off the very bad path that I was on.

*The author was not compensated by the National Association of Strikethrough, Italics, Asterisks, Bolding and Other Font Embellishments (NASIABOFE) for this post. It just happened to work out that way.

Stage 3 Diet (Begin 2 Weeks Post-Op, Continue for 2 Weeks)

I've been thinking about Sheila's comment about what was allowed in her diet two weeks post-op, versus mine. Funny how things vary so much between surgeons!

My "Stage 3 Diet," beginning two weeks after surgery, and continuing for two weeks:

4, 2-ounce protein servings, 1 dairy serving, 3 fruit/veggie/starch servings, 1 fat serving

Protein
- 2 oz chicken
- 2 oz ground turkey
- 2 oz fish/tuna
- 2 oz cheese or soy cheese
- 2 oz eggs or 4 egg whites or 1/2 cup Egg Beaters
- 2 oz deli meat (no roast beef)
- 1/2 cup cottage cheese
- 1 cup tofu

Dairy
- 8 oz smooth light yogurt
- 8 oz skim, 1% or low-fat soy milk
- 1/2 cup sugar free pudding
- 1 cup sugar free hot cocoa
- 8 oz light yogurt drink

Fruits/Veggies/Starch
- 1/2 cup applesauce
- 1/2 cup mashed pears (no juice or syrup)
- 4" banana, mashed
- 1/2 cup mashed potatoes or sweet potatoes
- 1/2 cup pureed butternut squash
- 1 cup low fat creamed soup
- 1/2 cup cooked oatmeal, cream of wheat or farina

Fat
- 1 tsp butter, margarine, mayo or oil
- 1 T light margarine, light salad dressing, fat-free gravy or light mayo

Fluid
- At least 56 oz non-caloric, non-carbonated, non-caffeinated liquid per day

Protein
- 60-70 grams/day

*Yawn.* I think I had a point in mind when I started writing this post, but it is late and I am tired. I was just thinking about the differences in food plans following surgery. I had cream of potato soup tonight, and a sugar-free pudding, and for the first time in my life, I am laying in bed with a terrible case of heartburn! I knew I had not eaten "off plan," but pulled out my manual just to make sure. Funny - I can eat many things, but not nearly what is on the plan, nor in the quantities suggested. When I have cottage cheese, for instance, I am measuring out two ounces, and it leaves me *stuffed.* One cup of tofu?? One cup of anything = no way possible right now.

Sooner than I Expected - "Oh, I Didn't Recognize You!"

Laugh, I wasn't expecting this so soon - but it was fun, anyway. A coworker (from another floor) walked right by me and I called out hello. "OH MY GOSH," she said. "I didn't recognize you!" She immediately fussed over my hair and discreetly pulled me aside to comment on my weight loss.

Funny! This is no casual acquaintance, either...she and I worked together very closely for a couple years. I'll chalk it up mostly to the hair (besides the 6-8" inches I lopped off, everyone's been commenting on the "new" color of my hair, which is the same that I've been doing for months), but it's fun to think my body is already changing. Also, a coworker pointed out that my inner diva is already coming out, haha. She says she's always known I'm PLENTY sassy, but thinks others will be surprised. I dunno, I've never been much of a wallflower.

We were discussing this in the context of me musing about whether my (male) coworker can sue me for sexual harrassment since I've told him the hallway between our cubes is my runway, and catcalls are appropriate and appreciated. ;) My friend says that it's his word against mine, and thus far, anyway, he's been quite obliging.

Back to Reality

I'm back to work tomorrow - today I am officially two weeks post-op! I'm ready to go back, actually. I miss my buddies, miss interacting with folks, etc. It would be fun to be independently wealthy and get to travel and spend money when you have time off. But if you're not loaded with disposable income - you may as well work. :)

It will be interesting, because although I do feel great, I do also get tired. Heck, I just had surgery two weeks ago! But more than that - I'm only taking in a few hundred calories a day. No wonder I get tired! I should be fine, though. My job is total office work, and I can get up and walk around, go to SBUX, etc. whenever I want.

Today was a good day. I tried eating a couple different things that didn't agree with me at all. This morning, I made the kids omelets, so I scrambled myself up about two ounces of egg. I only ate a couple bites - it sat in my belly like lead. Yuck. Maybe next time I'll try egg whites, instead.

This afternoon, I ate about 1/2 of a string cheese. Same reaction. Yuck! Just got into my tummy and felt awful. Thankfully, this feeling passes pretty quickly! But it is really unpleasant.

So, my experimentation with food so far has resulted in these "good" items: cottage cheese, turkey deli meat sliced ultra-thin, Wendy's chili. (I had that one on Saturday, actually, following my weight loss support group - the subject of the chili came up and was resoundingly recommended as easy on the tummy, filling, and tasty. Had to try it myself.) Refried beans are iffy. I've tried them a couple times since surgery (diluted with broth to a gruel-like consistency). They sit *okay* in my tummy. Not great.

Bad: string cheese, eggs. I haven't tried much else.

For my food tomorrow, I'm packing two two-ounce containers of cottage cheese and two ounces of turkey meat. I'll bring along a protein shake, too. Bottled water. I've been drinking iced tea from SBUX - I pre-negotiated this diet staple with my surgeon, haha. I don't drink coffee, I don't drink much pop, and won't following surgery, at least for the foreseeable future. But I like my iced tea (sweetened with two Equals) and I don't want to give it up. He was fine with that.

It's interesting. It's amazing how little interest food holds for me now. I'm not hungry - I know I have to get my liquids and proteins in, but I'm neither hungry nor thirsty. I still totally enjoy watching the Food Network - I love cooking shows. :) But I just don't have much interest. I'm feeling good, keeping busy, working on liquids slowly all day.

In the evening, I am battling a bit of the boredom/eating that has plagued my life. I just feel like I *should* eat. I'm using this disinterest in food as a time to totally re-train my brain. What if the disinterest is temporary? I'm trying to teach myself now, then, to finish up my food for the day and be DONE. Instead, I'm chatting with the kiddos, finding ways to distract myself. Like I said, right now it's not hard - I just don't want to eat. I just want to be very, very successful with the sleeve and my new way of life.

Speaking of success - I'm not losing any weight. This is frustrating, but not tremendously so. I'm not eating, therefore the weight has no choice but to ultimately come off. I did take a couple quick measurements today, though. Since the day before surgery: THREE INCHES off my waist, an INCH off my upper arm, nearly an inch off my calf, etc. Clearly, even if the weight is stuck for some reason, my body is changing! It's all good.

Today I shopped for a cute return-to-work outfit, but I ended up only buying a couple pair of earrings. I found a pair of jeans that were a size 20 - they fit great and looked great and I was soooo tempted to get them! But they were about eight inches too LONG and I just didn't feel like getting them altered. Being 5'2" has its challenges! I have my Divorce Day jeans which fit fine (although I already need a belt) and another pair of jeans that are too snug to get into right now, but *just*. There will be plenty of new clothes in my future. :)

And finally - I did take the boys up the YMCA and walked on the treadmill for twenty minutes. I'm thinking of some work out goals and a way to track them here on the blog. My big challenge will be working out when I'm back to work. It is *difficult* to get three kids wrangled through dinner, homework, working out and other evening requirements. Plus, I am a stickler for an early bedtime. My crew goes to bed by 8:30 p.m. That leaves us with evenings that are only two hours or so - I generally pick the boys up from daycare at 5:45 p.m.

It will all work out. I think once we're in a good routine, I'll find a bit more flexibility in our schedule. Right now I'm not too worried about anything: I'm feeling good, things are moving forward, I'm feeling very optimistic and excited about the future!

Small Victories on the Path to Success

My schedule is still a bit goofy with the kids. My ex is generously taking them so I can have a nice long recuperation time. (I will pay, believe me, I will pay, haha, he's already given me a long list of weekends he wants to trade in return.) Anyway, it is really wonderful because I've had lots of time to rest and recuperate.

But, oh my God, have I ever missed my kids. They are home tonight and I think I drove them all a bit nuts with the love and adoration. :) Anyway, they're only here for two nights: I'll get them off to school Wednesday, return to my first day at work, and "X" will pick them up after school Wednesday. Then they'll be home Sunday, and we'll fall back into our normal routine of me having them Sunday- Thursday, him having them Thursday - Sunday.

Anyway. So, I had the kids tonight, and since I wasn't working, and I got a clean bill of health from the surgeon to start exercising...we went to the YMCA.

Here's the small victory - you knew it had to be coming sometime, right?

We had a great time.

Up until now, going to the YMCA with three children has been agonizing. I stopped even trying months and months ago.

1. Child #1 (daughter, almost 12) only wants to work out. Insists on me being with her (this is actually a facility rule, too).

2. Child #2 (son, almost 10) hates "child watch" (supervised child care). His alternative? He could swim -  he is old enough to swim alone, but does not want to be left alone at the pool. His brother is too young to be left at the pool.

3. Child #3 (son, 5) loooooves child watch. He's actually the easy one in this case (laugh! It is uncommon that he is in the position of being my "easy" one.) He loves child care and also loves to swim.

Well - lo and behold, Child #2 is now old enough to use the work out facilities! Well, close enough. He's almost ten, and that's the magic age. Today, he received training from one of the trainers on all of the cardio equipment and much of the weight equipment (not free weights). He was ECSTATIC!

And that is how it came to be that we all had a wonderful time at the YMCA. I did twenty minutes on the treadmill. My oldest used the elliptical for 20+ minutes (I am desperately hoping to bring her weight down along with mine), my middle kid used some cardio and a lot of weight machines and was as proud as a peacock of himself. My youngest played happily in the child care area and after an hour, we left the YMCA, sweaty and satisfied.

YAY! This is a major milestone for me and my family. We have already made plans to do it again tomorrow. The logistics of taking the family to the Y has been a TREMENDOUS obstacle in my desire to work out and exercise. The fact that everyone is now content with their available options there....well, it is extremely promising for all of us. I am beyond happy about it.

Mushy Food, Baby!

I had my two-week check-up with my surgeon today, and everything is going very well! He cleared me to start the second phase of my post-op diet: two weeks of mushy food. It's better than it sounds. :) I can eat deli meat, ground meat, cottage cheese, tofu, refried beans, etc. Just anything that doesn't require a lot of work for my tummy to digest.

We're celebrating, then, with a tiny two ounce serving of cottage cheese, eaten in a tiny green bowl with a tiny green spoon. :)

Body to Julie: WTF??

I probably will weigh myself daily. There's a method to my madness. I'm a "if I don't get on the scale, the weight gain doesn't exist," type of girl. You may also know me as a "if I don't open that bill, it does not exist" girl. How about, "if I don't check my online bank balance, then I must still have money?"

Yes, I need to hold my feet to the fire, or the fire doesn't exist. As part of my reform, I may even start requiring this of myself: check your weight, check your bank balances, open the bills. Revolutionary.

Anyway. So I've been weighing myself, and let me tell you, that scale hasn't budged in DAYS. Is the digital scale stuck on its favorite weight for me? Perhaps, but not likely.

Am I hanging on to weight, or, my favorite - GAINING weight this morning, because I am superbly overindulging in my 2 oz bowls of boullion and 6 oz glasses of water and constant sips of protein shakes all day? You can't gain weight off au jus broth. I'm no nutritionist, but COME ON!!

No, it's my poor body. WTF, JULIE? What is going on here? I am used to a constant flood of food, anything my enlarged little heart desires. Now you've cut me off? Boullion? REALLY? What happened to going to bed each night, so stuffed with late-night snacking that you still wake up full? Well, I'll tell you what - you're gonna cut me off??? I'm not letting go of a single ounce of weight. In fact, thanks to the salty boullion, I've now got an excuse to hang on to some of the meager ounces of water you're giving me, too!! TAKE THAT!!

Ah. Yesterday I focused on getting in lots and lots of water. Today, it's lots and lots of water and at least two of these 30 gram protein shakes. My body has drawn a line in the sand. You will feed and hydrate us, or we will hold you hostage at this same weight in perpetuity.

Care to Buy a Girl a Drink? PLEEZE??

I got woke up by my cellphone ringing at 7:30 this morning, and my nearly-twelve-year-old screeching into my ear "Fact or Fake? Men with long hair didn't used to be let into Disneyland??"

Uhh, this was a very confusing way to be woken up. I was expecting, "Daddy is bringing me over to get such and such before school," since the kids have been staying with my ex since the surgery.

Stranger, though, was the dream I was having before waking. I was GULPING down entire glasses of water, entire cans of pop, anything liquid I could get my hands on.

After I got off the phone, I dozed off again. And again, the GULPING dream returned.

Umm, I took this as a not very subtle hint from my psyche that I needed to concentrate on my hydration today. Mission accomplished. ;)

"Alpine Weight Loss Secrets" Giveaway

My friend Kim is giving away this book on her blog - check out her review and information on how to win!

Kicky New 'Do!

So, I've been mulling over a major change to my hair. I don't mind making big changes to my hair, and it has been due for awhile. Plus, from all I've heard, at about three months post-op, your hair starts thinning. I read online that long and straight is the worst style for thinning hair, so I thought I may as well make a change now!

I stopped in a salon near my parents' about 30 miles away. I just wanted a cool new haircut and I wanted it tonight. Had no intention of forming a relationship with a new stylist (since I've been wearing my hair long and straight, I just stop in at Hair Masters or wherever for a trim). Of course, I adored the stylist and the cut, so now I'm on the hook to drive 30 miles to get my hair cut, doh!

Anyway....wa-lah!!

 

Here was the picture, taken earlier today by a friend, that made me think..."hmm, yes, today is a good day for a hair cut!"